What does marriage mean to you?

Dinah93

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

As someone who posted on the other thread and also posts on these boards, I ought to 'out' myself now.

I am engaged to my first love (J). We split up at 18 and stayed friends. I met someone else (M), but continued to meet up with J (as friends) with the full knowledge of M, in fact he often came out with us. I cut off contact with J as I realised I still had feelings for him and didn't trust myself to be around him. Nothing happened between J & I until six months after M & I split up. We also didn't split up because of him.

Now that I've got that out of the way... I believe that marriage is about trust and being open & honest. I didn't hide anything from my ex because there was nothing to hide. I respected him enough to tell him the truth.

You didn't cheat. You did nothing wrong. No one can help their feelings, they can help their actions, and you didn't act until it was right.

clearing_out_my_pockets

Dinah93 wrote: »

You didn't cheat. You did nothing wrong. No one can help their feelings, they can help their actions, and you didn't act until it was right.

Thanks - that's not quite how my ex sees it and I suppose I can see his point

My relationship with my ex wasn't a happy one and I stayed with him for the wrong reasons.

Dinah93

My ex used to lock me in rooms if I didn't 'behave' (as much as overcooking dinner would get me yelled at) and at the end he was violent, verbally abusive, cheated (I found out as he paid for a hotel on my credit card and then said I was the one who had gone and I was trying to blame him to cover myself - how was I supposed to believe I had forgotten I was in Paris for a week on the same week I made a huge presentation to 20 councillors and was at my dads birthday party?!) used to lock me out the house all night if I questioned him, but I stayed out of fear. On a complete whim I booked myself 99p tickets to Ireland with Ryanair after seeing it in a newsletter on here. I wanted to go to meet my best friend, a lad I had known through an online game for 2 years, spoke to everyday, but had never met. While I was there I fell for him something rotten, he was kind, hoenst, caring, but we did nothing more than talk about our feelings (which is more than you did from the sound of it), and the day I came back to England I broke it off with the ex (which resulted in him being arrested). Despite how he treated me, I still feel guilty for falling for someone else, but I don't regret it for an instant, and I'm marrying my Irishman in 3 weeks. I would never cheat on him, because it is a good, healthy relationship with a kind, amazing man. If people want to cheat then they're in the wrong relationship.

Sorry bit off track there, I just think of that prayer in your situation:
“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

msgnomey

The Art Of A Good Marriage
Wilferd Arlan Peterson

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

this was on a card we were given when we married and is now framed and in our bedroom, I agree that it does kinda sum it all up for me...x

Lexxi

To me it'll be the start of the rest of my life. it's having someone being by my side, there for me, to love me and support me and look after me, and in turn me doing that for them, it's making that commitment in front of God and being witnessed by our families and loved ones. I've never agreed in cheating, however it's justified it is still cheating and I think that the relationship should be ended or worked on withot involving other people. I've not seen the thread though and I'm not judging, life is never black and white.

Kazz81

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

As someone who posted on the other thread and also posts on these boards, I ought to 'out' myself now.

I am engaged to my first love (J). We split up at 18 and stayed friends. I met someone else (M), but continued to meet up with J (as friends) with the full knowledge of M, in fact he often came out with us. I cut off contact with J as I realised I still had feelings for him and didn't trust myself to be around him. Nothing happened between J & I until six months after M & I split up. We also didn't split up because of him.

Now that I've got that out of the way... I believe that marriage is about trust and being open & honest. I didn't hide anything from my ex because there was nothing to hide. I respected him enough to tell him the truth.

You did nothing wrong-your relationship ended before you got together, not as a result of you getting together or plotting to do so!

Kazz81

Dinah93 wrote: »

Work on your marriage or leave it. Don't mess about with it. Yes people on this board might be all loved up and happy, but most people know at least one couple happily together 25+ years. Personally I only actually know one divorced couple, yet most marriages go through rough spots. The ones that work are the couples that pull together rather than pushing apart.

A lot of you might recognise this verse, even be using it for your own wedding:

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Art Of A Good Marriage[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica][SIZE=-1]Wilferd Arlan Peterson[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica][SIZE=-1]Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A good marriage must be created.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In marriage the little things are the big things.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is never being too old to hold hands.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is never going to sleep angry.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is standing together facing the world.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is not looking for perfection in each other.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humour.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner. [/FONT][/SIZE]


[FONT=Arial,Helvetica][SIZE=-1]But to me that just about sums it up. [/SIZE]
[/FONT]

I love that verse but have never heard it before-must check if the priest will let us incorporate it into our wedding xx

Kazz81

Dinah93 wrote: »

My ex used to lock me in rooms if I didn't 'behave' (as much as overcooking dinner would get me yelled at) and at the end he was violent, verbally abusive, cheated (I found out as he paid for a hotel on my credit card and then said I was the one who had gone and I was trying to blame him to cover myself - how was I supposed to believe I had forgotten I was in Paris for a week on the same week I made a huge presentation to 20 councillors and was at my dads birthday party?!) used to lock me out the house all night if I questioned him, but I stayed out of fear. On a complete whim I booked myself 99p tickets to Ireland with Ryanair after seeing it in a newsletter on here. I wanted to go to meet my best friend, a lad I had known through an online game for 2 years, spoke to everyday, but had never met. While I was there I fell for him something rotten, he was kind, hoenst, caring, but we did nothing more than talk about our feelings (which is more than you did from the sound of it), and the day I came back to England I broke it off with the ex (which resulted in him being arrested). Despite how he treated me, I still feel guilty for falling for someone else, but I don't regret it for an instant, and I'm marrying my Irishman in 3 weeks. I would never cheat on him, because it is a good, healthy relationship with a kind, amazing man. If people want to cheat then they're in the wrong relationship.

Sorry bit off track there, I just think of that prayer in your situation:
“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

its so awful being in a violent relationship isnt it? I am glad you found a way out and are now happy xx