DS off to Uni next week - help!!!!

larmy16

If I am on the wrong forum, please move me on mods!

OK my son is off to Uni next weekend. I am a single parent and apart from the odd disastrous relationship (not been in one for about 10 years), it has been just the two of us, and he has turned out to be the biggest blessing to me.

Trouble is, though intellectually I am happy he is going, he needs to go, and this is a new stage in my life, I have started to feel a bit panicky about the reality of it all.

Luckily I enjoy my own company, but not that much!!!!!! Anyone been through this and can warn me of the emotions ahead and how best to deal with them.

I have decided I need to broaden my horizons, but money is going to be a problem as I will be helping him out for the next 3 years! So pampering myself is out of the question. Struggling on a lowish income anyway.

So any tips, advice, empathy will be most warmly welcomed.:)

Mrs_pbradley936

Hi, yes I have been in this situation, although am not a single parent. You have to stop yourself from ringing them every few days to ask how they are but be there if they want you. Then you really have to find something to focus on because what you have dedicating time and emotion to will no longer be around as much. I started doing courses with the Open University, because I could do it at a time that suited me (and you can pay in installments). You meet people, you are intellectually stimulated, if you want a better job with more prospects it can lead there.

If you don't do anything you risk becoming one of those mothers that suffocate their offspring and in the end they stop answering the phone if they can see it is you. Congratulate yourself that you have raised an independant adult and by all means be there for them with the odd £10 or new razor blades/shower gel but be aware that if you do not let go they will break away from you.

Savvy_Sue

Evening classes / daytime classes with the local education authority might help you both update skills and meet new friends.

and I'd say don't be TOO generous to your son because a) you can't really afford it and b) he needs to learn to manage. And it IS possible to manage on the loan, as long as you don't make a habit of drinking and clubbing. Presumably you've taught him to cook simple and inexpensive food, and how to shop - looking out for bargains and offers! If not, you've got a few days ...

lillydrip

Hi there my mum can completely empathise with you so I asked her for some advice. When I went to uni, she went through exactly the same thing, she calls it empty nest syndrome (coz her baby flew away!). She suggests evening courses at a local college, good novels, and speaking to other people in the same situation! Mum was surprised to find out how many other mummies were feeling the same, and even now 5 years on (I'm now doing my masters- still on summer hols) she still comes across other mummies who are just having the same experience. Mum is fine about it now, just so you know the feelings don't last forever because you find new things to fill your time.

From my point of view, I tried not to let on to mum that I was worried and nervous about going, so when my mum came to visit me I really appreciated it. Must say though she used to spend a fortune on food hampers whenever she visited and I think the guilt I felt because she had spent so much, kind of ruined getting them, your son will just be pleased to see you so don't spend lots of money! I personally did not feel like my mum was 'smoothering' me in any way when she came to visit (which was quite often!) as I tended to go out in the week with friends, however I do not know whether boys feel differently? Maybe if you feel the need to contact him a lot, e mail rather than telephone, that way when he reads his e mails he will have the time to talk and tell you what he is up to, rather than you phoning and catching him when he is busy - this will do you and your feelings no good if he rushes you off the phone.

YOU WILL COPE!:grouphug:

larmy16

Lillydrip that was a lovely post thank you. We plan to chat on MSN occasionally.

Thanks for all your replies, feeling much better about it now.

lil_me

From a different point of view. I hated leaving home and at first I may aswell have stayed as I was back there more than my own home. I hope he enjoys it and it gives you both a reason to spend some great quality time together when he's home.

lillydrip

you're welcome Larmy16!

shopndrop

I felt like you did when my son went to uni 2 years ago. We were both constantly on the phone every day, if I didn't phone him, he phoned me. (he didn't want to go to uni but felt he should - he now says best thing he ever did). As this was getting expensive, we started to use MSN and a webcam. This was great as it meant I could see him and know he was fine. I found this much better than speaking on the phone.

lynzpower

pbradley936 wrote:

Hi, yes I have been in this situation, although am not a single parent. You have to stop yourself from ringing them every few days to ask how they are but be there if they want you. Then you really have to find something to focus on because what you have dedicating time and emotion to will no longer be around as much. I started doing courses with the Open University, because I could do it at a time that suited me (and you can pay in installments). You meet people, you are intellectually stimulated, if you want a better job with more prospects it can lead there.

If you don't do anything you risk becoming one of those mothers that suffocate their offspring and in the end they stop answering the phone if they can see it is you. Congratulate yourself that you have raised an independant adult and by all means be there for them with the odd £10 or new razor blades/shower gel but be aware that if you do not let go they will break away from you.

My parents must have been given advice like this as they didnt phone me for 2 years while I was at uni, I had to call them. whne i rang they were like Oh you bothered to phone 9 weekly, sunday nights I always rang) by the end of it I tohught they couldnt care less about me since I left. So careful parents you dont take this too far! My parents were horrified when I told them what I thought of them

hostertlady

quote:
[If you don't do anything you risk becoming one of those mothers that suffocate their offspring and in the end they stop answering the phone if they can see it is you.]

O my god that's me! i never thought of it like that, i often phone just to hear their voice or ask what they are doing..i need to do something else apart from think about the kids.... i need a life..... i have just turned 48 so about time to think of me i think... lol

gilly41

Hi
Both my two are away at Uni(my son went back on Saturday) and my daughter lives with her boyfriend down south where she is doing her Masters.I felt totally lost when my son went(he is the youngest)---the first year I was ringing and texting him EVERY DAY!!!! Now, two years on I have found other things to fill in my time---and it was very hard at first! I felt completely lost when they had both left(and I have my OH but somehow that didnt really help!)
I started going to the gym and meeting friends again! I feel now, at 42 I am in the next chapter of my life!!!
My son didnt want to go back this year----but two days back and he is phoning and telling me it is great!!!I now only phone him once a week and send a couple of text messages each week. I think I drove him mad with my phone calls when he first went!!!
You must be very proud of your son----xx