Helpwith youngest childs behaviour.

hethmar

Personally, it sounds to me she very likely has some adhd/autistic spectrum probs there (which includes dyslexia). It all sounds so familiar. I only realised what was wrong with my son when I accidentally saw a program on TV about the subject and it was him to a tee. He even has the blond hair/blue eyes that they added the majority of kids with this prob seem to have in this country. My son had poo/wee probs until he was about 13 - he didnt seem to get the "message" that he needed to go.

I then rang the LEA and said I wanted him to be seen by an educational psychologist. You have to fight, fight, fight. We were fobbed off for years that he was "slow" (his vocabularly was well in advance of any kids of his age ditto his general knowledge - some of the teachers who were genuine, told us that he had a high IQ and should not be in the remedial classes), that he was "bad" (literally, thats the word used) and he was either put in a remedial group (making hand puppets and so on) or sat at the back of the class facing the wall so that he was not distracted by movement of the other kids or anything outside the window. At 9 his writing and reading ability was the same as when he was 5. We tried private tutors but he would forget what he had learnt by the next day.

We had teachers tell us we must be bad parents "do you tell him to be good at school?"!! and yet our other son was the star of the same schools. Eldest boy went on to get a first at university and is now in a very prestigious career and yet they were telling us we didnt know how to bring a child up!

You must, for her sake, let alone you and your family - push and push for help. Its the school hols now, so they will probably put you off til next term now but at least get the ball rolling. Dont sound apologetic when you ring the LEA, be firm that you feel something isnt right and that the school have so far not recognised, accepted or dealt with it.

Mojisola

So that you can start doing something immediately, could you contact an ADHD support group and get advice from them?

It won't do your daughter any harm to introduce some of their suggestions into your way of handling her even if her problem turns out to be something different. It will also help you to be doing something positive. You must be at your wit's end, coping with this behaviour.

hethmar

Adders.org

The schools try to avoid accepting there is a problem (as you have found out) because it would mean they have to spend some of their budget on specialist teaching. They will try to avoid this and hope they can hang on til the child is out of their school and on to another level. Believe me, this is the case. You need to not feel that you are causing them any bother - we spent too long thinking that and feeling guilty that we had caused the problem in our boy (when clearly we hadnt!). Dont take no for an answer. Go to adders.org forum and ask for advice there. There are lots of very experienced people and mods on there who know the system and how you need to go about this.

blue_monkey_2

Most support groups will be run only during term time - ours is now closed until September.

In regard to the bedwetting, my son is still not dry but refuses to wear trainer pants now so I walke him up, carry him to the loo around 11-12pm before I go to bed and sit him there until he goes.

Routine is very important for children with Autism/ADHD. Tbh, it is the holidays, I would read up on it now and put some of those stratagies into place. I never leave my son to play unattended and I think you are going to have to apply the same rule. make everything save, leave nothing breakable where she can get it, if we go anywhere he is held as he has no awareness of danger.

Can I ask what behaviour she is exhibiting at school?

The ED will deal with why she is not learning - it is hard to get an appointment but you could get a private assessment for around £400, it might help set your mind at rest but this would be very useful for you to take to school if she is diagnosed with Dyslexia. They spend 3 hours with your child.

What sets her off on a tantrum? Is there anything specific such as a change of routine, foods, clothing, does she have tantrums over things you would deem silly?

You have to pick your fights to be honest but if you can let us know the kinds of things that set her off at least we could point you in the right direct.

Interestingly my sons Autism became more apparent at age 3 but he always had ADHD, that was obvious although back then I did not know it!!) and he got more difficult, he just seemed to change once he hit 3 but I think because he was supposed to slot in socially and by then he was a child and not a baby or toddler, it was eaier to piuck things up. It then became apparent that he had these problems and was so different to the other children.

I'll also say that nothing will change your DD from the way she is, you will have to learn to deal with her tantrums better and find ways to try and reroute her anger into something more positive. They have to behave at school/nannies/friends houses/clubs so get home to their 'safe' environment and absolutely blow - I give my son half an hour to calm down, waltch TV, run around the garden, scream, shout, whatever he needs, but he NEEDS to get this out and I do not stop him. Do you have a house? Get a trampoline if you do not have one and let her go and jump on that to release some energy.

And keep a diary if when the tantrums are and what triggers her off. And do not give her sugar free drinks and food they are a catalyst for my childrens anger!! I'd rather than have a sugar rush and run around stupid for 15 minutes than have another tantrum!!

hethmar

adders.org is open all the time

Our LEA refused to acknowledge a private assessment, so dont waste the money until you have spoken to the LEA first.

And, to give you some hope, my son is now 24 - he is managing quite well. He is still very immature for his age (another thing you find with them) but he manages. One thing these kids do is blame everyone in the world except themselves for their problems. Its really quite heartbreaking. He was thrown out of college. He lost a number of jobs one after another, went missing for a while and then worked for his father but that was very stressful, I can tell you. OH finally said he couldnt handle the silent treatment or the very immature behaviour every day sadly so we have tried to set him up for himself in doing general maintenance building jobs and he is doing ok. He went through many girlfriends - one of the traits with these kids is they seem to be able to attract people quickly but lose them just as quickly:( He speaks very well, is an attractive lad and still has a very good general knowledge and is fascinated by science. People will often refer to him as "charming", which he is in small doses. His writing is slightly better, it seemed to plateau at about 12 or 13 (he went to a private specialist school paid for by the LEA from the age of 10) and he does read a newspaper every day now and the odd autobiography. I also get him a sub to science mags. His latest girlfriend (for nearly 2 years now) is very level headed and understands his problems and bless her, she has supported him a lot.

So dont think things dont get better at all ever, they do

shykins

aah i feel for u, as someone else said u have to fight, fight, fight to get her to be seen by someone (not that that always helps either)

she does seem to be exhibiting some behaviours which could be ADHD or ASD related (read up and see what u think).

my sons problems really manifested when he was around 9 but it has taken us til now (13) to get any sort of diagnosis which i paid for myself (approx £400) as we couldnt get referrals. we are now going thru the process of getting a NHS diagnosis

if u can ring CAHMS direct do give it a go but in our area u have to be referred by the school - they dont even like the dr doing it. some areas CAHMS are brilliant some not so, hopefully yours will be of some help

u do need to pick your fights but u also need to have a firm routine and try and remove the worst flashpoints in whatever way u can

good luck and let us know how u get on, just remember u arent alone x

hethmar

Yes, one thing you have to remember is the Ed Pysch will be an employee of the LEA. Its not his job to statement kids and cost the LEA more money so will always err on the side of there being specific learning difficulties. This covers a range so that they are less likely to have to provide real specialist help. We were VERY fortunate with CAMHS. The doctor we saw there immediately gave us a huge amount of support and sympathy. Its not fun, you sit there as a family, and in our case, being filmed for the session. The doctor ran back the film for us once and you could see youngest boy climbing over chairs, going in the corner playing with things he found on the window sills, totally showing no reaction when the doctor called his name and then turning with an almost animal like fear in his eyes - I knew at that point he had soiled his pants (he was 9 years old). It was heartbreaking. But all these things he did, we had got so used to, we didnt even notice them happening at the time of our meeting/filming.

Doctor supported us absolutely after that, took me and OH aside and said he literally didnt know how we had managed. (In fact we almost didnt, OH had on a few occasions said he couldnt cope in the family house, but somehow we struggled on). Eldest boy also had borne a lot of the brunt of youngest's anger and also his unpopularity amongst local kids. That doctor was a god send, he unequivocably stated son was severely dyslexic/adhd and had autistic spectrum behaviour. We actually asked him to play down the autism as we felt the LEA would push him into a special school. When the doctor was promoted to another area, he actually rang me and gave me his phone number to contact if we had any future problems.

Upshot was (to cut a VERY long story short) we were on the point of taking the school's governors to High Court (supported by a local support group) when the LEA offered us a place in a private specialist school.

Indie_Kid

Why aare people telling the OP it could be ASD / ADHD? We're not meant to do that.

blue_monkey_2

We aren't. We are sharing OUR expeiences with our children - who do have ADHD and ASD. I've not seen anyone who has said his daughter has it.

If the OP thinks this might be an avenue to follow then we have given him the appropriate information to be able to do so and likewise who he needs to contact to get some help.

Any child with behaviour problems can benefit from the advice that applies to an ADHD/ASD child IMO.

hethmar

Exactly, the OP is desperate for some help with his daughter and we are offering advice on the way forward and how to get further professional help. Obviously none of us can say definitely what is the child's problem, but I think a lot of us find her behaviour very familiar to our own experiences. What else should we do, ignore the OP? He has tried teachers and doctors for help.