Helpwith youngest childs behaviour.

dori2o

My wife and I are at breaking point.

For 4 years we have been battling with my youngest childs behaviour.

Now my youngest is 7, and you may think that we're just moaning parents who don't have time to deal with their children properly. This is far from the truth.

Our Eldest is 9, both children are treated equally, neither is left out, even on birthdays we always ensure we get a little present for whichever one is not celebrating their birtday (Never anything more than a Poundland toy). Our eldest is a normall child. Gets into trouble as all 9 years olds do, but she does as she's told when she's told.

Our youngest however is completely different. 3 times this week she's nearly been hit by a car by running into the road, despite being warned/grounded/had her hand smacked, had her bike taken away, and despite me spending the majority of last Saturday teaching both of my kids the correct way to cross a road. (They're going to do it cause their mates do it so they may as well do it safely, we're not talking any major roads here just a quiet street.

She also has a problem with taking instructions, from as simple as stay out of the bathroom, to being told how to play a simple game with her sister. (And repeatedly being told to not cross the road or go wandering from outside the house or backings)

She's hitting out at us and her sister, and this is becomming a common occurrance.

I've had to paint her room 5 times in 2 years for drawing on the wall and we've replaced 2 bedroom doors when she lay on her back and banged the door with her feet till she went through the laminate. We got her an easle and I got a flip chart from work, but she broke it within 3 days. Everything she has gets broke within a couple of days.

She screams and shouts at us, won't go to bed until silly o'clock depite being put into bed and tucked in. We've even tried reading to her, no luck. We've tried lying next to her until she drops off, but within 30 minutes of leaving her asleep, she's back up and out of bed.

We'ce cut out all the e-numbers and such from her food with no luck (to be honest there wasn't a lot anyway) she only drinks water no fruit juices, we mainly eat homecooked food so no colourings etc, but still nothing is working.

We went to the GP when this first started happening and they sent a health visitor and a social worker to see us. This went on for about 4 months and ended when the social worker stated my wife was at risk of beating our child as she (my wife) had been beaten as a child herself and the stress could cause her to flipout. This is despite their never being a case of my wife ever being any kind of threat to our kids. It was at this point I told the social worker to leave.

We have since been back to our GP 3 times in the past 12 months but nothing is getting done. We were told to call CAHMS (I think thats right) but we never heard anything, and our GP has also written twice (The last time about 6 weeks ago.)

What do we do. We've tried everything. Reward charts, prizes, naughty corners, grounding, timeouts in bedrooms but she just smashes things up (Last time she dug the plaster off the walls), took toys away, tried taking her for a walk with me at night with the dog to tire her out but is seems to have the opposite effect.

We love both our kids but we have no life running around after our 7 year old. It is also affecting our eldest.

When it first started we had hoped it was the 'terrible 2's kicking in late' but if it is they have lasted 4 years.

Can anyone suggest anything?

cattkitt

Have you tried the Super Nanny tip about putting children to bed, which is to tuck them in, and then the first time the child leaves the bed, to put it back with "It's bedtime, sweetheart", the second time with "It's bedtime", and the third time and thereafter, just silent hoicking back to bed, with no smile, eye contact or words. This can go on for hours, but just keep at it.

dori2o

cattkitt wrote: »

Have you tried the Super Nanny tip about putting children to bed, which is to tuck them in, and then the first time the child leaves the bed, to put it back with "It's bedtime, sweetheart", the second time with "It's bedtime", and the third time and thereafter, just silent hoicking back to bed, with no smile, eye contact or words. This can go on for hours, but just keep at it.

Yep tried all that. We sat through the supernanny DAY on one of the shy channels a couple of months ago taking notes. (Other men spend their weekends watching football, I watch Supernanny?)

Thanks for the reply anyway.

hethmar

How does she behave at school? Is she able to read/write at the "normal" level for her age?

If she is causing a lot of disruption at school, you may want to ask the school for an Educational Psychologist to see her. She sounds similar to the problems we had with our youngest son who was finally diagnosed as severely dyslexic/adhd at the age of 9. (Our eldest son was always a star at school and no real trouble at home either). Youngest acted impulsively, a;ways argumentative and destructive, lost friends as quickly as he made them, couldnt follow instructions, was clumsy, had trouble understanding the passing of time and with sounds - eg crisps were crips, hedgehogs were headchunks etc and never seemed to develop with his reading and writing after he was 5.

You may want to have a look at a forum called adders.org and post questions on there for advice.

dori2o

Thanks for the reply.

The school has been difficult to deal with, they give us a different story every week.

Just before we went back to the doctor 12 months ago we spoke to the school who mentioned there was no problems, then suddenly this changed and the school was arranging to bring in a specialist teacher.

Then we spoke to them again and there were no problems and she was well behaved, then she wasn't.

This is how it's been.

The school is failing it's OFSTED reports and we feel the indecision with our daughter is all down to this. We wrote to the headteacher (who is only part time as she is also acting head at 2 other schools) and she wrote bacxk and said it is not for the teachers to decide what her behaviour is and we should seek medical help.

We've left is so long before going back to the docs as we feel we are being fobbed off and that nobody really cares or is willing to help or give us any guidance, so we've tried going it alone but it's not working.

grey_lady

Does she seem to have a lot of energy? Just wondering why or rather how shes awake until very late and if this makes her tired and bad tempered the next day? stimulating her with a walk right before bed may not help but might be worth trying to wear her out in the morning before school and then after to use up some energy. Also worth putting blackout blinds in her room to help her get off to sleep.

Could you describe her routine a bit more? I know you mentioned cutting out e numbers, does she eat normally, weight, height, learning levels all roughly normal? Has there been any traumas or serious illness at home in the past?

blue_monkey_2

OP, CAMHS will not help as she is too young. Been there and worn the T-shirt - I have actually been referred to CAMHS and they have given us all sorts of excuses, however knowing what I know now I am glad. CAMHS do like to blame it on the parents past tbh so youreally do not want to go to them. Also, they are good for children that might be self harming but they are counsellors, they do not really help with childrens behaviour.

You could be describing my daughter down to a T, she is an angel at school so I just have to put u with it.

You could also be describing my son down to a T. Because he is NOT an angel at school he was given help and was refered to the Child Developement Centre and has a diagnosis of ADHD and Autism.

So, if you do have any problems you need to get the school to help I am afraid to say. If she is a problem at school you will get more help BUT it'll still be a fight unless they are prepared to give the help. My school were not interested in helping until we had the diagnosis on a letter.

Can I ask why they felt they had to bring in a Specialist Teacher and for what reason, please.

I would suggest that you visit your local Child Development Centre and ask if they have a notice board. A lot of areas have Behaviour Clinics that you might be able to attend. I am afraid that you will have to learn HOW to deal with the behaviour and accept it is just part of who she is. We no longer have ANY pens in the house that ar enot washable (all replaced by Crayola washables!!), the table is covered, anything that might be broken put out of rezach, the TV is on the wall. We have plastic glasses. You just have to learn how to deal with the tantrums - I put her in aher room and tell her to come down when she has finished. Put locks on the windows so they cannot be opened too far as well.

You need to go back to your GP and ask to be referred to the CDC - Child Developement Centre.

You'll be lectured for not discipling them enough ect... on here but you, as a parent, will know in your heart that sometimes, your child is just 'different' from other children of the same age. Get a referral to the CDC and see a Paediatrician, it is the only way you will get any answers. Be prepared for at least 6 months wait though - get on the waiting list now and make sure your GP sends you a copy of the referral letter.

How was her birth BTW, early/late/traumtic? My son had a traumatic birth and was a 'blue baby' and her cried a lot when he was a baby, rarely slept and was very advanced (crawling at 3 months, round the furniture at 5, walking independantly at 7). I was in labour with my daughter for almost a month - 4 cms dilated and labour pains for all that time but once she was ready she came in 20 minutes, they refused to induce me though. I do wonder if birth problems cause problems later on.

blue_monkey_2

Oh also to add, get a wooden door, not a hollow one.

Don;t let her have pens anywhere except one room in the house.

If she breaks the plates - get her a plastic one.

Buy her toys that cannot be broken. Even if they are just dolls.

Unfortunately you need to learn how to make life easier for yourself. It'll come but you need to re-train yourselves as well. Some things are not worth the stress over.

I'd say you have my sympathy but I know you do not want to hear that, you need to know how to deal with these things. Once my son was diagnosed I realised that my daughter also had some issues. She does some odd things that other kids would not even dream of doing, but I am just dealing with them my way but it does mean that she often gets treated like a toddler.

My children have no concept of time, invest in a kitchen timer and if you give them time out on the stairs (I do this with mine) put the timer on but out of reach so they can see the time ticking downuntil their punishment is over. if she gets off the stairs start the time again. We are 2 years into this working - it's been a long 2 years but we are getting there.

As for the screaming and shouting, I just switch off from it and let her get on with it. We all need/want to scream to get our frustrations out (we would like to, I have on numerous occassions, lord knows what the neighbours say about me) so let her do it. When she shouts at you shut her out of the room and close the door, tell her to come in when she has finished. Stick her outside if you have to. It gets it over and done with quicker - she will still need to do it but you have to accept this.

dori2o

Thanks for the reply

blue_monkey wrote: »

OP, CAMHS will not help as she is too young. Been there and worn the T-shirt - I have actually been referred to CAMHS and they have given us all sorts of excuses, however knowing what I know now I am glad. CAMHS do like to blame it on the parents past tbh so youreally do not want to go to them. Also, they are good for children that might be self harming but they are counsellors, they do not really help with childrens behaviour.

You could be describing my daughter down to a T, she is an angel at school so I just have to put u with it.

You could also be describing my son down to a T. Because he is NOT an angel at school he was given help and was refered to the Child Developement Centre and has a diagnosis of ADHD and Autism.

So, if you do have any problems you need to get the school to help I am afraid to say. If she is a problem at school you will get more help BUT it'll still be a fight unless they are prepared to give the help. My school were not interested in helping until we had the diagnosis on a letter.

Can I ask why they felt they had to bring in a Specialist Teacher and for what reason, please. They said it was to help her concentrate on her work, and to help with her behaviour. She is a little behind the other children in her class on everything except computers, she is an absolute whizz on a PC.

I would suggest that you visit your local Child Development Centre and ask if they have a notice board. A lot of areas have Behaviour Clinics that you might be able to attend. I am afraid that you will have to learn HOW to deal with the behaviour and accept it is just part of who she is. We no longer have ANY pens in the house that ar enot washable (all replaced by Crayola washables!!), the table is covered, anything that might be broken put out of rezach, the TV is on the wall. We have plastic glasses. You just have to learn how to deal with the tantrums - I put her in aher room and tell her to come down when she has finished. Put locks on the windows so they cannot be opened too far as well.

You need to go back to your GP and ask to be referred to the CDC - Child Developement Centre.

You'll be lectured for not discipling them enough ect... on here but you, as a parent, will know in your heart that sometimes, your child is just 'different' from other children of the same age. Get a referral to the CDC and see a Paediatrician, it is the only way you will get any answers. Be prepared for at least 6 months wait though - get on the waiting list now and make sure your GP sends you a copy of the referral letter.

How was her birth BTW, early/late/traumtic? My son had a traumatic birth and was a 'blue baby' and her cried a lot when he was a baby, rarely slept and was very advanced (crawling at 3 months, round the furniture at 5, walking independantly at 7). I was in labour with my daughter for almost a month - 4 cms dilated and labour pains for all that time but once she was ready she came in 20 minutes, they refused to induce me though. I do wonder if birth problems cause problems later on.

We don't actually know if she was late or early as my wife got 4 different due dates with a total of 3 weeks between the earliest and latest, she was born 2 weeks after the earliest date. The birth was normal, same as my other daughter, no complications.

When she was a baby all she did for 3 months was sleep. fed regularly, but was very quiet, didn't really cry all that much. But once she found her lungs at 3 months she was very loud, and was walking at 8 months.

She has toilet trouble in that she wets the bed, no matter that we have stopped giveng drinks around 1 hour before bed as directed by a doctor and ensuring she has a wee before we first put into bed, she still has accidents at least twice a week. (Thank god for waterproof matress covers)

cattkitt

From what I can gather, schools tend to "firefight", so they'll try to ignore the problem for as long as they can, then deal with it for the minimum time they can get away with. It's all to do with budgets. Even when a child is statemented, they'll try to get the special help assigned to the child on to do other things.
So you're not imagining it with the school.

Does she get on with other children, or focus on just one or two friends?
What kind of things does she like doing/playing with, given the choice?

Indie_Kid

Does she have a routine before bed so that she's calm before she goes to sleep?