Secret debt

lucy2158

I do not know if I have posted this in the right place but I just do not know what to do.

I have 3 credit cards that my husband does not know about and I have spent months hiding the bills and trying to make the payments but things have come to a head and my partner is talking about doing an IVA but that means he will find out about my debt. We have been together 10 years and we are so happy buit my debt started about 3 years ago and has spiralled from there. I owe about £15000 now and it is all I think about everday.

My husband and I were already in debt togther and this is what he is talking about the IVA for, I am so worried about him finding out because about 8 years ago he found out that I had £1000 on a credit card and he said if he found out I had debt hidden again then he would leave. I love him so much and he is the best thing to ever happen to me I do not know what to do I know I have to tell him but I cannot face losing him :(

Hannah_10

Can you face living with a man who has double standards for you and him either though? Faced with a choice to have only people around you who appretiate you for what you are (we are all flawed somehow), or to live a lie and never have anyone around you who truly understands you or loves you warts and all, would you think fake love was worth living a lie?

tallyhoh

You have to tell him because he will find out. I tell my partner the next time he does it he will have to leave but he has not gone yet.Trust me, the secrecy is worse than the debt.

lucy2158

tallyhoh wrote: »

You have to tell him because he will find out. I tell my partner the next time he does it he will have to leave but he has not gone yet.Trust me, the secrecy is worse than the debt.

I know that is what is gonna hurt him so much is the lies and it is killing me living with them to. I thought I could but over the last few months I have not been able to sleep and he keeps asking me whats wrong. I can't believe I have been so stupid and coud lose the person who means everything to me because of it.

Hannah_10

If he meant what he said in the church he's not going anywhere.

If he didn't, then is he worth keeping?

lucy2158

Hannah_10 wrote: »

If he meant what he said in the church he's not going anywhere.

If he didn't, then is he worth keeping?[/QUOTE

I know he ment every word on our wedding day I just know how much this is gonna hurt him and I can't believe I have put myself in this situation but I cannot see anyway out now

Nargleblast

Lucy, your husband is in no position to lecture you about debt, because if he is thinking of taking out an IVA then he must have at least £15000-worth of debt himself!

Best thing to do is 1)cut up all credit and store cards. Now. Yes, I know it will hurt, but you have to do it. 2) Do the Statement of Affairs calculations (see first time posters, SOA sticky at top of threads list) and post it on here. You will then get some help with sorting out your budget and planning debt repayments.
3) Take some independent advice from a non-charging organisation like CCCS or Payplan or National Debtline. You can do an online debt remedy on the CCCS site which will guide you as to how to repay your debt - whether a debt management plan, IVA or even bankruptcy is the way forward. 4) Once you have a plan in mind, then tell your husband how much debt you are in and what you propose to do about it.

Whatever his reaction at first (he will probably hit the roof) he should, if he really loves you and values your life together, join you in sorting out the problem. Just do not accept any carp from him - if he were not in debt himself then he could be forgiven for judging you, but it sounds like a case of pots calling kettles black! Good luck and let us know what happens.

andrea1968_2

You really do have to tell him because he's going to find out anyway. As the other posters have said, he's already got a fair bit of debt himself and although he'll not be happy, you can't have a relationship thats built on deception and guilt.

Take this as an opportunity to start as you mean to go on - explain that you've been struggling to keep this to yourself and trying to deal with it without his support. He's obviously not perfect and isn't in a place to be able to take the moral highground but try and explain that this is the chance for you to both be able to sort out your financial problems once and for all.

Good luck, it's a big step to take but think of the weight that will be lifted of your shoulders.

and_breathe

Hi Lucy.
I was in your position about 2 months ago. I had £42,000 of debt I had kept from my husband. I ran for the post when it came, I wouldn't leave the house until the postman had been, I panicked when the 'phone rang. I worried continuously about him finding a credit card statement...then he did...
Believe me, life is SO much better when you don't have that secret dragging you down. Things do change, they change dramatically - we have both learnt from this.
You've been here before, you know how he responded last time, was he reasonable after the initial shock? How can you make it easier for him? I gave my dh all my cards, all my bank log in details, I arranged an appointment at the bank for us to discuss our options. What could you do?
Are you still managing to make your repayments?
You do need to tell him, before he finds out himself, that could be very embarrassing for him.

adfax

This time last year I had over £60,000 of debts that I had kept hidden from my wife. I too was running to grab the post, hiding the bills, dreading phone calls etc.

However, last summer I realised that I couldn't keep it up and had to tell my wife. She wasn't happy, but not so much over the debt itself but because I had hidden it from her.

I can fully understand your fears about coming clean, but it really was a weight off my mind once I had told her.

On a purely practical note, if your husband is already talking about an IVA for his / joint debts, then he isn't really in a position to say much about your debts. At the end of the day, I am sure he has benefitted from the expenditure which has led to your debts as much as you from his.

Also, to sort your debts at the same time won't cost anymore; your surplus income will be the same; it will just have to be shared between a few more creditors.

Good luck

lucy2158

Well thought I should update this......I did it, I told him everything in between A LOT of tears on Monday night. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I cant believe I have hurt him so much. He was so upset more about the lies and betrayal than the money itself said he will work though everything with me so I really hope we are going to be ok. I thoughjt I would feel relief once I told him but I just fell disgusted with myself that I have done it in the 1st place. Thank you all fro your replys and advise fingers crossed we are going to come out of this together the other side, next step speaking to payplan and cccs.