sorry, need to vent

justengaged_2

hi all

sorry i just need to vent. I've just had a stonking row with my mother over the wedding.

We just about get along but I've learnt early in life not to disagree with her and just about managed it.

we haven't decided if we want to do a church ceremony yet as OH is a complete nonbeliever but I'm a proper catholic. so i've been making discrete enquiries without telling my mother and getting the information ready.

Except she's already asked the parish priest at home (it's overseas!) but is claiming it was from a conversation a while ago. So I tell her I need to speak to the priest alone because our situation is quite complicated and she says it's not possible. So I tell her that she's been saying it's my wedding the whole time and now I would like to arrange that part of my wedding. It's quite complicated getting married in a different parish of the catholic church, much more as OH is divorced and isn't a christian of any description.

Then she says that I'm an ungrateful child for everything she's done. when I've agreed with her on all the dates that she's wanted for the wedding. the original date of xx jan and now the new date of xx march that she's chosen.

I don't really see what I've done wrong as we've just bowed to her every wish. OH is being dressed up and paraded in front of 120 relatives when he doesn't like meeting people in large groups. We're doing a completely chinese ceremony at home because that's my. cultural tradition and it's OH's 2nd wedding so he's not that fussed

She hung up on me so I went and sobbed to OH. She says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and as long as I'm happy she'll wash her hands off me.

She's been blackmailing me emotionally since I was small (to the point where I have no empathy or sympathy for anyone and I have to fake it!!) and I've just always let her do whatever she wants but surely it's not unreasonable to try and arrange my own church wedding?

She's been calling me since she hung up on me (about 10 minutes later) and I refused to pick up the phone. I told OH to pick up and tell her I was still crying but he refused to get involved. She just left a voicemail saying I should phone her back and I feel I should but I know that if I do, we'll end up shouting and I won't be able to sleep when I've got to get up in 6 hours for work

I'm so sorry for the essay. It's just so difficult to tell things like these to friends. and it's too late to be calling people and sobbing down the phone if there's no death.

GEEGEE8

Tell her to bog off and from now on you'll be arranging YOUR wedding how YOU want it. If she wants to act childish then just invite her to the wedding like any other guest. x

ellay864

Geegee may sound harsh but I agree...if she's managed to reduce her own daughter to tears and not appear even the slightest bit guilty about that then she deserves to have you cut her out of it. It sounds like you've let her take over a lot of things already even though it's YOUR day. The people who are important here are you and your OH. Your OH sounds remarkably tolerant and it seems like you've gone along with things for your mother to a pretty big extent already. Now it's your turn to make sure you're getting what you want out of it. We're not talking small insignificant details here - this is the main ceremony bit fgs. You go for what YOU want and it'll be her loss, not yours, if she spits her dummy out

floss2

Don't answer your phone, take your OH to bed for a cuddle & get some sleep.

Then make a phone call or send an email to arrange a time to speak to the parish priest - but be aware that they may not be able to marry you if your OH is a divorce, as in the eyes of the Catholic church he is still married - although if he married in a register office he was never married at all, so you need all the information before having the conversation!

As to your mum's "help", maybe you could not include her so much in wedding talk, or speak to another family member to ask them to ask her to back off a bit?

P.S. TURN THE PHONE OFF SO YOU CAN'T HEAR IT!!!

McKneff

She's doing it because she can get away with it, she gets away with it because you allow her to.

No matter what the consequences, stick up for yourself. Let her get on with her sulking. Stop letting her get away with it
and tell her why.
Tell her no amount of sulking will work, either accept your decisions or you will do it anyway with or without her support (not her permission)

justengaged_2

Thanks all. It's quite a stressful time as well with lots of other things re jobs, divorce etc and we are quite strong so that will be ok.

I know the situation with the church wedding is quite complicated and I've tried to explain to her that she can't just go to the parish priest and demand we get married. I've already spoken to my parish priest here and he may need to request a dispensation from the bishop and it's all quite complicated so I need to speak to the priest who will be marrying me. Except she won't let me because she feels that she should (even after I told her that it's my wedding).

Thanks all, I wish I was as strong as some of you on here but somehow anything involving my mother turns me into a gibbering wreck!

louisecat

This may sound like a small comfort now but at least when you have babies you'll know you'll be a completely different mother!

My mum is like that with her grandmother, has been controlled all her life and vowed to be a lot more liberal when raising me and as a result we're more like friends now than mother and daughter, I live with my OH but still make an effort to visit once a week and talk on the phone a couple of times a week, so in the end it will all work out!

snugglepet20

OP my mother is a controlling b***h so you have my every sympathy. She dominated, controlled and runied my wedding to the extent where I want to cry when I think about it and cannot bear to look at the pictures. It is the one day that is supposed to be about you and what you want. I wish I had stood up to her and her emotional blackmail, even if she never spoke to me again. Sometimes when I think about this and all the other things she has done I wonder why I speak to her at all. Stand your ground this is important.

MrsC....tobe

While I understand what you are going through and the pain that it is causing, in some ways I am envious. My mum hasn't taken a jot of interest so far and I asked my sisters if they would all like to co-ordinate with my colour scheme and the one that lives with her told her the colours and that wasnt met with a good response. I asked the wee one if mum had told granny yet about me getting married and I got the response "I dont know, TBH she hardly talks about you at all". That just reminded me of where I come in her list of children and thats barely even scraping the bottom of it

To the OP, chin up, you have it as YOU and OH want it and if mum doesnt like it then thats her problem, not yours. She should be happy to discuss things with you, not take over and have you marry the way she wants it just so she can 'shine' on the day. Its you that should be outdoing her not the other way around. It wont be easy to talk to her about any of this and the truth does hurt but she needs to know how you feel and if she doesnt want to be a part of the day then Im sure she will regret it more than you. Your OH sounds very supportive, go get a cuddle!

Lexxi

Could you email her and explain that it is your day and not hers and she needs to step back as you and OH want to do things how you want to and have to factor in the possible complications too? Type something out, what you want to say and leave it, have a coffee or something and go back to it and read it and edit it or delete it, once you have put it all onto paper then you may calm down enough to speak to her but don't let her ruin your wedding!

floss2

OP, did your mum arrange her own wedding, or was it done for her by HER mum?

I have to admit to feeling a bit sad with all the conversations about how helpful or not your parents are being - my parents are no longer with us, and I would put up with any interference from my mum or dad to have them here with me when we marry.