Help me please!!!

hanspans

Hi

I love this site and it’s been rock solid to me, but I’ve hardly ever used the Chat Room, so I am giving it a go. I recently posted another message and got a great response, you all sound like great people.

My problem can be summed up by saying that when I first met my partner I was £4000 in debt, and now I am £13,000!!!

Today, I am going to sort through my statements and see where the money has gone, most likely to the Alan Fund I suspect. Alan is the name of the debt-maker I co-habit with.

Be gentle with me, as I have had lots of problems in my life, and they are continuing to grow. I feel so stressed right now, I might have a nervous breakdown! I am going to the Docs next week and hopefully will feel better soon, but I need to learn how to cope with his laissez-faire attitude. Does anyone else have a similar problem?

Alan is self-employed and therefore has struggled with work; I also think he has a drink problem. Initially, I helped him out with small amounts, but more and more, my wages shrunk to accommodate his spending.

I am a very scared and nervous person, and felt very alone when I met him, so I wanted to keep him being mine. I had just received a pay rise at work and so it seemed easy to carry on. Needless to say, the debt is my name and growing. I recently took 6 weeks off work to distress and told him he had to look after me for a bit, which he did, he was working for once. But now I’ve returned to work, he has already said I might have to help him.

The figures I can calculate and deal with, the repayments I can make, I am an extremely tight person really and always worried over debt, so I know I can budget and stick to it. He is my weakness; it’s like a Mother – Son thing I think.

I cannot move on, because I’ve no where to go and also because I am still in love with him, and so I need to come up with a solution which pays off the debt, and makes me feel less stressed.

My solutions are:

1. Call CCCS and do a debt management plan, but where does that leave me in terms of buying a house/starting a business down the line? Am I black-listed forever?
2. Cut up my credit cards and get the bank to send a letter saying I could be bankrupt if I take out any further credit?
3. Declare bankruptcy? But what are the implications?

Anyway, any help, suggestions would be appreciated. As I said, I am not very well right now and so leaving him isn’t going to work. I would be worse.

Help me please

xxx

lynzpower

hello there

Welcome

First of all you might not need to go down the CCCS route or bankrupcy, post up an SOA here first. read southern scousers first time posters sticky for all you need to know

What does your OH think about the debt that you guys are in - do you live together? plenty of us have had problems with our OHs ( not me, but lots of others) not "getting it" theres loads of support here for you

Big welcome

Jolinar

hanspans wrote:

Hi



Alan is self-employed and therefore has struggled with work; I also think he has a drink problem. Initially, I helped him out with small amounts, but more and more, my wages shrunk to accommodate his spending.
xxx

About 18 months ago I could have written this to the letter. My OH was self employed and I would lend him money and never get it back because something always happened. You need to stop giving him money because it's giving him a false sense of doing ok and obviously it's having a knock on effect on you and your finances. I sat down with my OH and explained that no more money would be forth coming, so it's time make your business successful or get a job with a regular income. I know it sounds harsh but you need to do this for your own sanity. We then both contacted CCCS and sorted the whole mess out and now we're much better off that we were and looking forward to being debt free in 3 years

Big hugs and I hope you can get it sorted

hanspans

State of Affairs

5,167.33 egg loan
431.84 hsbc visa
126.36 unauthorised overdraft
1,775.20 graduate loan
2,812.78 mbna
1800.00 halifax


My payments each month I was making, but since giving up work, he has paid once, however now I am back at work, my money is slow coming in and can’t see us making the loan payments and the rent, we live at one of his family houses for £250 a month plus bills, I think we will have to borrow the £250 this month to pay the rent.

I used to get paid every month on the 15th and bills went out on the 16th. I paid regularly my egg and hsbc grad loan, which total £310.95. The cards I paid minimum payment on. The overdraft, unauthorised is just from the last week. My stupid boyfriend despite earning £1,000 per week for over 6 weeks! Prat central! Spent a lot of money last week on a stag do in Ibiza. He maintains he needed the holiday. I need one now!

My boyfriend is the type that lives from hand to mouth and when he has money likes to spend it. He cares, but obviously not as much as me. his credit score is horrific and he says he will be refused a loan, so can’t take on some of the debts. He is always wanting a rainbow to come down and save it all!!

I hope that gives you an idea. Thanks for the super quick response. I can’t say how lovely it is to see people helping each other out. Ideally, I want a solution where a third-party controls my cash and gives me what I need to live on – to stop me giving all my cash away.

xx

hanspans

I know deep down that's the only way forward, but my problem is I am not able to do that. I've tried it so many times but he just keeps shrugging it off. Maybe if i go to CCCS first, so that every penny i earn is accounted for, i could then say to him, there is literally no money.

Sven67

Are you able to show how much your outgoings are, bills etc? It sounds to me as if you have two issues, one is your boyfriends uncontrolled spending and two is your own spiralling debt. However I suspect the two are closely tied together, are you able to show what shared costs you have where actually its just you ends up paying it? What if any contributions does he make and can it change? He may say he needed an holiday and most people do but it comes across as if you paid for it indirectly.

I wouldn’t worry though, there’s lots of support here and its nothing that can’t get sorted one way or the other.

tyllwyd

There is an excellent post here http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=107280
that shows how to set out an SOA.

If you wanted to post your SOA here, people would be able to give you more specific advice on what to do. But even if you don't want to post it, it would be a really good discipline to sit down and find all the figures, so that you can see exactly what you have coming in and going out.

I know that your bf's money goes up and down, but that isn't an excuse for him not to contribute to the household, so maybe you need to sit down together to work out what is the best way to manage that. Maybe when he gets paid, he could split his money up with, say, 25% being put aside to cover tax, 25% for him, and 50% to you or a joint account to pay towards debts and bills.

You need to sit down and look at this together and agree a way forward together, otherwise you will never be able to get yourself straight.

Jolinar

hanspans wrote:

I know deep down that's the only way forward, but my problem is I am not able to do that. I've tried it so many times but he just keeps shrugging it off. Maybe if i go to CCCS first, so that every penny i earn is accounted for, i could then say to him, there is literally no money.

I know it's difficult to say no to a loved one, really it is and you sound like you're not in a good place at the minute. Perhaps the next time he asks say you're up to your OD limit and maxed out the Credit Cards? It may give you some breathing space. In the mean time give CCCS a call and they can help you with your budget if you don't feel like airing all your laundry in public on here. They're not just there to advise on DMP's they can offer some practical advice without going down that route.

Good luck (((hugs)))

MinnieSpender

No!!! hanspans - stop bailing him out! I'm so sorry to have to say this, but I was practically screaming at the computer when I read your post.

From what I can see here, the debt is the symptom of a much bigger problem. Certain phrases shouted out to me:

* when I first met my partner I was £4000 in debt, and now I am £13,000!!!

* Alan is the name of the debt-maker I co-habit with

* I also think he has a drink problem

* more and more, my wages shrunk to accommodate his spending

* I am a very scared and nervous person, and felt very alone when I met him, so I wanted to keep him being mine.

* now I’ve returned to work, he has already said I might have to help him.

* He is my weakness; it’s like a Mother – Son thing I think.

* I am not very well right now and so leaving him isn’t going to work. I would be worse.

You two need to sit down and talk this one through - and quickly. If you can't do this alone, then please contact Relate and see a counsellor together.

Can you see this situation sorting itself out if you don't BOTH make a positive decision to help it? Can you afford to get yourself into this mess? And, gulp - I apologise for saying this - can you afford to stay with him, both for the sake of your health and your finances?

What is the rest of the relationship like? Does he care for you and love you? I'm so worried for you - I don't want to see you being used. Please say a firm "NO!" to him when he asks you to "help you". If he doesn't like that, then at least you know where you stand.

hanspans - you should be his partner and that means his equal. You're not his mother and by heavens, do you deserve more than this.

Sorry if this sounds like a rant. It's not meant to. Please look after yourself.

Broken_hearted

You want advice well here goes:

Get out of that relationship, find out who you are and get your confidence back.

lavidaloca

If he is self employed does he save for his tax bills?