Shared Residence hearing, advice needed please.

gratefulforhelp_2

I'd like to add that you need to be considerate in the matter of breastfed babies. To move to a situation where the baby is apart from the mother may well not be 1. reasonable or 2. in the best interests of the baby in the early stages, no matter what your wishes are.

If the mother follows WHO guidelines and breastfeeds exclusively until 6 months, then you can see the issue.

Not everyone can express milk, and it would look well on you to be considerate of this.

PlayingHardball

I just want to say best of luck Tom, I have my fingers crossed for you that it will all turn out okay. I don't have any experience or advice to offer, but in that statement that you are preparing, do you mention what facilities you will be able to provide your daughter when she visists, like what your living accomodation is?

Keep your spirits up no matter what, don't give up.

As for the child support, make sure you are not overpaying. Is it through the CSA, or private?
https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

mectron

clearingout wrote: »

tombe, for what it's worth, you sound like a sensible, decent kind of guy who just wants what's best for his daughter. Certainly, many 22 year olds would be off like a shot and need the CSA to chase them....although I laugh at myself and the agism as my ex is just short of 40 and was off like a shot and needs the CSA to chase him!!! It takes all sorts, I guess!

Good luck with it. Let us know how you get on. As an aside, google Families Need Fathers - they may be able to help you better than we can here. Lots of experience and they have a good reputation generally. It would do you no harm to have a root around their website and see if there is any local support.

my children were 2&4 year old when we split that was 12 years ago ,i have never missed any weekends with them at all.
now they are in there mid teens i still love to spend time with them and spend whatever little cash i have left to provide any entertainment.
oh yes ,i had the csa banging on my door for hideous amounts of money i.e a third of my wages,in which i found that this was virtuously impossible to pay.
in the end i was left with a massive 10k debt.....thank you very much csa for ruining my life and making it so hard for non resident partners to provide for there children ,this is why people like you make me sick when you come out with a ridiculous comment such as when the csa get involved the men are off like a shot.
unless you have been in this situation where financially you are bled dry you really do not have a clue what your talking about,
so next time think before you type in your rather naive comments:(

PlayingHardball

mectron wrote: »

in the end i was left with a massive 10k debt.....thank you very much csa for ruining my life and making it so hard for non resident partners to provide for there children ,this is why people like you make me sick when you come out with a ridiculous comment such as when the csa get involved the men are off like a shot.

Hi Mectron, oh dear! I think you misunderstood Clearingout. She is paying a large compliment to the original poster and others like him, such as yourself - the good NRP's.

I have quoted your bit above because I felt like saying 'SNAP' when I read it. The difference though, is I am the PWC and I was left with a £10,000 debt because of my ex. Just under 2 years ago my ex escaped the 'clutches' of the CSA by moving abroad and I was forced to take a loan out to keep my mortgage payments up in order to avoid losing my home. I'm chiselling away at the loan bit by bit. Sadly, the ex who was what I considered a very good dad, no longer wants contact with our daughter, it breaks her heart. I believe he thinks it will me more difficult to catch up with him if he has no ties, go figure. I think he will eventually have to pay up and I think that day is looming, but I am not holding my breath. If it comes, I'll pay off my loan and have more for my daughter for college.

There really are thousands and thousands of men out there who are off like a shot, just as clearingout says, but please know that there are many more like yourself and the OP (bless him, he's so young!) that put their beautiful children first.

We aplaud you, really we do! :A You guys are the winners, as you say, you've got a great relationship with your children.

mectron

PlayingHardball wrote: »

Hi Mectron, oh dear! I think you misunderstood Clearingout. She is paying a large compliment to the original poster and others like him, such as yourself - the good NRP's.

I have quoted your bit above because I felt like saying 'SNAP' when I read it. The difference though, is I am the PWC and I was left with a £10,000 debt because of my ex. Just under 2 years ago my ex escaped the 'clutches' of the CSA by moving abroad and I was forced to take a loan out to keep my mortgage payments up in order to avoid losing my home. I'm chiselling away at the loan bit by bit. Sadly, the ex who was what I considered a very good dad, no longer wants contact with our daughter, it breaks her heart. I believe he thinks it will me more difficult to catch up with him if he has no ties, go figure. I think he will eventually have to pay up and I think that day is looming, but I am not holding my breath. If it comes, I'll pay off my loan and have more for my daughter for college.

There really are thousands and thousands of men out there who are off like a shot, just as clearingout says, but please know that there are many more like yourself and the OP (bless him, he's so young!) that put their beautiful children first.

We aplaud you, really we do! :A You guys are the winners, as you say, you've got a great relationship with your children.

thats a very point,i dare say i got a little reeled in and i appologise if
i overstepped the mark.:o

clearingout

Hi mectron - I have just come back to this. I see your point - I do understand there are two sides and am horrified at some of the stories on here where NRPs have huge arrears, miscalculated

clearingout

oops - pressed send there!

I didn't mean to offend. I understand that it can be hard as a NRP, but it is also difficult as a PWC. I am certainly a PWC who drew a short straw when it came to a divorce settlment and my ex has got away with, and continues to get away with, murder when it comes to child maintenance. Let's just say my ex and his girlfriend have managed to have 3 exotic foreign holidays in the last 12 months but he hasn't paid a penny towards the children. And it's me who's being financially bled dry in our case - or my mum who is quietly helping me to make sure the children have what they need - we sure as hell wouldn't have had Xmas last year if she hadn't helped out. I know the percentages of wages paid in maintenance can have a major effect on stand of living for the NRP and impact on time spent with the children - but it works both ways. I can do nothing other than take my children to the park or on picnics or attend free events because I don't have the funds to do anything else - I would be happy if the ex spent money on them in lieu of maintenance but he needs every penny for his holidays, apparently! I am pretty cynical, I admit. Life sure as hell didn't turn out the way I intended!

Anyway, I apologise again if I offended. I didn't intend to. I recognise we come at this from our own unique perspectives and the impact of child maintenance ( or lack of) equally impacts on us individually and shapes our thinking.

Tombe

Just an update, had the court hearing yesterday. After my ex met with the CAFCASS officer I was called in and he managed to sort out an agreement of 4hrs a week for 3months and then 6hrs a week for the next 6months with a review hearing in Feb 2011, I hoped for a little bit more but it’s a start and I was told if the mother didn’t agree then she would not be forced and she was not willing to let me have 6hrs now and increase it later. They only thing I was a little disappointed with is, the judge was ready to make this agreement into an order after I expressed my worry that the mother will not stick to it as happened previously but the CAFCASS officer objected to as order being made. In the end no order was made, however the judge did assure me if contact was broke I could write to the court and she would arrange a hearing ASAP and she warned my ex agreement for no substantial reason it would not be taken lightly.

So in the end I think it could have been better but beggars can’t be choosers and am really happy contact will be restarted and we are moving forward at last.

Tom

bdt1

Life sure as hell didn't turn out the way I intended! :rotfl:

Clearing out, this did make me chuckle, sorry, but does life ever turn out as we expected????????

When I married my 1st hubs he gazed into my eyes at the alter, and told me he would love me and only me until the day one of us died.

Within 7 months he was having his 1st affair, within a year we had separated due to his womanising, lovebites and turning home at 5am were apparently unreasonable!!! I had 2 children to him. I was pregnant with 1st when we married and was 6 wks pregnant when he left me - silly of me I know, but I do not believe in abortion.

He then went on to say 2nd child wasn't his, this was proven as not so, he was one having affairs not me, we then divorced , and he decided to try and take me back to Court to regain more money from house, he failed, he then decided that he had better things to do (women) than see his children at weekends, so has only ever seen his 2nd child once at 2 weeks old. (child is now nearly 19).

I went to CSA after he never gave me a penny for many years, and no he is not some down and out Jeremy Kyle tracksuit bottom 'chav', he is a distinguished, well spoken gentleman, who literally charmed my underwear off - he is now a millionaire on paper. Yet he has taken me to several CSA Tribunal hearings and opposed every decision they have made, he has never intended paying me a penny more than he had to, yet his last home (I know as bumped into an old friend of his - was worth 3 million). I'm not bitter, he's worked hard and been successful, just wish he had had input with children, and helped with 1st cars/driving lessons etc, when these costs have totally wiped me out, it would have been pocket money to him.

Has he ever been in touch - no, has he ever known the struggles I've had to bring those children up - no. When they were small I had 3 jobs and thank the Lord for my parents. The children are aware their step-father of 16 years is not bioigically theirs, but they love him, he has been consistent and loving, they show no desire to ever trace their (can't call him father - don't regard him as such - sperm donor).

Just to add, he's still single, after a string of failed co-habting relationships, wonder why, sorry but think his tackle must warrant a Government health warning by now, it's got to be green/glowing and about to drop off :rotfl: I hope!!

Sorry, couldn't resist - but true

Angela41

RAS wrote: »

Hi

Start by agreeing with your ex; that takes the wind out of everyone's sails. Is little one breast-fed at all? If so that complicates things.

"Given the disruption to date, when little one has seen you for three weeks in a row and then not for a month, (allows you to get a go at OH's disruptive behaviour to date) you agree that 2 hours per week is right, initially at her home, so you can learn the feeding and other routines.

After two weeks however, you want to take little one out, then take her home. After 6 weeks, you would want to extend this to 3 hours a week, preferably twice a week. At 9 months, you want a full day, with the intention of moving to overnight at one year.

Something like that. There is a very good thread on the marriage section which list a normal progressive arrangment.

Another suggests the folllowing for a 2 year old, " The standard tends to be say 18:00 Friday to 18:00 Sunday one week and midweek overnight the alternate week."

Hi Ras, being interested in the conversation here, I was trying to find the source of the thread of your information. Any help much appreciated, am new to this site. thanks