Shared Residence hearing, advice needed please.

Tombe

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone with a bit of maybe personal experience or otherwise could give me some advice.

Basically me and my partner split up a few months before she gave birth. We were never married but i carried on to support her financially throughout her pregnancy. Baby was then born and that's really when everything turned sour. We had an agreement that i have contact twice a week on a weekday for 2hrs and on a weekend for 4hrs. This lasted for a few weeks and then she suddenly stopped it. Even though i still pay her a few hundred pounds each month i only see our daughter on her say so, its very sporadic to say the least and even then its for an hour or so at best. i referred us to mediation five time but she kept declining, she didnt even bother to respond to letters inviting her to attend. With no end in sight i applied for share residence of our daughter as i didnt want my daughter to grow up not really knowing her father. I know i probably wont get this straight away as our daughter is still only 5months but at least i will get regular contact and eventually overnight stays. Out first direction hearing at the county court is next week and was wondering if anyone could give me a heads up on what the likely outcome of this will be or know of similar cases involving young children.

Thanks

Tom

kelloggs36

I have no experience of this, but I wanted to wish you luck. You sound like a reasonable person, and a great dad! I would think that you will be given something, but she needs to keep to whatever is said. I hope for your sake and your child's sake that she does not mess about. You may end up back in court, but it may send the message that you aren't going away anytime soon. Hugs and best wishes.

Mojisola

I can't help with the county court - there will be others along who can. I just wanted to say that I hope you are getting written evidence of the money you are giving her. It's not unknown for a mother to claim that she hasn't received any support from the father when the money has been handed over as cash.

clearingout

I have three children - now 11 months, 3 and 6. Ex took me to court after he left me to try and secure a shared residency order on the basis that he didn't want to move (I was pregnant with no. 3 at the time so he didn't really figure in the equation) away from the area, not because he didn't have access to the children or that I was being difficult about access.

Anyway, CAFCASs got involved and it took a long time (months and months) to get a report. At that point the baby was 6 months old! The official line from CAFCASs was that my ex should have access on a 'little and often' basis which in practise has worked out to be 6 hours, 3 times a week. We have done a couple of overnights and are working towards him fitting in with the older two children. I am still breastfeeding so it makes things a bit harder (and I would like to stop as he's driving me insane with it - thinks I'm his own personal milk bar open at all hours, any hour! ).

You need to focus on the needs of the baby in court and not what you want - so he needs to get to know you on a little and often basis before what's termed 'separation anxiety' kicks in (usually around 9 months). My little one is very much a mummy's boy but is happy to go to dad - although he is also going where his brothers go so I guess that helps. I wouldn't suggest overnights before the age of one but you need to make it clear this is what you are wanting to work towards - your child fitting into your family routines, having a normal family life with both mum and dad. Be clear that you will follow any directions from your ex regarding routine (routine is everything with babies, nothing worse than having someone mess it up for you!).

Avoid any mud slinging. Judges don't like it. It's about the child. Nothing else. No one gives a damn why you split up, what you said or did last year, last week or even 10 minutes ago. If your ex suggests you're an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally ill etc. etc. deny it quietly and suggest if there are any problems, you are more than happy to undergo testing or psychological assessment (it is quite common to sling mud in this way - not trying to scare you, just warn you...).

Money and children are not linked - don't mention that you are paying maintenance unless asked - the commonly used phrase is 'children are not pay per view'. Whilst you wouldn't do yourself any favours not paying, the fact that you are is all within the realms of normal and reasonable parenting and is nothing to shout about. You don't have to pay to see your child and a judge, at worst, would reprimand a non-paying father but it would have no effect on his/her judgement.

Hope that helps. You'll be fine. The court system works in the best interests of the child and supports contact with both parents. There is nothing to worry about.

speedster

i would be very surprised if a SRO application will get far at this stage.

still. it doesn't hurt trying, just be realistic and you'll probably end up with some good contact at least.

there are a lot of factors in this. the ex's attitude, your performance, the judge, even the judge's mood!!

nothing is gauranteed in family courts, that's for sure.

good luck. :beer:

Tombe

Thank you so much for all the advice, its really useful and i appreciate it.

clearingout, you mentioned the two things i really hope of achieving from the court app. Regular contact even if its not long that the ex cant stop when she has a mood swing and a routine for my daughter to get used to. This might sound dramatic but i do feel like she's being abused by the way she is allowed to see me, and i am not saying that because i do not get on with my ex. It is so random, she can see me three weeks in a row and then not for a month and so. Am 22yrs old and can deal with that but she's only 5 months and i'd hate to thing what effect it has on her. The main thing i want to over come before its too late is separation anxiety, my ex has allowed me to see her alone but most of the time its heavily supervised/chaotic (i mean her, her mother and a few friends) for absolutely no reason.

Fingers crossed it goes well.

Thanks guys

clearingout

tombe, for what it's worth, you sound like a sensible, decent kind of guy who just wants what's best for his daughter. Certainly, many 22 year olds would be off like a shot and need the CSA to chase them....although I laugh at myself and the agism as my ex is just short of 40 and was off like a shot and needs the CSA to chase him!!! It takes all sorts, I guess!

Good luck with it. Let us know how you get on. As an aside, google Families Need Fathers - they may be able to help you better than we can here. Lots of experience and they have a good reputation generally. It would do you no harm to have a root around their website and see if there is any local support.

Tombe

Thanks for the support. Quick update, me and my ex finally went to our first mediation session today, after she agreed on the advice of a letter form the judge. I really had high hopes we could sort something out but she would only agree to me seeing our daughter for two hours a week, which i really thought was insulting. I went into the meeting on a high and came out on such a downer in the space of an hour. She reckons two hours is enough as our daughter, who is still only 5months does not know who i am. I mean when she said that it was like a dagger through the heart, i got thick skin and not much gets to me but that took me back. After all the effort i have made to be involved in my daughters life for her to actually say that. I wasn't happy about her offer of two hours a week and really hope the court agree with this, the mediator did say any interim order made will have to be agreed by the mother, so the prospect of seeing my daughter for two hours a week for the next 4/6months is actually awful. Am really starting to become worried and nervous by our court hearing and what's going to happen.

Tom

speedster

i shouldn't panic too much.

if she spouts off in court that she considers 2 hrs a week enough, there's a good chance that she'll be "persuaded" by the judge that it isn't.

have you got a good position statement prepared yet? this can be a crucial part of your case.

Tombe

I am going to start writing one this weekend, our court hearing is next week and didnt want to write a final one until i had been to mediation so to include everything and leave bits out. What things do you recommend i write? I will try and make it as short as possible, preferably no more than a page.

P.S
The bit you have about never arguing with idiots is so true, and sadly i have found this out the hard way.

Tom

RAS

Hi

Start by agreeing with your ex; that takes the wind out of everyone's sails. Is little one breast-fed at all? If so that complicates things.

"Given the disruption to date, when little one has seen you for three weeks in a row and then not for a month, (allows you to get a go at OH's disruptive behaviour to date) you agree that 2 hours per week is right, initially at her home, so you can learn the feeding and other routines.

After two weeks however, you want to take little one out, then take her home. After 6 weeks, you would want to extend this to 3 hours a week, preferably twice a week. At 9 months, you want a full day, with the intention of moving to overnight at one year.

Something like that. There is a very good thread on the marriage section which list a normal progressive arrangment.

Another suggests the folllowing for a 2 year old, " The standard tends to be say 18:00 Friday to 18:00 Sunday one week and midweek overnight the alternate week."