Help!

Beast

You'll need to close the joint account and she'll need to file a notice of disassociation with the credit reference agencies to break the link.

Doomed

pixiechick wrote: »

I agree. I think your credit rating is going to plummet whatever option you take.

I think the worst thing you can do is to take out another card or consolidation loan (balance transferring onto new 0% cards and then carrying on using the old cards is how I got into my mess.) Whatever you do, do not go with a Debt Management Company which charges you for helping with your debt. There are plenty of free debt advise charities around (though they won't advise you on unenforceability.)

Thinking about it, I think it could be a good idea to post on the debtfree wannabe board. there are a lot of very knowledgeable people over there.

Finally, please tell your wife. Yes. She'll probably go ballistic at first but the worry of your financial situation is bound to be affecting your behaviour (even if you think it isn't) and she may well be worrying about why you are acting slightly different. In fact, telling her that the cause of it is debt might come as a relief - she could be thinking that you're having an affair (as a woman I know how our minds work!)

you've really hit it right with all of this tbh.

in this mess as in the good times i was moving debt around in circles never actually paying a penny to anyone. tranferred balances and max'd it out over time once again. so this kind of thing is not the answer.

as for my behaviour its funny you mention it, shes a Psychologist and keeps asking me why iam having jekyl and hide moments all the time.

Doomed

Curt. wrote: »

The joint accounts issue is the #1 way in which you could junk her credit status the minute you start missing payments Doomed, so you HAVE to tell her so she can notify CRA's with a letter of dissassociation and perhaps save her own credit rating. (Assuming you have joint products). I know its a very difficult step but you seem like you want to put her and the kids first (which is admirable) given what you have said thus far, and this is the first step you have to take. Also you said a lot of the debts were from before you got married, so she may be understanding that before you met her things were different and what not - so long as you are not behavng with malice or something along those lines i think she will be okay....(fingers crossed). But you must somehow find a way of telling her so you can do the one thing you have shown a lot of concern over, which is her creditworthyness and the kids future.

Yes this is what iam trying to do. damage limitation for what are the innocent victims of my stupidity. nothing sinister in my spending. not addictied to any drugs,gambling or any other bad habits!

most if it comes from when we were doing long distance relationship with travelling costs with easyjet etc. making sure when we where together nothing was ever to get in the way of a good time. since we got married i have travelling costs to get home to see the folks. but its madness.

climbintheladderouttadebt

Beast is spot on with advice re the account and the financial association. Think you're handling this very well. Look forward to your next update Doomed! Thinking of you!

Doomed

climbintheladderouttadebt wrote: »

Think you're handling this very well. Look forward to your next update Doomed! Thinking of you!

cheers, only joined today. posted this thread in the wrong section but blowen away at the advise and the support already.

just hope to save my marriage and find a solution for this nightmare situation without doomsday scenario.

climbintheladderouttadebt

Doomed, I promise you this is all manageable. Please talk to your wife asap, to unload some of the burden and get it all out in the open. Will check back tomorrow to see how you're getting on!

Curt.

Doomed wrote: »

Yes this is what iam trying to do. damage limitation for what are the innocent victims of my stupidity.

One thing you also should do - quit beating yourself up so much too.

These things happen and like you said below its not for too many sinful reasons (other than fornication i guess, haha). (I kid, i kid..)

nothing sinister in my spending. not addictied to any drugs,gambling or any other bad habits!

most if it comes from when we were doing long distance relationship with travelling costs with easyjet etc. making sure when we where together nothing was ever to get in the way of a good time. since we got married i have travelling costs to get home to see the folks. but its madness.

Given that is the case and you did it to be with her i think she will definately be understanding and realize it was out of love and know that it could have been her otherwise forking out so much so y'all both could be together.

Also have you told friends or family about this? They may be able to give some help to you too and would avoid interest charges, defaults and paperwork like with banks...just an idea.

missworks2jobs

A problem shared......and all that
Doomed - my husband did a very simliar thing - old debts, continuing spending, consolodating unsuccessfully - exactly the same thing, almost the same value but over many different cards. It was only when my finances went "pear shaped" that we came to the situation where we had to face it and own up to how deep in trouble he (we) were in.

Yes, she'll not be happy but i'm sure she'll be furious if you leave it any longer! Once its out in the open you can both talk about what to do for the best. By the sounds of it (separate finances, bank accounts etc and she pays all the bills) she'll probably already suspect your debt is large and/or out of control.

Sever the financial link, close the joint account. Speak to her, speak to one of the debt management help sources. The only problem is.......it doesn't matter how financially seperate you both are...since you're married when doing any kind of debt management plan they will take her earnings & outgoings into account to figure out how much they expect you to pay. They did with me & hubby when we went to see the citizen's advice. In the end I sold the house, paid off all of "my" debts, some of "his" and now we're both paying off the remainder which we're calling "ours". Any future debts and payments will also be "ours". We're stuck with each other "for richer for poorer", although sometimes I could throttle him when he blows our last tenner on something I had my plans on using for a "shoe fund" :0D

Good luck x

Doomed

missworks2jobs wrote: »

A problem shared......and all that
Doomed - my husband did a very simliar thing - old debts, continuing spending, consolodating unsuccessfully - exactly the same thing, almost the same value but over many different cards. It was only when my finances went "pear shaped" that we came to the situation where we had to face it and own up to how deep in trouble he (we) were in.

Yes, she'll not be happy but i'm sure she'll be furious if you leave it any longer! Once its out in the open you can both talk about what to do for the best. By the sounds of it (separate finances, bank accounts etc and she pays all the bills) she'll probably already suspect your debt is large and/or out of control.

Sever the financial link, close the joint account. Speak to her, speak to one of the debt management help sources. The only problem is.......it doesn't matter how financially seperate you both are...since you're married when doing any kind of debt management plan they will take her earnings & outgoings into account to figure out how much they expect you to pay. They did with me & hubby when we went to see the citizen's advice. In the end I sold the house, paid off all of "my" debts, some of "his" and now we're both paying off the remainder which we're calling "ours". Any future debts and payments will also be "ours". We're stuck with each other "for richer for poorer", although sometimes I could throttle him when he blows our last tenner on something I had my plans on using for a "shoe fund" :0D

Good luck x

cheers MW2

you have made me feel a good bit better.

shes a very successful doctor, had the house before me etc. shes a very independent woman and 7yrs my senior. earns more than twice what i do. it was never something we done, ie one pot of money. shes never allowed me to spend a penny of hers as she probably doesnt see it as fair, which i suppose is right enough. so its always you pay this and i pay that. we split the childcare fees 60/40, anything else i just make excuses tbh.

Doomed

Curt. wrote: »

Also have you told friends or family about this? They may be able to give some help to you too and would avoid interest charges, defaults and paperwork like with banks...just an idea.

No i couldnt. to ashamed to tell anyone family or friends and certainly no one i know in a postion to help.

i just keep it all in. even lie to myself that things are ok.