Should we accept it??!

Bufger

I need to give a bit of situation background so here it goes.

Been with OH for 9 years. Bought first house November 2009 which obviously put a big dent in income. Planned wedding for August 2011 with the aim of saving 7-8k for a wedding throughout the year if we were frugal. Had a boring January - baby coming November 2010!

Now we have £2000 saved for the wedding but with the amount of things we need and the fact we will only have one income + maternity we realise we need to tighten our belts a bit and cut down on the plans or put them back. We decided we dont want to put them back so we're trying to get a wedding and honeymoon on £3000 realistically with the honeymoon being the biggest spend (we want a really nice one).

Now heres the moral dilemma. We've been looking at venues for the evening party that hold roughly 100 people and are only £50 for the room + do your own food. This will mean we will have to cut our guest list down as we both have alot of friends/family. Seeing this has upset us my OH's nan has told her she wants to give her some money she has been saving specifically for her so she can have the wedding she wants, this is to the sum of £3000!

Her nan already helped us with a small loan for the house deposit which we paid back within 2 months. Shes a lovely lady but she has 4 kids and 13 grandchildren and she doesnt want anyone else to know. My OH has always bothered with her nan more than anyone else, moreso even than her own daughters but this kind of offer puts us in a weird situation.

I hate to be in anyones pocket but this is a gift. I still would always feel like i owe her massively. I would also feel bad for the rest of the family although they never bother with the nan. My OH doesnt know what to do and gets upset when thinking about it and asks me for advice - i dont want to get involved as it really isnt my decision to make (its not my family and although i love them both i dont think i should be seen to sway any decision which could have major family consequence if found out).

I just want my OH to have the best wedding day. We will have our little boy by then and im perfectly happy if it was just the 3 of us on our own but i know how important it is for her even if she tries to hide it.

Would you take the gift? Would you carry on as planned and have a smaller wedding? Which decision would you regret if any.

Opinions wanted please! Sorry for the long post

Emu53

I think I would thank the nan, but tell her that £3000 was far too generous, but then saying that you say the nan has saved ispecifically for the wedding? could you accept part as a gift and part as a loan? I think maybe you and your oh should go and have a talk with her,

your lucky to have such a lovely lady who wants to help you out xx

bubbles0169

your OH and i are in the same situ, im getting a gift off my grandad, dont know how much but it will probably help our wedding plans alot
weve been together for 10 years and im one of two maybe out of 8 grandchildren that bother with our grandad too
i will accept the gift as i think he wouldnt be very happy if i didnt i think its their way of saying thank you
i think you should accept but maybe a reduced amount as emu said?
we too had children and this made us put our wedding on a back burner until 12 years later(set the date for 2012) as im now in a better paid job so we can start saving for the big day
i think you might regret not having the big shindig if thats what you were planning to do

LEJC

I agree with the previous poster...it is obviously something Nan feels strongly about and wants to make a contribution to but it is a lot of money she is proposing to give.Why not sit down with her and explain that the wedding is really important to everyone and you appreciate the offer but you would prefer a smaller wedding and therefore all the gift is not required...perhaps you could say she makes a contribution to something in particular ie the reception..or the cake..or any particular item...that way she will feel that she is making a valuable contribution and helping you financially...sometimes its really hard to say no in this type of situation as Nan may well have been saving for this and really want to make it a day to remember for you both....if you dont accept in part her offer she may well be offended.

Alyssa_C_2

I have very little to add, the lovely ladies have beaten me to it!
In my experience, she'll be offended if you don't take it but explain that you don't feel you can accept that much from her. She'll prob insist you have it all anyway (if anything like my grandparents, never that much money, but still) as she has saved specifically for you. But if you had the chat, she still insists, then you're fine!

floss2

Maybe you could ask your nana how she envisages your day, and then direct her gift towards that vision? i.e. if she would like to see a church, white rolls royce, big frock, sit-down meal for family & evening party for everyone else, then see if it is feasible.

RainbowDrops

That's very thoughtful & generous of the Nan to offer.

I guess the main consiederation is what "strings" would be attached with the offer.
Eg - would your Nan want a say in the plans, or would there be feelings of unease if other family members found out?

It seems that she genuinely wants to help out and is obviously close to you both. Maybe you could come to a compromises & she gives you some money as a gift by paying for the photographer / food.

Bufger

Thanks all for your comments.

Her nan had one request early on and that was that we considered getting married at this one particular church as all of her family had always been wed there (and all of their relationships are still going). This was what we wanted to do anyway so we agreed. We can get married there just for the cost of whatever donation we wish to make, we were going to make £200 but its come down to £50 and the promise to ourselves that we would donate the remainder when we have it available. I can get really nice cars from work (Jaguar) so thats covered. We've skipped on the wedding breakfast as thats the really pricey bit so we decided to get married in the afternoon and just have an evening party with party food.

With the money we would probably get a bigger venue for the evening and have better food for our guests so we can invite everyone we want.

Personally i would rather she just went on holiday and enjoyed herself but shes not that type of person. She's not very mobile anymore and doesnt ever go out. I know this money isnt from her main savings as i would never accept that. Its money she got from an insurance payout a few years ago that she kept to one side for our wedding and we knew nothing about it until now!

There wouldnt be any strings attached, just that we didnt hold back on the wedding and we got what we wanted. I suppose she would also want an invite too for that price!

I appreciate all of your ideas. I realise we are very lucky to have a family member thats so thoughtful like this but i always see the flip side in the way that the rest of her family dont ever bother with her unless they want something and that if they found out this would cause one massive family upset. I just dont want to be the cause of that!

I think my concience will cope better if we take part of it as a gift and part of it as a loan, i hadnt thought of that but its a good idea.

chelbel1981

I'm in the same boat, my Gran gave us no where near that amount but it was out of her savings.

She gave us £490 towards the church and told me not to tell anyone either she didn't even want me to tell OH but I explained that I couldn't keep it from him because a relationship based on lies is sure to fail. She grabbed my face told me I was her special girl and kissed my forehead.

Stephb1986_2

Awww chel thats dead sweet that, Sadly I have no grandparents left

I agree with other posters you could accept part of it as a gift and the other part as loan. She sounds like a dead sweet lady

Steph xx

Lexxi

I was always told it was rude to accept a gift in any other way than to say 'thank you' but then I was never offered 3 grand! Oh's parents have offered us some as a present and I feel like I should let them see where it is going and like I should discuss it with them but they just want us to have the money, maybe you could price up what you can do with part of the money then you're not having the full amount if you're uncomforatble with it? Or make sure she sees where it is going, so it's not seen as wasted.
However, 3000 is a huge amount to me because of the levels of bills and savings and plans, my OH's parents have paid for their house and have more savings and much less of an outgoing to us so it's not as much of a deal if we offered it out to someone, you know?