Where do I stand?

pennypincher_2

Happily married with a lovely family recently my estranged previous family appeared after a disappearance of over 10 years, apparently to 'let the kids know their father' well the reunion is well and truly over, the kids only make contact to ask for money and the step father has been abusive about me and my current family on facebook. Any advice would really be appreciated as My wish is to keep my current family protected from this awkward situation.From my previous marriage the oldest kids are 19 and 17 both in full time work.

1)am I still liable for child support
2)I'm not coping well myself,bottling up anger/emotions after the 10 year absence where I honestly had no idea where they had gone,I was very easily contactable during this time.
3)after the last torrent of abuse on facebook,my current wife has said that they are not welcome to visit me at our house and she does not want me to use our family money ie for meals out
4)there is no bond between me and the oldest kids,I don't know them,I can't trust them

advice please

DX2

penny/pincher wrote: »

Happily married with a lovely family recently my estranged previous family appeared after a disappearance of over 10 years, apparently to 'let the kids know their father' well the reunion is well and truly over, the kids only make contact to ask for money and the step father has been abusive about me and my current family on facebook. Any advice would really be appreciated as My wish is to keep my current family protected from this awkward situation.From my previous marriage the oldest kids are 19 and 17 both in full time work.

1)am I still liable for child support
2)I'm not coping well myself,bottling up anger/emotions after the 10 year absence where I honestly had no idea where they had gone,I was very easily contactable during this time.
3)after the last torrent of abuse on facebook,my current wife has said that they are not welcome to visit me at our house and she does not want me to use our family money ie for meals out
4)there is no bond between me and the oldest kids,I don't know them,I can't trust them

advice please

If the children are in full time employment and no child benefit is in payment then you are not liable for child support.

Either get rid of your facebook account or set it so step father can't bother you.

Shame you can't bond with your kids, but these things happen.

AnxiousMum

How sad for you that your family didn't let you know where they were and then just show up - obviously with ulterior motives - can't think why else if they're not interested in a relationship. All you can do at this point is let your kids know that you are there, but under your rules ie respect issues etc. They are both working adults, so you should have no financial obligation towards them whatsoever. If you have been abused by the step father on facebook, Keep a screenshot of it (you never know if you might need to refer to it at a later date), but you can block him so that he cannot see what you are doing on facebook, doesn't have access to your friends etc. If your children want to keep in touch via facebook - I would set up a different account for them to catch up with you on - that way, they can only see what you divulge to them, and until you have built the trust, you don't want them having access to any of your personal life that you might be sharing with other family and friends. Enjoy your new family, and to hell with this step father critter.

pennypincher_2

An update, one of the kids has enrolled at college whilst still working, the other is also back at college and out of work now just sponging of anybody thats willing to part with cash. And yes I have stumped up some money from our family money.Being as one is going on 18 the other almost 19, does this change my situation?

As well as the above I have suffered more comments on facebook such as 'you're no-one my step dad is the best dad in the world' , and one of the kids is not responding to any of my texts or calls, I'm just trying to keep the moral high ground by trying to converse, make conversation,make general chit chat like hows it going etc etc, but the only texts I get back are 'I'm skint I need £25 can you give it to me'. Its sort of tearing me apart, I'm trying my best but it seems to no avail. Its got to the point where my mood caused by the situation is affecting my current family.

McKneff

If they are 18 and 19 you should not be stumping up any money to give them for themselves. You are teaching them that if they want moeny, they have to earn it.

if you are liable for maintenance the money should go to the parent for their upkeep.
Dont blame the kids too much, you dont know what crap they have been fed this last 10 years.

Protect your present family by closing your face book account down and try to just get on with your own current life.
I know it will be hard but until such time that the children want to come to you, you cant buy their affection, if they ask
for money, just tell them you have committments and let them get on with it.

pennypincher_2

A friend told me that I should deal with each communication and forget about it until the next, I really do despair - I'm their dad I have feelings. I recently sent a text asking the older one 'hows things?', the response was simply 'i need £50', then about an hour later after I had not responded another text saying 'can you sort it?'

Sometimes I just feel like crying - but I'm a bloke, strong character normally, this has got to me.

SuziQ

Pennypincher, I really sympathise, as my husband has had his youngest son by his first wife call him a f/ing a/hole on facebook, all because of the lies their mother has told them over many years. I am afraid you will have to grow a thick skin about this-they can only hurt you if you let them. I know there are always two sides to any situation but I think it is quite clear that suddenly turning up and being nasty means something is going on with them that is not about you. Concentrate on your new family and try to protect them as much as you can. You will have to hope-as we do-that at some time in the future, the kids will know the truth and be willing to build bridges.

dark_lady

They cant dislike their father that much if they are willing to take his money.

dark_lady

However it sounds like their mother has instilled some bizarre sense of entitlement in them!!

Jowo_2

Did you pay any child support during the decade long estrangement? If not, do you think the children now think its payback time which is fuelling a belated sense of entitlement?

pennypincher_2

No, though maybe foolishly I said to my current wife maybe I should have contacted the CSA myself 10 years ago maybe things would have been different, beating myself up thinking about what could have been.But what effect would doing that have had on my current relationship... Who knows