Advice needed! Church or Civil?

malamay

Hi guys,

We booked our wedding a year ago for this November. The ceremony and reception are to be held in a hotel that we've chosen together, and both really like. However, I'm starting to feel like I need to get married in a church!

I'm not sure if I can put the blame for my indecision on watching wedding programmes on tv, but I'm starting to really think that a church provides the right atmosphere. My fiance isn't at all religious. He was married before, and believes this will make it difficult to be allowed to marry in the church. He has heard from other people that it is possible, but he'd have to convince the vicar the error of his ways, and lie about his beliefs. He's happy to make me happy, but not to be untruthful about his religious (non)beliefs.

Another potential problem is that I've been raised Catholic, and we'd be looking to marry in a C of E church.. Although I'm not a hugely religious person, I do have a very open mind. Religion is quite important in my family; my mum would have been a nun had she not met my dad! Initially she guilted me about not having a church wedding, which was probably why I didn't think twice about booking the lot in the hotel.

There is a small but really pretty church a minute's walk from our venue. Our local is too far away, and out of the question. I'm terrified to approach the vicar, but I'll be really disappointed otherwise.

We're about to get the invitations made, and if we don't make a decision soon there won't be enough time for guests to RSVP.

Can anyone offer me some advice? I'm feeling very lost

RainbowDrops

If your fiance isn't religious, then I can understand him not wanting to get married in Church.
I'm not religious, nor is my fiance, and we would feel hypocritical making our wedding vows to a God neither of us believe in.

I guess you have to way up what is more important - a pretty venue, or making vows that aren't 100% true to you as a couple.

laura2481

I would have liked to have gotten married in church, but my fiance isn't religious and he said he would feel hypocritical gettign married in church as he wouldn't mean what he was saying. Personally, I'd rather have a civil ceremony and he mean what he says.

Also, I'm not sure that the fact that you are catholic and your fiance has been married before wouldn't make it doubly difficult for you to be married. As neither of you attend that church you usually have to be able to proove a link to the church ie parents married there or similar. Maybe you should have a chat with the vicar and see if it is possible? If it isn't then that will answer the question for you...

Mrs_Moore_To_Be

Malamay,

When are you getting married? It may not be possible for you to have this church.

As its not local to you unless you have a link with that parish you would need to 'qualify' to marry there. The only way to do so would be to become a habitual worshipper. To do this you would need to attend church at least twice a month for 6 months.

I wanted to get married in a church (for the right reasons) but OH isnt religious although raised as C of E. Our vicar was very understanding - my OH didnt have to 'lie' about his beliefs he was very open about them and our vicar was fine as I was the one 'qualifying' to marry there (we are marrying in a church outside our parish).

Does this help? Am happy to answer any questions - this is becoming my specialist subject!

fly_dragon_fly

hey

if it was me i would do a civil service ( i'm getting married in a church)

i recently went to a wedding and it was the most boring impersonal thing in the whole world and if i hadn't paid for my church i would change it without a second thought but i cant so i'm not.

but then a church wedding with the right hymns and the right layout can be magical.

this wedding had the vows first with the friends of each party facing the bride and groom whilst the family where behind them and then they had two reading which sounded like one reading by the vicar and then no hymns i switched off and usually i enjoy weddings

malamay

Thank for the advice!

Mrs Moore To Be: We don't have a link with either this church, or ones in our local area. We recently moved from London, and as the wedding is in November, I don't think it'll be possible to become a habitual worshipper. We have a lot of weekends away between now and then, and I'm still called into my London office for work.

My OH is very accommodating, and will get married anywhere. He says that he'll be making his vows to me, so will be okay with a church wedding if it's what I really want. I can't wait to marry him, but sometimes think we should have run off and eloped, as it would have been so much easier!!

sammy_wheeler

my first thought was that i am defintely wanting a church- i think it was more to do with the pictures being taken outside of a church, but we had problems working out which one as we are currently living with H2B's mum, but won't be living in the area when it is time for the wedding.
when i first thought of a civil wedding i imagined a little box room which was ugly and horrid! (i had never been to one before!)
but i absolutely fell in love with our venue and we can either have the wedding outside in a hut or inside in a lovely- depending on the weather on the day.
i can still walk down the aisle, and have my h2b waiting for me at the top
its absolutely perfect

malamay

sammy_wheeler wrote: »

my first thought was that i am defintely wanting a church- i think it was more to do with the pictures being taken outside of a church, but we had problems working out which one as we are currently living with H2B's mum, but won't be living in the area when it is time for the wedding.
when i first thought of a civil wedding i imagined a little box room which was ugly and horrid! (i had never been to one before!)
but i absolutely fell in love with our venue and we can either have the wedding outside in a hut or inside in a lovely- depending on the weather on the day.
i can still walk down the aisle, and have my h2b waiting for me at the top
its absolutely perfect

Ooh, this sounds really nice! Our venue is big and pretty enough on the inside, but we'll have to use the same room for ceremony, breakfast and reception. Not too much of a big deal, as there are gaps for the staff to turn it around.

shellsuit

I would have loved to have got married in a church.

I love our church, but I don't go to mass, so I didn't think it was right.

I don't think it's right for people to get married in a church because of the way it looks, because of the bells and organist, because of the long aisle and because of the great pics that can be captured both inside and in the grounds.

If someone isn't religious and never goes to mass, why would you want to if it wasn't for the reasons above?

That's just my opinion though!

Kildare

I did research into having a CoE Church wedding prior to us decided on a civil ceremony - I'm glad I'm going with the civil now as I did feel hypocritical even though the Reverend was very welcoming. I'm also glad there will be no singing!!!

Check on the CoE's wedding website http://www.yourchurchwedding.org/youre-welcome/you-can-marry-in-a-church.aspx - it will answer most of your questions.
As Mrs. Moore To Be said if you both live outside the parish of the church you wish to marry in, and you have no family links with the parish you do need to attend for 6 months. Also, there are additional issues around being married before.

sweetcarer

My first wedding was an all "white" (didn't wear white as I am very pale) church affair.

When I got remarried (first hubby died when I was 33), I had a civil cermony just ourselves but afterwards we did a handfasting service by the banks of Loch Lomond, with all our family. Neithers are pretty religious.

A little of the meaning of a handfasting -

Now apparently the term "tying the knot" originates from the handfasting and dates back to a time when couples had their hands tied together, with red cord, during a ceremony. Apparently the red cord symoblised desire, vitality, and passion of the love the couple had for each other. (We used a ribbon in our favourite tartan). Couples who are joining together under a handfasting ceremony will often still exchange rings in the same way a couple would during a traditional wedding ceremony, and for the same reasons, as a symbol of their love. We also lit candles for each of the elements. Wrote our own vows, played music we liked in the back ground and at the end we jumped a bessom (brush). It was all quite romantic and in quite a beautiful setting - my family are originally from Loch Lomond. It is a pity the video camera failed that day to record it all - have a few pictures.

Have a lovely wedding hope all your dreams and plans come true

sweetcarer