Massive amount of guilt to live with

swingaloo

HI all, just looking for views on this really.

Was married 20+ years and had one child, a nice house, small mortgage, not much debt and a good job but a lousy alcoholic husband who never worked much all our married life.

To cut a long story short I finaly left him and got myself a grotty flat. Son was 20 and stayed with his dad because of a lot of emotional blackmail. Then I met my current partner. Son spends some time with us and some with his dad and things settle down.

Ex married again and we sold the house and split proceeds. I put my half down on a house and new partner matched me deposit wise.

He already had a loan and because of various problems with his family he borrowed again. I also had a credit card for the first time ever and admit I went a bit mad. Had a brilliant holiday etc.

We then ran into financial difficulties, I was made redundant and we were relying on the redundancy money to get through. New partner is very supportive and works hard but we got deeper and deeper and started to struggle to pay the mortgage until we got to the point where we were almost reposessed. In the mean time ex remarried and son came to live with us and contributed to the household bills.

We decided that the only way to avoid repossesion and having the house taken from us to pay debt was to sell the house and move into rented property. It was a last resort but we could see no way out. We went to the CCCS and they also suggested that we sell the house.

So now we live in rented accomodation, I have a job but its minimum wage and I have struggled to find anything else. Im late 50s so that wont be helping:(
My partner is 10 years younger than me and we have a wonderful relationship. Son gets on great with him as well. My son is just turned 30 and is still with us, hes a lovely bloke but very shy and dosnt make friends easily. I would love him to meet someone special but he dosnt go out much and is very much a loner.

My problem is the guilt that I feel for ending up in such a mess. When I first married and bought a house I thought that was it for life. When my son was born |I thought I would have more children but it was not to be and as time went by I accepted this. Im sad that my son is an only child but thats something I can do nothing about. Had I stayed married I would now be mortgage free and my son would have a house to inherit, as it is there is nothing. I feel I have squandered his inheritence. I cant even afford to retire in the next few years as it takes the 3 of us contributing to afford the rent and household bills.
All I can see ahead of me is work till I drop and leaving my son nothing.

I believe I made the right decision to leave my husband, I couldnt have carried on as we were but I would love to turn the clock back a few years.

angelicmary85

Whilst I've got no constructive advice, I too wish things in my life could have been different...but my life is the way it is and as far as I'm concerned, things will get better!

Is there any kind of social groups/clubs you can help your son get involved with to enable him to make more friends?

Ellie2758

I agree with Mary, wish my life could have been different. Regret some decisions. But you did what you had to do. Does your son want to make friends or is he content the way he is?

*Louise*

It sounds like you have enough problems (money/job-wise) please don't keep adding self imposed guilt on top and making yourself worse.

So you don't have an inheritance to leave - so what? We are all responsible for our own lives. My husband and I will never receive an inheritance from anyone but we're doing just fine without.

I'm sure your son would rather have your love than your money. Encourage him to get out a little more, I'm sure if he was settled you wouldn't be feeling any guilt.


It's true what they say though...you never stop worrying about your children

mountainofdebt

If it makes things better for you, you're giving your son the most important thing now that he will treasure when you're gone - the memory of your love for him

Filey

It all depends hpw you look at it. Is your cup half full or half empty?

Would you really rather be living with your unpleasant and difficult ex husband just so you could be in better financial circumstances. Would you really like not to have experienced the great relationship you have with your present partner. Yes you made some silly mistakes but has the experience taught you anything? Everybody makes mistakes which are only wasted if we don't learn from them. Older and wiser is true.

Right now you feel low about it all but you seem to have the most inportant thing of all which is good family relationships. Don't let your guilt sour your life as it is now. Thinking about what might have been, and if only I'd done/not done whatever, is an energy sapping recipe. Dwell on what's good about it, not on the unsatisfactory parts.

Chakani

My parents worked very hard all their working life, and although never highly paid, they built up a fair bit of savings as well as a mortgage free house. But I do not want their money when they are gone, I want them to do what they want and need with it to have a good life now, and their refusal for many years to do this made me feel guilty and upset.

Now they have altered their mindset, and are carefully enjoying their retirement, and we are all much happier that they are spending their money on what they want and need.

Can you look at it as having spent your money to get what you needed? I'm sure most children (the odd greedy post on here notwithstanding) would rather see their parents happy than be counting the cash when they are gone. And I'm sure that your son would rather see you poor and happy than living a miserable existence.

balletshoes

swingaloo wrote: »

So now we live in rented accomodation, I have a job but its minimum wage and I have struggled to find anything else. Im late 50s so that wont be helping:(
My partner is 10 years younger than me and we have a wonderful relationship. Son gets on great with him as well. My son is just turned 30 and is still with us, hes a lovely bloke but very shy and dosnt make friends easily. I would love him to meet someone special but he dosnt go out much and is very much a loner.

My problem is the guilt that I feel for ending up in such a mess. When I first married and bought a house I thought that was it for life. When my son was born |I thought I would have more children but it was not to be and as time went by I accepted this. Im sad that my son is an only child but thats something I can do nothing about. Had I stayed married I would now be mortgage free and my son would have a house to inherit, as it is there is nothing. I feel I have squandered his inheritence. I cant even afford to retire in the next few years as it takes the 3 of us contributing to afford the rent and household bills.
All I can see ahead of me is work till I drop and leaving my son nothing.

I believe I made the right decision to leave my husband, I couldnt have carried on as we were but I would love to turn the clock back a few years.

You know what - you have nothing to feel guilty about.
We have a mortgage, which probably won't be anywhere near paid off by the time we retire, so my only child won't inherit anything. Did you get a decent inheritance from your parents? I didn't, and wasn't brought up to expect one (that kind of thing was just for posh kids when I was growing up). My daughter is being brought up the same way I was - to believe that she can achieve whatever she wants, as long as she's prepared to work hard to get it.
You are out of an abusive relationship, and in one where you are happy and content. You have a roof over your head, you are a strong family group who are pulling together to pay the bills etc. In this day and age, when too many young men and women show little regard for anyone but themselves, thats an admirable quality in your son - and you've helped shape him into that young man.

Enjoy what you've got, there are far more important things in life than money or investments. You have your health, you have your family, so in the grand scheme of things - you have everything .

RLH33

As others have said you have nothing to feel guilty for. You made the right decisions for you at the time.

Ok so if you did wind the clock back would you have stayed with your ex husband? If you had you may well have got into debt and lost the family house anyway and more importantly your son may well hate you for staying and you would probably hate yourself even more for putting up with such an unhappy marriage. You may be struggling now financially but you are in a happy marriage with a lovely son who will remember that you did your best and loved him.

In some ways this reminds me a bit about someone I know, they have stayed together as it was easier, financially, than being apart but they have not really been that happy, given the choice and the benefit of hindsight I think the woman would have got out years ago and would now be building herself a new life - she may have been skint but she would probably have been happier. She made me laugh the other day as she found a sign saying - 'it is better to have loved and lost than to have to live with a psycho for the rest of your life' - I think it summed everything up perfectly.

jimbms

Don't feel guilty, the main thing is you are with someone you love, you have managed to stave off a lot of bad events. Think about it the other way, had you managed to keep a house then in 20 or so years time when you may need some residential care, the government of the day would have only stolen the house from you to pay for it, at least this way you have a bit more in your pocket and if you do need care then it is payed for by the contributions you have paid all your life and not by a government stealing what you saved for because they have squandered your contributions.

DKLS

Guilt is a destructive emotion, whenever I start to think about feeling guilt I remember the scene from The Devils Advocate:

MILTON: ... "Guilt is like a bag of !!!!ing bricks. All you gotta is set it down... Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway? God? Is that it? God? Well I tell you. Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift and then what does he do? I swear, for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag reel he sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch but don't taste. Taste but don't swallow. And while you're jumping on one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughing his sick !!!!!!! !!! off. He's a tightass. He's a sadist. He's an absentee-landlord! Worship that? Never!"

We make decisions in our lives, we dont know what the right decision is for us, you shouldn't beat yourself up other decisions that you either had little or limited choices.

My mum keeps trying to give me "my inheritance" after 4 years of being retired she is finally coming round to my suggestion of blowing the money on herself, its isnt my money and tbh I dont want a penny, I would rather make my own money.