Telling the OH

scaredwitless_3

Those of you who read my initial post will know that my OH does not have any idea about the size of our debts - he would probaby guess at around the £20k mark - I 'look after' all the money. Mine are £37 his £15k approx. We have never missed any repayments etc but things have now got as tight as they could be. Have made my initial call to CCCS who told me that as hubby does not know they cannot help re our TOTAL debt only mine - which I accept - but what would have happened if I had lied?

Part of me wants to tell him so we can face the situation together but the other part of me is scared to - he'll be sOOO angry, he will blame me- part of which I accept. I suppose he can't make me feel any worse than I do- the guilt (we also have 2 girls), shame, feeling of failure.

I know I should tell him. I was thinking of handing him a letter to read while I took the girls to my mums and then facing him when I got back - a cowards way?

Jesscat

Tell him, you'll feel better because you'll not have the added pressure of hiding things from him and he's obviously not whiter than white as he's got debts of his own!

Once its out in the open you can both think about how you can deal with it and its got to be easier if your both saving

Hope it works out xx

homersimpson_3

cccs is a charity offering a free service- if you went to a debt management co this service may well cost you thousands so effectively by using cccs you are getting potentially thousands of pounds in work. read the previous threads. lying to banks, credit card companies and cccs could get you into very serious trouble- fraud is a very serious offence carrying a prison sentence. what you considered may be illegal and certainly unethical wherever you draw the line. why would you even consider hurting cccs- when all it wants to do is help you?
question of telling oh has been raised on numerous occasions. does oh think he has 15k of debt and yours is only 5k or having you been doing things in his name and not telling him? haven't read the inital post so don't know background.

Mrs_Optimist

The first that my dad knew about the debts my mum had run up when we were younger (and that we were being reposessed because she hadn't paid the mortgage for months) was when he came home from work one evening and found a note saying she had left him, taken the kids (us) to live with my nan and the extent of the debts and how serius the situation had become. He immediately came round to find us and they worked it out. The house was still reposessed but he figured that having his family was more important than being angry about the debts that had accrued. That was 20 years ago and he still has that note to this day (and they are still together although my mum is still hopeless with money!) Tell your husband, he will find out eventually and tackle the finances together - thats what marriage is all about!

Good luck.

scaredwitless_3

You guessed right - I've been 'shuffling & repaying' others in his name - I know, I know. All the more reason I should say something but all the more reason I am so scared to.

scaredwitless_3

Thank you Mrs O - what a lovely story. I hope that happens to me. I'm thinking of telling him a few days before my CCCS interview then at least he won't have as long to mull without a plan being put in place.

awaytogoyet

I can so identify with your post, Scaredwitless. My OH has no idea either - the main reason is because he's been very ill and I don't want him worrying about anything, as it could be detrimental to his health.
But, it's one hell of a burden to carry on your own and if your OH is in good health and of working age, I think I might risk the short term anger, for the longer-term benefits of peace-of-mind and being able to make the 'journey' together. If you can both save and work harder for extra income, together, it'll be so much easier.
Only you can really tell what his reaction might be, but unless it's likely to be catastrophic i.e. splitting up - I think I'd risk it.
I don't know the detail of your story, but the other thing to bear in mind is it isn't just 'your fault'! Very few people deliberately get themselevs into debt -
you will probably have reached this situation as a result of a series of events, decisions and circumstances, which you embarked upon together. It is a joint responsibility, therefore, which you should solve together, in the best way for you.
Whatever you decide - lots of luck and stay with us on it x

Jamz

scaredwitless wrote:

You guessed right - I've been 'shuffling & repaying' others in his name - I know, I know. All the more reason I should say something but all the more reason I am so scared to.

What kind of relationship could you have if you have to keep lying to him like this?

I would find it hard to trust my partner again if she lied like that to me

awaytogoyet

scaredwitless wrote:

Thank you Mrs O - what a lovely story. I hope that happens to me. I'm thinking of telling him a few days before my CCCS interview then at least he won't have as long to mull without a plan being put in place.

That's a good idea, Scaredwitless. Infact, if when you tell him, you have got a plan in mind about how to resolve it, that may be a much more constructive approach.
I think if you just tell someone 'out of the blue' & leave it at that - in the shock of the moment, they'll probably be consumed by total panic about what to do & unable to think clearly. If you can present a clear 'plan of action' about how it can be resolved, simultaneously, it will probably have a much better outcome.

keza123_2

Hi Scaredwitless.

I know exactly how you feel but please please TELL HIM. You will feel the burden lift immensely. I kept things from my other half even though all our debts are joint, kept telling him we were managing and in reality I was robbing Peter to pay Paul. When I eventually told him the real extent of our mess it felt so much better. Yes we are still in debt but honestly to be able to share it is just such a relief. Get yourself sorted with CCCS and you will feel a hold load better. I'm not saying its going to be easy, we had arguments galore for a few days, he was more hurt that I had kept it from him, but I wasn't so stressed (I used to hide the mail and alsorts to keep it from him). There is no use in hiding it. Just for the record, our debt is a hold load higher than yours but we have gone down the route of IVA because it was that or bankruptcy, we also have two small children.

The main thing is that you have recognised the situation,don't let it get more out of hand.

Keza

scaredwitless_3

Thankyou for your replies. I would like to hope that our relationship is strong enough to stand this.