How do I hold it together?

bertiebots

please delete.sorry i dont know how

DigitalJedi

Hi Bertie

It's getting late but I didn't want to read & run. I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.

Firstly you are doing the right thing. Go & see the benefits adviser and find out what you can/cannot claim. In the short term whilst your husband lives in the same house then you cannot claim anything. Only once he moves out. From there on, its essentially Income Support, Council Tax Benefit & Tax credits. If you are renting then you will also be entitled to Housing Benefits. Otherwise this could be a right messy area.

Financially you may find its better if you moved out rather than him if you can find somewhere to rent. Your adviser will be able to guide you better as it depends on a lot of things, for example area.

Sooner or later you will have to face splitting up any savings and I'd advise you right now if you have joint savings to make sure he doesn't transfer the money away. Take half if you must. Over the next few months, you will see another side of your husband as he lashes out at the injustice he feels. He will not understand what you are going through and will feel it is unfair he has to seemingly pay for everything. Don't worry though. If he's a reasonable person, he will calm down and in time things will return to normal.

Any joint debts or assets will need to be split and sorted out. If you are not renting and have a mortgage, think about how much equity if any is in the house and how much you would like of that. The starting premise of any divorce is 50-50, given the length of your marriage that is especially true. Depending on his earnings, your potential earnings etc. you may find you get more than 50%. Not to mention any portion of his pension. But this can all be sorted in the future.

Right now the priority is to organise an orderly exit for one of you. As much as you will want to stay in the house to provide continuity for the kids, don't discount moving out. There's little point in staying in a house you cannot afford only for reality to kick you one day and you are left with nothing. Better to make the hard choices now, the kids lives will be disrupted no matter what so one more thing is not going to break them.

Lastly hang in there. This is the hard part and to be blunt it will get worse before it gets better. In time you will get better and things will settle down. I've been through similar a couple of times and still smiling! A friend of mine recently split from her husband of 20 years. She's way happier now. There are so many couples who split now that you really should not think of yourself as a failure. If your area is anything like mine, a nuclear family is the exception rather than the norm!