NOTICE TO NEWCOMERS - Part 7 !!!!!!!

BorassicLint

Evening All,

Just about still got my eyes open after a 400 mile round trip today:eek: hope you have all had a good day.

3Dogs & Mr 3Dogs - not long to go now I can't imagine how excited you must be, can't wait to hear all about it (not that I'm wishing your holiday away or anything)

handyman123 wrote: »

Look I just want to get the story straight. Handy isn't a peeker. I just popped in to give fred a bump. Someone had turned the lights off, there was just a candle burning in the corner. When I eventually found the light switch I nearly jumped out of my skin, cos there you were up to your neck in Eau De Vie, bubbles and glass of rose in hand.
The gentleman that I am I averted my eyes:rotfl::D:D:rotfl: and passed you a towel.
I've already had Erme answering the door sans skirt this week.
I will be getting a bad reputation at this rate.

I'm of for a shower in a minute, and I'm making sure the doors locked:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Cheers all back in a minute.

handyman123 wrote: »

I'm out of the shower now
Come on own up who was rattling the bathroom door handle. It would not have been a pretty sight.:eek:

Had a call from my Mums home today, apparently she thought she would cheer the old blokes up by doing a streak around the sitting room.
Buck naked and off she went.:eek::eek::eek:

One old chap turned to his mate, Was that Daisy Handy he said, his chum said I think it was, waht was she wearing!
I'm not sure said the first guy, but whatever it was, it wants Bl@@dy ironing! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Cheers all.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Handy - you are something else you are and back on form I see:T:T I think it was fred turning the door knob as he wanted to see who it was that was trying to bump him in the dark:rotfl::rotfl: Here's a bunch of flowers for Mrs H, hope she likes them (hope the picture comes out:o or I will look cheap)

Numpty_Monkey wrote: »

I weas a bit busy earlier, I got a reply from:money:
about my gas bill;)
It might be used in a news story:shhh:

Yeah numpty the tv star - go numpty, go numpty go numpty

Allie - Good luck in your interview tomorrow - hope it all goes well.

Numpty_Monkey

BorassicLint wrote: »

Evening All,

Just about still got my eyes open after a 400 mile round trip today:eek: hope you have all had a good day.

You can turn left off a roundabout:p:rotfl:

handyman123_2

swanfan02 wrote: »

Now off to get beaten up for 40 quid......by an osteopath.:rotfl:

Hi Swany, I used to know a psychopath and a [STRIKE]physioterrorist [/STRIKE]physiotherapist who would have done you over for a tener:eek:
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Its amazing what you can get on the NHS (not) these days.:)

3Dogs wrote: »

Well they were fine when thawed out cos hubbie just ate them - I very nearly succumbed but resisted :A Mr 3Dogs was very kind and ate them all to save them tempting me (just like you Numpty :A)

Now we know why Mr 3Dogs was at the dentists! I bet he has two sugars in his tea as well:rotfl::rotfl:

For all the slimmers and fitness fans out there, I heard a story today about a sex aid for joggers. It's like an inverted pair of braces, it straps to your ankles, goes up over your shoulders and then fastens to the dangly bits. Then you go out jogging.:rotfl:
Next time you see a jogger out on the road or on the treadmill at the gym, bent over clutching his chest. It's OK he's not having a cardiac arrest, He's enjoying himself. Just shout away you go you randy old booger and he will understand.:rotfl:

Cheers all back in a short while, handy.

Numpty_Monkey

Why would I want braces on my belly:rotfl:

handyman123_2

Hi all can you remember Handy telling you about his time on the Northern Cub Circuit, and also about his Hypnotist mate who helped him (not stop smoking by making me cluck like a chicken each time I was offered a fag.:rotfl:

Well one time my agent booked me to do a gig at a club at Seacroft in Leeds.
Big club, with an artist’s dressing room down 6 flights of stairs into the basement. I always said if there was Nuclear Holocaust that’s where I would hide, it was like a fallout shelter.

When I got there, this old chap on the door said “if your not a member you’ll have to sign in mate”. I told him its OK I’m Happy Harry Handy the turn for tonight. “He dropped down behind hid counter and asked you’re not a Hypnotist are you?” He had his hands covering his eyes and wouldn’t look at me. No I said I’m a Comic, few jokes, maybe a song or 2 but that’s it.
“That’s all right then”, “you want the concert sec he’s in the lounge”.

Puzzled off I went to look for the Concert Secretary. I found him in his box by the stage, introduced myself and was greeted by the same question, “are you a Hypnotist?”. Like the chap before him, he put his hands to face and wouldn’t look me in the eyes.

I gave him the same reply as before, I’m Happy Harry Handy the turn for tonight. I’m a Comic, few jokes, maybe a song or 2 but that’s it. He told me that that was alright then, showed me where to set up my gear and the Nuclear shelter (Dressing Room). When I was finished I went into the bar to get a beer before starting.

The Club steward was busy with a glass cloth trying to polish the pint mark off of a glass.
I said pint please when you’re ready mate, and before you ask I’m the turn for tonight And I’m not a Blinkin Hypnotist.
The steward dropped to his knees at the back of the bar. I stood on the rail and looked over. What’s this carp about a hypnotist I asked?

“Are you telling the truth your not” he said. Off course I am, I’m a comic or at least I’m trying to be if anyone here will look at me.

“Well” he said getting up from his hiding place, “let me explain”.
“Do you know Martin St James, the world renown Hypnotist?”. Yes I said he turned me into a chicken once ( another handy story).

“we had him here last week” he told me, “in less than ten minutes he had every Man, Women and Child in the club mesmerised”. “There was over 200 of us in the concert room”. We were all doing amazing things, I was a Ballet Dancer”, the concert secretary was a Stripper, and Fred on the door was a Sergeant Major. “All the kids in the club were acting like their parents and the parents were the kids“. “We all knew what we were doing, its just we had to obey we couldn’t help ourselves”. “It was great fun until Martin St James came down off the stage into the middle of the room”. “He’d just got into the centre when he tripped over his Microphone lead”,
“When he said Oh !!!!!!”, We Did”. We were still digging ourselves out on Wednesday.:rotfl:

Hope you like this one.
Numpty the braces would't fit you. Besides you don't go jogging?
Do you?:rotfl:

Cheers mate I liked your reply PMSL:rotfl::rotfl:

BorassicLint

Numpty_Monkey wrote: »

You can turn left off a roundabout:p:rotfl:

Oh my god that's why it took me so long:o:p:p:p:p Thanks numpty - what took me 8 hours today will in future only take me 3 minutes:T

(Don't forget the big roundabout at Hyde Park Corner on your way to Victoria coach station or we might not hear from you next week):p;)

BorassicLint

handyman123 wrote: »

Hi all can you remember Handy telling you about his time on the Northern Cub Circuit, and also about his Hypnotist mate who helped him (not stop smoking by making me cluck like a chicken each time I was offered a fag.:rotfl:

Well one time my agent booked me to do a gig at a club at Seacroft in Leeds.
Big club, with an artist’s dressing room down 6 flights of stairs into the basement. I always said if there was Nuclear Holocaust that’s where I would hide, it was like a fallout shelter.

When I got there, this old chap on the door said “if your not a member you’ll have to sign in mate”. I told him its OK I’m Happy Harry Handy the turn for tonight. “He dropped down behind hid counter and asked you’re not a Hypnotist are you?” He had his hands covering his eyes and wouldn’t look at me. No I said I’m a Comic, few jokes, maybe a song or 2 but that’s it.
“That’s all right then”, “you want the concert sec he’s in the lounge”.

Puzzled off I went to look for the Concert Secretary. I found him in his box by the stage, introduced myself and was greeted by the same question, “are you a Hypnotist?”. Like the chap before him, he put his hands to face and wouldn’t look me in the eyes.

I gave him the same reply as before, I’m Happy Harry Handy the turn for tonight. I’m a Comic, few jokes, maybe a song or 2 but that’s it. He told me that that was alright then, showed me where to set up my gear and the Nuclear shelter (Dressing Room). When I was finished I went into the bar to get a beer before starting.

The Club steward was busy with a glass cloth trying to polish the pint mark off of a glass.
I said pint please when you’re ready mate, and before you ask I’m the turn for tonight And I’m not a Blinkin Hypnotist.
The steward dropped to his knees at the back of the bar. I stood on the rail and looked over. What’s this carp about a hypnotist I asked?

“Are you telling the truth your not” he said. Off course I am, I’m a comic or at least I’m trying to be if anyone here will look at me.

“Well” he said getting up from his hiding place, “let me explain”.
“Do you know Martin St James, the world renown Hypnotist?”. Yes I said he turned me into a chicken once ( another handy story).

“we had him here last week” he told me, “in less than ten minutes he had every Man, Women and Child in the club mesmerised”. “There was over 200 of us in the concert room”. We were all doing amazing things, I was a Ballet Dancer”, the concert secretary was a Stripper, and Fred on the door was a Sergeant Major. “All the kids in the club were acting like their parents and the parents were the kids“. “We all knew what we were doing, its just we had to obey we couldn’t help ourselves”. “It was great fun until Martin St James came down off the stage into the middle of the room”. “He’d just got into the centre when he tripped over his Microphone lead”,
“When he said Oh !!!!!!”, We Did”. We were still digging ourselves out on Wednesday.:rotfl:

Hope you like this one.
Numpty the braces would't fit you. Besides you don't go jogging?
Do you?:rotfl:

Cheers mate I liked your reply PMSL:rotfl::rotfl:

D'ya know wot handy, I'd pay money to go and see you in a club - (no not in soho:D) you should be on the telly. Brilliant you are:T:T:rotfl::rotfl:

handyman123_2

Hey Borrasic, not really my joke, one I pinched from Paul Shane (Hi Di Hi) 20 years ago. I knew them all Bobby Knut, Charlie Brown, Marti Kane, Duggie Brown. I was trying my luck at the same time they were famous. I used to sit at the back of the club's they were in and make notes on beermats. Recycling is all the rage, handy's been doing it with joke's for years.:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Do you want to hear a good true howler.

Some old mates of Lord Hoorays called this evening to pay there respects.
I went onto the terrace to tell Lady H where I had left the car keys.
We started talking about how accident prone Lord H was. She said Handy you should write a book about your life here at Hooray Hall and all of Lord H's exploits. I nearly choked. It's just yesterday she asked if I could get her some financial advice from that Martin Lewis thingy that your always on about.

I'm going to have to crash her laptop again just incase she remembers how to turn it on.:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Warmest regards, Handy the peeper!:eek:

Tixy

Sorry pink again

BorassicLint

Ok folks, that's me done in for today (am going to have a bath but don't want Handy to hear me, gonna put me chewing gum in the keyhole;)) sweet dreams. Going away to Hampshire for the weekend tomorrow so won't be back 'til mon or tues - and I bet I'll have so much to catch up on!!

3Dogs & Mr 3Dogs - Have the greatest time on your holiday, don't forget if they've got Wi-fi you can always log on and see how we're doing or give us a bump! (as if;)) ENJOY!!

Everyone else have a great weekend and Allie fingers and everything else crossed for you.

TTFN