Complete shock! Please help/ advise!

Bettie

If she didn't want you to know, wouldn't she have destroyed or 'well hidden' the letters "just in case"?

Miss_Poohs

Speaking as the wife of someone who kept huge debts a secret from me - I think you have to confront her, and yes I did the mail thing too, and like you I wasn't proud of myself, but it had to be done.

She's probably not going to be a happy bunny, and you'll both be feeling hurt and confused, but once the problem is out in the open then you can deal with it as a couple.

It's going to be a hard lesson for her to learn, but if you don't discuss things and set ground rules together (we didn't) then she may still be running up debt in years to come with far more serious consequences for you all as a family.

Its all fixable - eventually.

We're 2 yrs down the path of the "big discovery" and yes it gets hairy at times but we took finacial advice and are dealing with things as a couple.

You sound like a fab guy and I hope your new partner is worthy of you.

Good luck.

MissP x

barbiedoll

I must admit, I tend to agree with Bettie on this one, my feeling is that she wanted you to see the letters, otherwise she would have hidden or destroyed them. Opening a letter is not such a huge breach of trust in my opinion, it's not the same as snooping through her handbag or checking her phone for example. You clearly love and care for her so just speak to her and tell her that you know something is very wrong and that you are thinking of the future for all three of you so you want to get things sorted now while there's still time.

As other posters have said, if her debts are at the DCA stage, there's lots you can do to get things sorted out. You are lucky in that you don't need to be financially linked so if her credit rating is damaged, it won't impact on your life too much at the moment anyway. If she has been divorced previously, it's possible that some/all of her debts were something to do with her ex-husband, or it could just be that she was unhappy and spent recklessly to make herself feel better. Or, as she has said to you, she's just crap with money! Clearly, she now realises that she doesn't want to fall into the same trap so, to a degree, she has faced up to her problem. Bite the bullet and tell her, you may be surprised how relieved she will be to get it off her chest.
And don't worry too much about her being pregnant, the stress of hiding this from you is probably far worse than the fear of being "caught out." Good luck and keep us posted, everyone on here will do what we can to help you both.

fatlad9

Maybe she wasn't trying to hide the letters, but just chose to ignore them and pretend they weren't there. If you don't open them you don't need to worry about them (or at least thats the attitude i had).

As for Wescot, I found them quite good to deal with as far as DCA go. They set up affordable repayment plans by DD, and had also accepted a 50% full and final settlement of one debt (although I couldn't raise that money in the end and set up a monthly repayment plan in line with other debts.)

Little_Miss_Uni-Debt

Hi,

I hope your talk goes well today. I know that it's scary to have to rock the boat at such an important time (baby being due soon)

However, would it be possible to gather up the letters - put them on the table. Ask her to come sit down with you and say something like - Honey, it's time we opened these - I know something isn't right.

The last letter of the pile can be the one you opened. You can apologise and say you wanted to help. Hopefully she will be less defensive by the time the truth has come out.

I think if you go straight in with a " I opened one of your letters" you might get a more confrontational response.

Remember it's the debt that's the enemy in all of this, not you for opening the letter. Good luck and come back soon. I'm sure your situation will strike a chord with many others in a similar situation.

DVardysShadow

A few things I would comment on. I would like to link to previous comments, but it is probably too complex.

I think that confronting her is the wrong end of the stick. You need to confess to opening the letter. The fact that you have seen the letter and have not gone off on one will be a terrific advantage in getting her to open up. So don't throw away the advantage by going off on one. Currently it has little bearing on you that she is in debt, if you have no joint financial products [keep it that way], so no big basis to get upset. If needs be, she can go bankrupt.

One of the things to think about is whether the debt arose from the previous relationship or from her own behaviour. You say she is generous - that actually makes her vulnerable to a debt dependant partner, who uses her nature to get finance in her name. And then does a runner. It is a common scenario on these forums. Equally, she could just be in debt on her own account, but frequently a relationship break up leads to one partner ending up with some serious debt.

Anonymousa

OK, so this morning, at about 9.30am, I woke up. She said "you left me last night", and I do that quite often at weekends as I love watching live baseball and it's on at night. I said sorry. She asked what was wrong.

I asked her to put her book down. She did, and I said "you know I love you, don't you?"
She said "yes, but you're scaring me, what's wrong?"
I took a deep breath and said "I know you've got big debts you haven't dealt with".

She looked hurt, mouthed "oh !!!!", and rolled over. She said she was scared of telling me.

I repeated to her that I love her, and that it was our problem.

After a chat, I told her that I wanted everything out today, but that we were going to carry on with our day. She could tell me everything when she likes, but it has to be today, and then we'd look into possible solutions. I went and made her a cup of tea, and let her cry while I cuddled her. She said sorry, and after a while said thank you. I told her I'd done a terrible thing and opened her mail. She didn't care, but said she'd hid most of the mail, so was surprised I found any. I told her that any she hadn't shredded I wanted to see by the end of the day.

I went to poker with my mates (lost £40 but we play once a month and I really enjoy it!); she went to visit her parents.

She said sorry for lying and was surprised at my reaction "I could only see it going one way when you found out, and we'd split up"

She told me she knows how much "roughly" but hasn't told me yet how much it is. I suspect it runs to very significantly over five figures.

I've told her I will leave her if she lies about it again. I mean it as well. But I love her and if she trusts me, we will get through it.

I have said we start dealing with it this week; that it's her debt so she will make phone calls and go to appointments or whatever, but that of course WE will pay it off. She told me it's a relief that someone else knows, because nobody else does.

I'm back from poker, and I've sent her a couple of texts during the day telling her I love her and she seems ok, which is very important to me. I'm waiting for her to get back. I will show her this thread after we've had a chat and I/ we will post later to ask for more advice.

For what it's worth, I'm not a newbie, but I don't want to link my previous id to this problem.

Cheers.

Anonymousa

Sarsie wrote: »

You seem to be suggesting that my house could be at risk at some point, whereas someone else says it can't be!
No I'm saying nothing is at risk now that needs you to panic, I was trying to reassure you a bit because you seem very scared.

And I don't have any secrets.
I never thought you did.

Nevermind, anything I say is not sounding to you like it sounded to me, so look here's a summary of exactly what I've been trying to say. I'm gonna stop trying ok, coz the last thing I want is this cross wires stuff.

1. You've got to talk to her asap- it's the only way.
2. Nothing that you are frightened of is gonna happen coz there's stuff you can do, so don't stress unneccassarily.
3. When you know more of the story post it, we'll take it from there.

Please don't take my questions the wrong way. I really appreciate your help!

dorisday

thanks for letting us know what has happened so far. You come over as a very sensible gentleman, and Im sure you are no pushover. This woman is very lucky to have you on her side. Just stick by what you say, you also want to know why this debt is there as it can all happen again if its a problem where someone cant handle money well, and money problems are the major cause of relationship breakups. But im sure you know what to do now the shock is over:eek:

Again my best wishes.

Cloudy456

Just dropping in to say you sound like an amazing guy and she's very lucky to have someone so supportive and understanding! Hope you get it all worked out together and it brings you closer together for doing so. I'm guessing she is feeling embarrassed and ashamed right now, but no doubt she will sleep better tonight than she has in a long time, and that can only be a good thing for your unborn child! Best wishes to you both.