Complete shock! Please help/ advise!

Anonymousa · 6 June 2010 at 2:52AM

I'm using another account. I signed up to MSE for the chat - I never thought I'd be worried about the debt-free wannabe side of it. And then I was reading someone's thread, and they were not opening letters. Anyway.

I've been with my OH 11 months (since July last year). She's been pregnant for 8 of them. Not planned, but we're delighted and happy about it. We're both early 30s. In December I bought a house, and though we would have moved in together at some point pretty soon, her pregnancy meant we just went for it. She started maternity leave pretty recently. I've spent most of my savings on the house, and she's transferred everything spare from her wages into my account to contribute to the savings. Though she had none of her own, I was impressed that she had no credit cards.

However, she mentioned little things over the months; not being able to control herself when she had money, spending sprees and so on. One of the things I love about her is she doesn't get hung up over things and is generous with her friends. I didn't think much about this, but I was bothered by her unopened mail that she would not touch from her parents address. None of my business, and not my right to ask about it.

However, some of the mannerisms from someone else's thread got me thinking, and that doubt became bothersome. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep, and I made sure I gave her space and time to tell me if she owed money (I don't want to say why I suspected this, but I really did), but she didn't take advantage of this at any point at all.

Today, at 2.30am, it got too much and in the downstairs cabinet I opened a letter addressed to her. I know I shouldn't have, and I feel guilty as hell right now; sitting here really despising myself for doing so. A real breach of trust, and only a month before our child is born. I would be so upset if she had done that to me!!

It was from Westcot, and it was a demand from a couple of months ago for a credit card for more than several thousand pounds. I don't know if she's contacted them or what, but I'm sure she hasn't paid that.

Now, what do I do? The mortgage and that is in my name, and to be honest they probably don't know she lives here at the moment! I know I have to confront her and admit the terrible thing I have done. I've no idea if this is the only large amount she owes at all. Can the bailiffs just turn up at my house? One of the bills is in her name! I'm lost and confused as to what is under threat.

I am also in a position to help her to pay/ sort out debt, but feel deceived that she hasn't told me. I also know, from reading others' stories, that she will have felt unable to tell me. But I can't give her time, can I? Because the debt will be getting worse by the day??

Advice please? And thanks in advance.

I've edited the title on Sunday night about midnight to try attract even more people who know what they are talking about to comment - the update is on page 3 so no need to reply to this opening post.

Sarsie · 6 June 2010 at 3:07AM

I think right now she'll be feeling intensely worried and frightened about her future and I'd be pretty confident saying that she will be keeping the debt away from you for one reason and one reason alone- she thinks she'll lose you.

I don't read a single note of "run awaaaay" in anything you have written.

But you've got an additional problem too now in that you've breached her trust, and if she still feels like she can't face her debts yet then she may well make that an ven bigger issue than it would already be. Don't underestimate it, if Mr-Sarsie opened one of my letters I don't know if I could bear to be in the same house as him... and I've already fully admitted to my debts!

You need to decide one thing and I'm affraid time isn't on your side, so it's gonna have to be a pretty much straight up decision.

Picture a scene where you don't have her, she lives somewhere else, you have broken up and you see your child at weekends but everything else in your life is the same.
Now picture a scene in which you are together, but you both have to pay back her debts to make that possible. You have your child to raise together, but you may not have the house/car/bank ballance you currently do.

You need to decide before we talk about it any further, how much do you love this woman. Not your kid- her. Do you love her enough to chose her over everything you like about your lifestyle? That little yes/no question there decides how I advise you to go from here.

I want you to know, you can say anything, I'm not going to judge you and I seriously doubt anyone else is either, you're Anon anyway yeah, let's be having the truth please.

woody01 · 6 June 2010 at 3:18AM

Sorry but you have breached each others trust........her moreso!

You may have opened her mail, but she has been living a lie and you are going to have to mop it up. My Mrs did the same, and i hit the roof when i found out. One of those things though.

Anonymousa · 6 June 2010 at 3:21AM

Sarsie wrote: »

I think right now she'll be feeling intensely worried and frightened about her future and I'd be pretty confident saying that she will be keeping the debt away from you for one reason and one reason alone- she thinks she'll lose you.

I don't read a single note of "run awaaaay" in anything you have written.

But you've got an additional problem too now in that you've breached her trust, and if she still feels like she can't face her debts yet then she may well make that an ven bigger issue than it would already be. Don't underestimate it, if Mr-Sarsie opened one of my letters I don't know if I could bear to be in the same house as him... and I've already fully admitted to my debts!

You need to decide one thing and I'm affraid time isn't on your side, so it's gonna have to be a pretty much straight up decision.

Picture a scene where you don't have her, she lives somewhere else, you have broken up and you see your child at weekends but everything else in your life is the same.
Now picture a scene in which you are together, but you both have to pay back her debts to make that possible. You have your child to raise together, but you may not have the house/car/bank ballance you currently do.

You need to decide before we talk about it any further, how much do you love this woman. Not your kid- her. Do you love her enough to chose her over everything you like about your lifestyle? That little yes/no question there decides how I advise you to go from here.

I want you to know, you can say anything, I'm not going to judge you and I seriously doubt anyone else is either, you're Anon anyway yeah, let's be having the truth please.

Holy !!!!. I don't know. I really don't. I have no idea why she never told me, but don't unopened letters indicate that she won't tell herself.

I'm not about to run away though.

Anonymousa · 6 June 2010 at 3:22AM

woody01 wrote: »

Sorry but you have breached each others trust........her moreso!

You may have opened her mail, but she has been living a lie and you are going to have to mop it up. My Mrs did the same, and i hit the roof when i found out. One of those things though.

I don't think there is a degree of breaking trust here. What I did in opening a letter is terrible. Really horrible.

Anonymousa · 6 June 2010 at 3:25AM

OK, I know I'm going to confront her, though I really don't need to cause her stress when she is due to give birth very soon. Oh god. I don't even know if this is the only debt.

Can someone just tell me how Westcot work please?

Sarsie · 6 June 2010 at 3:28AM

There are two paths we can direct you down.

1. We can tell you how to protect yourself from her debts.
2. Or we can tell you how to approach it as a team, but that could mean a taking hit for you.

It's OK, if you need to sleep on it do, but as far as I can tell in order to know where to start guiding you we need to know what path. That has to be your call.

If you can come up with the answer tonight, then tomorrow you and her can start talking, whatever way it's gonna go. I don't want you to have to try to keep this a secret, enough already, I think the best thing we can do for you is to get you to bring it up ASAP.

Anonymousa · 6 June 2010 at 3:31AM

Why can't we do both though? That's a serious question! Because as she has no income surely she could get some agreement to pay off the debt and then I could help her.

Sorry, I should say thanks, and I do mean thanks. I'm just totally, well, shocked.

Moneytroubles_2 · 6 June 2010 at 3:32AM

Hey hun,

Sorry you had to find out about this in this way and I know two wrongs don't make a right or anything, but just thought I'd tell you that I would have done the same!

Sorry I have never heard of Westcot before so unable to help with regards to them, I think when you do speak to your OH as long as you reasure her that you are going to help her through it and support her I think she will understand, sometimes I think people want the help but daren't ask for it but i think she'll feel a great sigh of relief, a problem shared is a problem halved :-)

Good Luck love xxx

Sarsie · 6 June 2010 at 3:33AM

What I mean is what's your priority?

Your lifestyle or your partner?

No judgement Ok, but if your priority is your lifestyle I'm gonna say X If it's your partner I'm gonna say Y.

EDIT:
And I want you to know I and probably everyone here will be trying to keep you your lifestyle and your partner in so far as is possible!

Nargleblast · 6 June 2010 at 3:35AM

Hello Anonymousa and welcome. If you have been lurking round this site for some time then you will know that most people on here will not judge you, but will try and help. Does your OH visit this site? If not, then you could arrange to be on it when she is around and draw her attention to some of the useful hints and tips on some of the forums. You could show her any funny bits you found, and steer her into a discussion about how you both could save money, especially with a new arrival imminent. If she began to read some of the posts, she would see lots of desperate people in financial troubles, and maybe it would help her to have her lightbulb moment. Just an idea to be going on with.