Step familie problems

doelani

I have 3 children of my own the yougest is 16 and three stepkids aged 10-13.

I ahve been with my hubby sice his youngest was 2 and over the years have had a few problems as I think his ex lets them away with things they should not.

13 yo is drinking and it turns out her mum is giving her alco pops at home, I know some people will say that is ok but recently thay had a BBQ and some of her friends stayed over and thye were given alco pops too. these kids were 12-14 yo and were being supplied with alcohol with or without their parents consent. this Stepchild has also been caught smoking on a number of occassions and her mums attitiude now is , "well ahat can I do? " I once looged in to her msn at my house as I set it up for her and I know her password, ok maybe I should not have but she was talking to 16-20 yo and telling them she was 16. She was 12 at the time. also one of them had on his profile as he occupation "pervert". We stopped her useing internet in our house and her mum stopped her for a while but then let her back on. I know she is somtimes online until 1 or 2 am . I have also caught her texting guys til 1am in the morinng and the messages are very sexual. No matter when we ask her about any of this we are informed it is none of our business what she does in her mums house. when she is here her pc turns off at 10 pm, I check her history once a week after catching her on chatrooms and she has to leave her mobile with her dad before going to bed.

12 yo informed us a week ago she is getting a WEBCAM !!!! Well her dad went mad, both her and 13 yo told us thay were safe and we do not know what we are talking about. Well sorry but I do, I used to have one and I remember accepting a message one day by mistake to sind some guy relieving himeself in full view of my kids who were in the room with me, webcam went in the bin.

Their mum has now said she is not getting it, but she will !!!

I am not a ogre, I have had 3 kids one of who was an alcoholic by the time she was 17, we had to ask her to leave home as she was wrecking it and stealing from us. I fould her many time on adult chat sites and she never went to school. Many times I worried for days when she would dissapear and I would hear that bodies would be found and she would appear and not know what I was worried. I was raped and abused from I was 12 yo and see step daughter showing provocative behavure and drinking and I am so worried about her.

they think I am the emeny. hubby keeps saying when they are in their mums he ahs no control over what they do. I disagree. I have already asked to get PC moved out of 13 yo bedroom and my hubby is trying to get time to go do this.

Am I interfearing to much , should I just stand back?

Sorry for going on so much.


From

the wicked step-mother

rchddap1

If I or my partner made 'suggestions' over what should happen in my step-daughter's home (ie, with mother) I would probably get my head chopped off (and other bits as well). How would you feel if the ex started to make demands of you and your house?

Eg, if the ex told you that her kids were allowed to be on the internet chat rooms as much as they wanted and when they wanted. Would you bow to her and say "yes madam of course". What would you do if she told you that she thought that her kids needed new beds at your house and that you needed to go out and buy them?

It doesn't matter if your requests or concerns make sense. At the end of the day they are her kids and not yours. Chances are she will see any such 'comments' as an attack on how she is bringing up her kids. When they are at home with mum she can handle them how she chooses. What you say should happen, or should not happen will be a red flag to a bull.

However, what is acceptable at mum's house is different to what is acceptable at dad's house. Drink is certainly off the menu. And I will not allow anyone to smoke in the house. If the girls did start to smoke I would probably say how daft I think they are, what the possible consequences are and then tell them that if they persist in the habit that they must smoke outside at all times (come rain, snow, hail, thunderstorms etc...)

I can't control mum's house, but I can control mine. However throughout all this both dad and I always agree on the 'rules' before hand....afterall, I'm not their parent, but he is. If they disobey the rules I will warn them, but it will be their dad that tells them off and sorts out what to do next.

Also, don't assume that a 13 yo isn't fully aware of all sorts of sexual practices, jokes etc... My 14 year old step daughter has a discusting mind. But rather than tell her off when it comes up we join in with the jokes and sometimes even manage to make her cringe. Now sex is a non-issue between us all and isn't something 'cool' or 'not allowed'...its simply ordinary and something we can all talk about comfortably.

hobo28

Welcome to the wonderful world of step-parenting. Well, ok not welcome but you know what I mean. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

There's little you can do except express your opinion here and lay down rules whilst the kids are at your house. All your husband can do is speak to their mum and try to get through to her. What else can you do? You can't impose your rules on her house in the same way that you wouldn't appreciate it if his ex tried to implement rules in your home.

You could consider getting something like Zonealarm security suite which allows you to block certain sites like chat sites or adult sites. I use that for my 9yr old at the moment. Maybe your husband could offer it to his ex for her computer too as a compromise?

Unless your husband and his ex can agree and unite, I fear the kids will simply divide and conquer. Unfortunately as step parent, you will get all the hassle but not be able to do anything to fix.

Isn't step parenting fun!?!?!

sarah*a

hobo28 wrote:

Isn't step parenting fun!?!?!

No.....lol


Seriously tho - doelani - I agree with rchddap1 and hobo28. Besides getting your OH to speak to his ex (if he can - I know my OH struggles to speak to his ex as she is more likely to dig her heels than change stuff if he gets involved) there's not much you can do. If anyone tried telling me what to do in my home I would get arsey too.

If you are feeling vindictive (which I wouldn't advise) you could contact the police re: the underage drinking, supplying alchol to a minor - shopkeepers get done for it so why wouldn't a mother? Not sure what the rules are about it being in your own home though so you would need to check it out.

good luck

:cool:

doelani

thanks everyone

I do understand that we cannot control what happens in their other home but we have had instances in the past where their mum has phoned me for advice as to what to do ref smoking and stealing money etc as she knows I went through it all with my oldest. We see a lot more of what she is up to on internet becuase we know how to check, their mum and stepdad just about knwo how to turn internet on. We bought teh pc a few years ago for their mums house as we felt they needed it for school work etc and we pay for their interenet. We control very tightly what happens here but their mum just does not seem to understand the dangers.

As far as the drinking is concerned it just makes me mad taht she can be so irressponsable as to allow a 13yo to drink no matter what it is. I have said nothing about this but my hubby has and she just brushes it aside but I can assure you that once anything serious happens we will eb the first people she will phone. After step-daughter was caught snoking it was me who called police and went to shop about them selling to underage kids, at their mums request. We usually get on ok as as I have 3 teenagers already I have seen it all before. We always agreed that whatever happends in each others house in non of the other parents business but we feel that something as serious as this needs to be addressed. OK maybe she is getting given drink in a controlled enviroment but I know taht when she goes to sleep overs in her friends houses she is running the street til maybe 1am and drinking as her friends parnest are usually out and allow a group off teenagers free run of their home.

I am dreading teh next few years, I went through hell with one teenager, other 2 not much bother so I find myself very luck just hate the thoughts of 3 more. Just think that 6 "KEVINS " I will have had to pout up with by the time I am 50 lol

crazyscientist

If you are feeling vindictive (which I wouldn't advise) you could contact the police re: the underage drinking, supplying alchol to a minor - shopkeepers get done for it so why wouldn't a mother? Not sure what the rules are about it being in your own home though so you would need to check it out.


it not illegal to give kids alcohol in your own home (even 5 yr olds!)

its only illegal for them to buy it til 18.

seven-day-weekend

Really all you can do is set an example in your own home and have rules which are not there to be broken.

You can't make rules for their mum's home (unfortunately).

hankc35

doelani wrote:

I have 3 children of my own the yougest is 16 and three stepkids aged 10-13.

I ahve been with my hubby sice his youngest was 2 and over the years have had a few problems as I think his ex lets them away with things they should not.

13 yo is drinking and it turns out her mum is giving her alco pops at home, I know some people will say that is ok but recently thay had a BBQ and some of her friends stayed over and thye were given alco pops too. these kids were 12-14 yo and were being supplied with alcohol with or without their parents consent. this Stepchild has also been caught smoking on a number of occassions and her mums attitiude now is , "well ahat can I do? " I once looged in to her msn at my house as I set it up for her and I know her password, ok maybe I should not have but she was talking to 16-20 yo and telling them she was 16. She was 12 at the time. also one of them had on his profile as he occupation "pervert". We stopped her useing internet in our house and her mum stopped her for a while but then let her back on. I know she is somtimes online until 1 or 2 am . I have also caught her texting guys til 1am in the morinng and the messages are very sexual. No matter when we ask her about any of this we are informed it is none of our business what she does in her mums house. when she is here her pc turns off at 10 pm, I check her history once a week after catching her on chatrooms and she has to leave her mobile with her dad before going to bed.

12 yo informed us a week ago she is getting a WEBCAM !!!! Well her dad went mad, both her and 13 yo told us thay were safe and we do not know what we are talking about. Well sorry but I do, I used to have one and I remember accepting a message one day by mistake to sind some guy relieving himeself in full view of my kids who were in the room with me, webcam went in the bin.

Their mum has now said she is not getting it, but she will !!!

I am not a ogre, I have had 3 kids one of who was an alcoholic by the time she was 17, we had to ask her to leave home as she was wrecking it and stealing from us. I fould her many time on adult chat sites and she never went to school. Many times I worried for days when she would dissapear and I would hear that bodies would be found and she would appear and not know what I was worried. I was raped and abused from I was 12 yo and see step daughter showing provocative behavure and drinking and I am so worried about her.

they think I am the emeny. hubby keeps saying when they are in their mums he ahs no control over what they do. I disagree. I have already asked to get PC moved out of 13 yo bedroom and my hubby is trying to get time to go do this.

Am I interfearing to much , should I just stand back?

Sorry for going on so much.


From

the wicked step-mother

Hi there, I think your keyboard maybe broken as its not adding the letters to the screen properly? maybe try posting on the tech board for help?

Dumbledore55

Just thought I'd post that problems can also happen the other way round. When my son goes to his Dad and Step-mum's they let him stay up to ridiculous hours. This has caused me problems about my much stricter bed times, being told that I'm mean and 'Its not fair'!

But I've explained to my son that there are different rules in different houses and he now seems to accept that.

I get on very well with my ex and his wife but I wouldn't like to start a row by criticising their parenting skills so I just let it go but whenever the conversation gets round to it drop hints that my son is often over-tired when he gets back from their house.

Its never easy.....but I think you have to choose your battles carefully and only fight the really important ones.

crazyscientist

Dumbledore55 wrote:

Just thought I'd post that problems can also happen the other way round. When my son goes to his Dad and Step-mum's they let him stay up to ridiculous hours. This has caused me problems about my much stricter bed times, being told that I'm mean and 'Its not fair'!

But I've explained to my son that there are different rules in different houses and he now seems to accept that.

I get on very well with my ex and his wife but I wouldn't like to start a row by criticising their parenting skills so I just let it go but whenever the conversation gets round to it drop hints that my son is often over-tired when he gets back from their house.

Its never easy.....but I think you have to choose your battles carefully and only fight the really important ones.

it maybe that Dad feels he wants to ensure he is still 'liked' and loved by your son - and doesnt want to be too strict with him incase he doesnt want to come stay anymore. at least he's only getting 1 or 2 late nights a week so i suppose its not worth the hassle arguing.

Dumbledore55

crazyscientist wrote:

it maybe that Dad feels he wants to ensure he is still 'liked' and loved by your son - and doesnt want to be too strict with him incase he doesnt want to come stay anymore. at least he's only getting 1 or 2 late nights a week so i suppose its not worth the hassle arguing.

You're absolutely right about this, and as they usually have him every other weekend its not too bad but he does come back ratty as Hell on a sunday and I turn into the bad one when i get on to him about his homework.

I get on really well with both of them but in particular my ex can't discipline him and leaves it to his step mum. He wants to be liked but my son is getting to the age where he can see how easy it is to manipulate his dad.

I won't argue though because he does know how to behave and is always a credit to me when I go out or he visits anyone. He knows he can get away with things at his dad's but basically his values are already in place so it hasn't turned him into a horror...............yet!