24 become single mum with mortgage & scared

lambo_3

This is the first time ive written on here as seeing the amazing advice you give to others i was hoping i may be offered some too.

Im 24 and have a 15 month old daughter. Back in January I split from my partner and father to my child who i was in a relationship with for 7 years. Unfortunetly, it was only a week ago he finally moved out of the house so we had to suffer living with each other after a break up for 8 months as we had no other option until now. I felt it was very unhealthy and damaging so now it feels a major relief for both of us to finally feel we are moving on with our lives but at the same time im absoloutly terrified. I have a lot of sorting out to do now and i feel like my heads going to pop off and i dont seem to progress as my little girl is so demanding of my time.

the main thing that is keeping me awake at night is remortgaging so that i am able to buy my ex partner out of the house and so he is able to start again too. This is my situation as follows:

59,000 mortgage, house now worth approx 82,000. I plan to take 95 % of the equity and after fees/early redemption etc. i estimated i would remortage to release £17,000.

Problem 1:

Mt partner and i have joint debt of £20k so the remortage doesnt even reach to that and if i pay the majority of it off with that 17k, my ex will be left with nothing yet i will have the house that we both did so much work on to make nice .. so many people have said dont worry about him, well i do and i will -he is not a bad person, we just fell out of love, i will always care about him and most importantly he is the father of my daughter and i want him to be sorted for her. (we will be jointly sharing the raising of her as he is very hands on dad)

so at the moment he is sleeping at his mums, doesnt even have a bedroom - sleeping on the couch there and has started a business which was a successful business for two years (supposedly) and now
he is only just breaking even (has very little business experience) and not paying himself a wage - i cant see how he is going to able to start again if i pay off the debt and leave him nothing while i get the house (albeit a hefty mortgage to pay on my own wth a part time wage and benefits!)

Problem 2:
I didnt know there was a problem 2 until this evening when i spoke to l & c mortgage helpline who advised me that i wouldnt be offered a deal tht would outway my early redemption charges and save me in the long run ...(dont really get it because it may cost me more to remortgage than savings, but is it always about that if you just want money to pay off debt and regain your freedom? - i wouldnt be getting into more debt if i could budget for the mortgage payments each month)

Anyway, he advised me to go to my current lender (hsbc) and ask them to offer me the remortgage. They told me i would not be a considered for a remortgage as im down as self employed (although i start an employed job in 2 weeks) and have missed a lot payments on my current account ie: recalls on dorect debits (i have missed payments since my ex partner has not had the money to give me to cover them so i have been trying to cover them alone on money). I have to wait 6 months wioth no errors onmy account before i will be reconsidered!

So now im a single mum who wants rid of debt, a house that is my own and unshared with my ex, and an ex that is sorted and in a position to help raise my daughter acceptably. i cant seem to achieve any of these things and dont know what to do first. Please help (ps i know my circumstances are not as bad as some peoples i have read on here ..im just feeling very scared, alone and fragile and have never had to deal with anything like this before)

CAE

I think it is a bit harsh to call the OP an idiot. She is a new poster and could be put off by your response.

Time is late, so cannot help at the moment with the particular problem, just wish you the best of luck.

niceguyed

lambo wrote:

. Please help (ps i know my circumstances are not as bad as some peoples i have read on here ..im just feeling very scared, alone and fragile and have never had to deal with anything like this before)

GG you really are an insensitive phleb :mad: . Would you rather a couple stay together when they have drifted apart, which ultimately would be far more destructive to the development of a child?

GG I'm not sure you sound overly qualified to comment on this post as you sound like the sort of person with few friends, romantic or otherwise. Your other advice also seems rather odd. If the ex partner has no money and is not paying himself how is he supposed to pay rent? It sounds like Lambos credit rating may have took a bashing recently so it may mean sticking where you are and trying to rebuild it before looking at your options again.

i hope things work out for you Lambos

lambo_3

Thanks for your replies. I was rather upset by being referred to as an idiot as i could be considered a lot of things but that i am not. I have made a very considered, well thought out decision based on the wellfare of my daughter, myself and my ex partner. After years of trying to make something work,i feel we have finally made a brave decision which has, in the short term made our situations worse but will have positive outcomes for everybody in the future.

I have come on here for support, not to be made to feel worse. I hope i may yet get some helpful advice rather than judgement

rsykes2000

Gorgeous_George wrote:

How sad for your daughter that you two idiots 'just fell out of love'.

Selling the house and renting may be the better option for both of you but I'm sure there will be lots of great advice coming soon.

Best wishes to you all - but mostly your daughter.

GG

Nice. It's possibly better that they have separated as then the daughter doesn't have any (potential) friction in the house from her mam and dad not getting on. But then you must be some sort of relationship counsellor to have such an in-depth view of human emotions and such a charming way of expressing them.

Anyway lambo, you have my utmost sympathies, I am going through a very similar thing (but without offspring). Don't let comments like those above drive you away from the site, there are many people here that will be able to offer constructive advice.

rchddap1

Have to agree that the comment from GG was certainly not appropriate. The best thing for a child is not necessary for 2 people who have fallen out of love to stay together just for their sake. For neither parent is happy and this rubs off on the happiness of the child. I've seen this from a step parent's point of view...and even then the child agreed that their mum & dad splitting up was the best thing.

Sounds like both mum and dad are grown up enough to make sure that daughter doesn't suffer and will work things out amicably together. I think this is fantastic.

I'm sure the OP is finding it very hard at the moment and I simply wanted to reassure them that things will work themselves out in the end. I can't offer any constructive advice on mortgages / renting or other financial practicalities...but I'm sure people will be along soon to help you.

rossbenn

I am sorry yo hear you find yourself in this awful situation and would dearly love to be in a position to advice but unfortunately I am not qualified to do so.
I would have thought a visit to your local citizens advice bureau might help
to sort out which benefits you and your daughter are entiteled to.
They in turn would recommend a local lawyer who is qualified to advice in these matters. Things are never as bleak as they seem and believe it or not every cloud does have a silver lining. I think you will meet someone who will care for you and your child who deserves the best.

I wish you luck, and by the way dont listen to those who make calous remarks, they are usually ineberated with the exuberance of their own verbosity.

EdInvestor

I can't see you getting anywhere unless at least one of you gets a full time job with a reasonable income.

If he's a hands-on Dad, how about you get the job, and pay him/his mum a bit of money for childcare? Normally,he'd be paying you maintenance, after all.

_s79

Have you vizited the citizens advice to see if you are entitled to any additional support?

missk_ensington

Lambo- Don't worry it can be done! Are you working 16 hours a week to enable you to receive the Working element to tax cred?

Just remember that you can do this without the help of any man, and don't listen to ridiculous comments from Georgeous George- he is stuck in a time warp where men went out with a cleaver and brought home a Wooly Mammoth for the dutiful wife to cook.

I've managed it, but it is hard. Me and my partner split as the purchase of my house was going through. Although the house was always going to be ni my name, he was going to contribute and 'do up' the house and then I would informally give him half the proceeds.

He laughed and said I'd never do it by myself and everyone told me to back out of buying it and just accept a few hundred quid of losses. Now only 4 months on the house is almost renovated, I've made new friends in the area where the house is and I'm really really happy.

It was particularly bad for me because I'd moved 70 miles away from my family to live with my partner, and so by not backing out of the sale I had to stay in that town by myself. I went to the pub by myself, knocked on neighbours doors.... (luckily the pub is only next door!) and now 4 months later I'm going to a wedding in Stoke at weekend with my new friends! Have a whole new life, and 4 months ago I was miserable and stressed and begging doc to give me some prozac!

People under-estimate the determination of a single parent, but trust me you CAN and WILL succeed!

dwsjarcmcd

lambo,
Obviously we don't really know much about the financial situation and whether your income + benefits would allow you to afford the new loan.
Technically, what L & C have said sounds right and given your in a redemtion penalty period, I think you should go along and speak to your lender and explain your position and see whether they can offer you an additional loan for a 'Transfer of Equity', which would be on top of your current loan. Once you are out of the penalty period, then you could consider remortgaging for a better rate.

Best of luck!