How to help??

nicoc

Hi All,

Not sure if this is a good idea or not but after a bit of advice I think.

My husband to be has just found out today that his father has been given 6 months to live as his heart is failing. Obviously everyone is devastated, we kind of knew this was coming but to hear it from a doctor makes it horribly real.

We are due to get married next year, though nothing actually booked yet and I'm wondering if we should bring this forward to this year so his can can watch us get married? Though it's almost June now so how we'd manage it I don't know.

I'm not really sure what to do for the best here, OH is devastated and I know is going to fall apart. His dad means the world to him (he's an only child) and not that it makes it any easier but he's never had anyone close to him die before so I think it's going to knock him for 6.

Added to this is we live 200 miles away so not easy for visiting and we are both out the house over 12 hours a day as it is with work.

Sorry bit of a rant but I don't know what to do for the best and how best to look after him.

He's on his way down there now absolutely beside himself, just feel so helpless.

Any advice would be great though as I've typed this I realise all I can do is listen and love him through this I think. xx

Oldernotwiser

I'd suggest an early and simple wedding; having family with you is more important than all the razzamatazz and FIL probably won't cope with a big occasion.

jackieglasgow

Hugs for you both. My MIL has a terminal illness, and we don't expect her to live longer then another year or so, so I feel your pain. If you can aford to bring the wedding forward, do so. Especially as he is an only child, what a lovely gift to give his father. You don't need to have a big fancy do if you don't want to, and there's loads of help to be had on the wedding board if this is what you both decide you want. Maybe it would be possible for your OH to take some extended time off work to spend with his parents, or shorten his working week temporarily to have more tim to spend with his father, even if it's only one extra long weekend a month? Perhaps a short break away, just the two of them, doing something together, fishing or sailing or something they have in common? Maybe then you could spend some time with your MIL2B reinforcing your relationship, too.

Whatever happens, as a father he will want to know that his son is happy, and as a husband that his wife will be looked after, demonstrate these two things to him, and when he breathes his last breath he will know you are all OK. X

nicoc

Thanks to you both so much, you've brought tears to my eyes.

You're absolutely right on the wedding front, I'm not bothered at all about having a big do and would marry him next week in a big bag, i just want to be his wife.

Good idea on the work front too, there's no reason why he couldn't do this so I'll suggest it to him.

Thanks again xx

Plans_all_plans

That is very sad. I agree that you should suggest bringing the wedding forward.

Just because you haven't got a lot of time, you can still plan a big wedding quickly if you have to (i.e. if you have a lot of family to invite) We have planned our wedding in 5 months and have over 100 coming to it, so it can be done.

If you feel you would prefer a more intimate affair, then go for it. People will understand, particularly given the circumstances.

nicoc

We were always thinking of having something small numbers wise but had talked about going over to Italy to get married in Tuscany and driving down the Amalfi coast for honeymoon. Lovely as that would have been, we can do that any time though, we're going to spend the rest of our lives together so plenty of time later.

Is there anything I can do do you think to help him through this? He'd be the first to admit he has a tendency to let things get to him so my biggest fear is how to know when to let him wallow and when to try and pick him up. Guess you just have to do what feels right at the time.

jackieglasgow

My OH is not a talker. I've just let him know that when he wants to talk, I will listen. Every couple of weeks, I will ask him how he is feeling and if he needs to talk about his mum. Sometimes I need to talk about it and ask him if he will listen. Just be there for him, and let him know you are, and if he does open up, make sure you listen. Same as any other relationship problem. My husband has already lost his father, but that was unexpected, and it took a long time for him to come to terms with it, I just had to be patient, and expect some odd behaviour. Sometimes he just wasn't himself at all. X