Partners Secret Debt

Leannef_2

Can anyone offer some advice as I dont even know where to start with this problem.

My partner has recently confessed to running up £50,000 of debt on 2 credit cards and a loan. we have only lived together for 3 years and he says that he has had it since before we lived together (even though I asked him at the time and her denied having debt).

I would have asked him to leave but we have a 2 year old son so we need to try and work on this together but his payments take up all his wages and will do for the next five years to pay for this debt and I only work part time due to childcare problems.

Please any advice would be great.

RAS

Hi love

You need a copy of his credit records (all three) and to do a Statement of Affairs here.

I would want the copy of the statemtns as well to see what this has been spent on, as unless you address this, the rest is a waste of space.

Do you have any joint accounts?

Miss_Poohs

Hi Leannef - I sooooooo feel for you. Why? Because I've been exactly where you are, so I've some idea how you're feeling.

My husband ran up over £80,000 worth of debt behind my back - and I only found out by accident about 3 weeks after my mum died - not a great year that, to say the least.

I'm sure our circumstances are different, and we all handle things differently, so the answer to your situation may not be the same as mine.

I can only tell you how I handled things.

Firstly I done a fair bit of ranting and raving - screaming and shouting, and so did he. He was mad, embarassed and ashamed about what he'd done, I was just mad - really mad!!!

Our circumstances, we had not long moved house, with a fair bit of equity in our new place, a primary school aged child, my part-time job and his well paid fulltime job (with shifts).

Ultimately - I decided I didn't want to throw away nearly 10yrs of marriage, but there would have to be mega changes.

We didn't have and have never had a joint bank account, although we did have a joint mortgage.

Knowing that he was already getting phone calls I knew things were not getting paid - fortunately I pay the mortgage so I knew we were OK there.

Once he came clean and admitted the size of the debt, I just knew it was too much for us handle alone, so we talked and agreed to take professional advice.

We got intouch with our local councils' welfare rights office and a money adviser came out to the house to see us.

He was great and offered a few solutions, but the best one for us, being that we didn't want to lose out house was a DAS (we're in Scotland).

Yes I did see a solictor too. I wanted to make sure I couldn't be held responsible for all the debt, being that I didn't even know of its existance, which was indeed the case.

Most of my husbands debts were years old - possible from even before we met, and some from a period of redundancy, he just kept borrowing to pay off old debt, and made loads of bad choices.

I found out 2yr past in March there, and he's been in the DAS almost 2yrs now.

It was a horrible, sad, angry time - even now I sometimes get resentful, but we're getting there, slowly.

You need to get some professional advice - FREE professional help, and take it from there.

The personal and emotional side is harder to deal with - you need to deal with that in your own time and as a couple.

Feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

Miss Px

southportguy

wow.... you look after yourself and your little one...decisions now will effect the rest of your life.

powellypowelly

I really feel for you, that's a horrible situation. I definitely agree with some of the other posters, he may have taken a brave pill and told you there's a problem, but you've got to make sure he's told you the full story.

I had a lot of debt when I met my wife, and it's really difficult to know how & when to someone you love that you've got financial problems, but I'm so glad that I did. You're hardly going to tell them on the first date, but it's such a weight off my mind not to have having a dirty little financial secret. I still regard my debt as mine, not ours, and bit by bit I'm getting rid of it.

For other people reading this:

If you've got a lot of debt, and you're getting into a serious relationship (moving in, kids, etc) you owe it to your OH to tell them. If you don't, you're abusing their trust, basically lying.

If you're already past that point, bite the bullet and tell your other half. It'll all come out in the end anyway, you can't hide it forever, and it will get worse the longer you leave it.

toile

well said powellypowelly, that is so true, its so hard to tell the secret but when you do you feel so much stronger.

Good luck with what you decide to do.

Toile

Bloomberg

Leannef wrote: »

Can anyone offer some advice as I dont even know where to start with this problem.

My partner has recently confessed to running up £50,000 of debt on 2 credit cards and a loan. we have only lived together for 3 years and he says that he has had it since before we lived together (even though I asked him at the time and her denied having debt).

I would have asked him to leave but we have a 2 year old son so we need to try and work on this together but his payments take up all his wages and will do for the next five years to pay for this debt and I only work part time due to childcare problems.

Please any advice would be great.

First of all I feel extremely sorry for what has happened to you. It is by no means an easy situation. I do not mean to be judgemental but I hate such dishonesty. The good news as far as I can deduce from your post is that the debt is his unless I am missing something - basically his creditors cannot chase you for the money.

Your main concern should be trust, can you trust a man who lied over something as significant as this?. Basically you are better off without this man.
The debt is not the main problem it is the deceit. All I can say is that if you were my daughter I would be telling you in no uncertain terms to leave, a man should support his partner not be a liability.
In the past I had a partner who was spending the household bill elsewhere money when I trusted her, after this I never felt the same way about her. It was the beginning of the end. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

eyeopener2

I have to agree with the other posters. As someone who hid the truth from my OH I know what a disaster it can become.

Anybody reading this I ask that you tell your partner everything because, believe me, it will be so much worse if you do not.

My OH said that it wasn't the money that upset her it was the fact that I felt ashamed to tell her, I didn't tell her before it became unmanageable, and I hid things from her. As she has said its richer/poorer, better/worse, sickness/death but only if you are open and honest.

I am trying to repair the damage i've caused, whether or not it works time will tell, but I wish to my God that i'd said something long ago.

E2.

Leannef_2

Thank you all for your replies.

Luckily all the debt is in his name. it is just weather I can support him for the next five years whilst all his wages go on the debt.

you are all right it is not the debt that is my main upset it the trust and the feeling that I will always be worrying that he is still doing it or once he has paid it off he will do it again. Now he has told me the problem i want to discuss it and try to find solutions etc. but its like he has drop this big bombshell and now we cant discuss it.

I have never experienced debt like this before so I dont know where to start and we are limited for solutions as he works in a finacial job and if he gets an IVA or made bancrupt he will loose his job which wil make the matter worse.

Miss_Poohs

I remember that feeling well Leanne.

We are over 2yrs down the line and its only now we can discuss the whys and wherefores without a blazing row.

You're so right about the trust - mine has been massively tested by DH. I did and still do question him lots - he used to get really hacked with my "interrogations" but then I had to keep pointing out I had a valid reason for not trusting him.

rolorich

Leannef wrote: »

Can anyone offer some advice as I dont even know where to start with this problem.

My partner has recently confessed to running up £50,000 of debt on 2 credit cards and a loan. we have only lived together for 3 years and he says that he has had it since before we lived together (even though I asked him at the time and her denied having debt).

I would have asked him to leave but we have a 2 year old son so we need to try and work on this together but his payments take up all his wages and will do for the next five years to pay for this debt and I only work part time due to childcare problems.

Please any advice would be great.

I was about to post for the first time re my situation and your post side tracked me. What a shock for you but the good thing is he's come clean to you finally...

My hubby of 10 years has never been good with finances unfortunately so i know how it feels.

He has changed greatly but the trust issue once damaged is difficult to repair. I'm with miss poohs and didn't want to throw away years of a mostly happy marriage. With some people its affairs, others, drink, drugs, gambling.......with money too the trust issue is tested to the limit.

we don't have active useable credit cards now and i keep control of all of our finances (and debt management)- he says he's happier that way - we've been doing this for well over a year now - there have only been a few hiccups but purchases have been minor (and less of them) rather than major extravagancies I would accidentally discover in the past - like the guy in the motorbike shop ringing and leaving a message with me his new bike was ready for collection...........that was news to me!

So my advice is to find the way forward that suits you both. If you've a good relationship try and get through it and make it work if he's prepared to change (telling you was the first most important step) - nobody unfortunately is perfect.........but keep tabs!

And prepare yourself for a few hiccups whilst he changes......