How do I deal with someone trying to ruin our lives?

Sam-Barr

I can't take it much longer I'm gonna end up snapping this silly witches neck!

About 5 years ago I became close to a girl and help her through a rough patch in her life. She has horrendous debt problems and had lost several family members.
I invested so much time and money trying to help her out, giving up family time to be with her, buying her in groceries, taking her on days out....etc.
I made sure she went to see the doctor and made her appointments and picked up her medication when she wouldn't.
Now I feel like it is all being thrown back in my face it sucks.

She began to drag me down with her, she never made any attempts to help herself, delibrately missed appointments and medication, calling and messaging non-stop.... so a few weeks ago I decided to cut all ties. I tried to do it gently and gradually but it was actually worse that breaking up with a partner.
Now it seems she is making it her mission to ruin my life :mad:.

She has, out of nowhere gained all this strength and motivation...
My e-mail is full of spam I am sure she has signed me up to
Same with my house mail and my telephone getting calls from companies, I signed up to TPS but not really helping.
Then last week a rumour started going about our group of friends that I had beat her up and that's why we didn't "hang about" anymore?!?!?!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

C_Mababejive

How did you meet her and what "problems" did she have?

Why did you decide to be the one to help her?

Sounds like you are well rid.

Sam-Barr

It looks like my brother was right when he said I was a doormat
Thought it would be a good idea to help her out, met her through a friend who moved to New Zealand and I just seemed to slip into the void that was created by him immigrating.
As far as I knew, she was struggling to pay back loans from her student days or something but turns out it was serious debt where she had moved from house to house to avoid it.
A lot of the time I would come over to her house and find not a scrap of food in the house and end up spending £50+ filling her cupboards. Could kick myself for it now, but at the time it was impossible to stand by and watch her self-destruct.

There was even one time she admitted to not having a TV licence so I bought her a year's worth to save any trouble and stupidly assumed that once she was back on her feet she'd keep up payments for next years. I've probably just added to her debt now that she's on the TV peoples radar and more likely to get caught.

After having a rough time of it myself growing up and losing close family, I just didn't want to see her hurting.

Oh I'm sorry I'm just warbling on here, I doubt there's much I can do, she's going to have to learn her own lessons.

foxwales

I think this is an excellent lesson of "when you think your helping, your not".

You put so much effort into helping her and trying to get her on track that you failed to see that you were actually building a reliance, a reliance on you to provide for her. Now that the reliance has gone, she is probably feeling lost, confused, emotional and by the sounds of it vengeful because you have withdrawn your support, to which she became reliant upon.

The old saying bares some truth in that "people have to help themselves".

In order to get her to stop, you have two choices, either you talk to her and tell her where you stand or if the behaviour continues, then you will need to document it and report the occurences to the police.

I do appreciate that you tried to do the best by her and to be a good friend, but sometimes we don't realise that the help we provide does more harm than good.

Best of luck in sorting this, I know your not in an easy position.

Sam-Barr

Yes, that sounds like the best and most civil option, I'll make an arrangement to meet with her later this week and try to straighten this out.
Meantime I'll have to go beat up a wall to get all this rage out of me!
It's the strangest feeling to feel so much anger at someone who I once considered my best friend. Oh I just worry it will onyl get worse, as if the calls and letters and rumors are just the tip of the iceberg.

Sam-Barr

Thank you for your comments foxwales, much appreciated.

xmaslolly76

Sam your not the only one who has done it i supported a friend of mine for a couple of years thinking i was helping then i realised i was actually helping her behaviour and that she was never going to get off her backside if i didnt stop so like you i started very slowly backing off she didnt like it at first as i had been her own personal cash point for a while and then things strated getting tricky and rumours started being circulated. Thankfully she came to her senses and did eventually get back on her own two feet we are still friends but i dont bail her out anymore and she knows i wont and she actually sent me a lovely email a couple of months back saying thank you and how she was sorry she hadnt been a better friend. She has moved away now so i only see her once in a while. I hope your friend comes to her senses one day and thanks you for all you have done until then i think you are right to back off and just leave her to it she will eventually dig her self into a big hole and your other friends will realise what she is like.

I have to agree with fox try and talk to her about her behaviour. Personally i would ignore all the spam and carp coming through your door just bin it if she sees she is getting a rise it will encourage her more. Obviously the personal accusations are more serious and this is the point i would try and get across to her if she wont listen then follow fox's advise and diary everything and get the police involved :-)

RAS

Sam-Barr wrote: »

Yes, that sounds like the best and most civil option, I'll make an arrangement to meet with her later this week and try to straighten this out.

I suggest you make sure that you have a friend to witness the meeting or do this in somewhere very public.

Any

I don't think you need to do anything at all to be honest. Especially if she is such a weirdo. I am sure people know that and will take anything she says with a pinch of salt and she will get bored of it soon.

If she is such a weirdo by meeting her you might just aggrevate it again..

busiscoming2

If you feel it is necessary to meet and speak to her then as RAS said do it somewhere public or take someone.

IMO she is just seeking attention from you at the moment, hence the spam and calls etc. Just ignore it, when she sees you are not reacting she will probably give up. Could you not use a different email address for a while and invest in caller display?

She is needy and all you did was help. Walk away.

floss2

I agree in that you have been her enabler - why should she take responsibility for her own life and sort out her bills / food shopping /debts etc when you have been doing it for her?

Why not get your telephone number changed (report it to the Police as harassment & ask for a crime number to give to phone company), change your email address, and keep going along the route to cut her out of your life.