When a Parent emotionally abandons their Teen

PlayingHardball

I hope I can manage to keep this brief. About 3 years ago my DD's father (my ex) met a woman. Almost immediately he started pushing my daughter away, things they used to do together, he no longer had time for as he was spending all his time with the new woman. He eventually became engaged and then married the woman (who I encouraged my DD to get to know, give her a chance, as she was resentful of Dads time now taken away)

I watched my daughters disappointment and loss of 'dad' and the sadness she felt during this period. Then 18 after step-mum enters scene, she was hit with the shock news that her dad was moving away (completely of the blue, no warning given, 2 weeks to go and they were leaving the UK). She took this very hard, and within a couple of months began behaving like someone elses kid. I won't go into the detail, but I was very worried for her and could see she was not herself but at that time I couldn't see the whole picture. Best thing I did for her at that time was take her to my GP who diagnosed depression and set up counselling (I thought the GP was mad at the time) but I did some research later on teen depression and she fit the bill almost exactly! It was shocking to see her behaviour described by professionals in print. It makes me SO angry that her own father put her through all that, he didn't need to and he should have been caring enough to think about her feelings in all his family changes. During the worst period I was constantly worried sick and would slip into her room at night to make sure she was still alive and breathing, I was so worried about suicide, and I know that sounds dramatic, but I was! When he told her he was leaving the UK, he 'promised' her he would see her every 3 weeks, he would either fly back here or she would fly over there for several weekends. That NEVER happened. (Over the next 18 months she saw her dad twice, both times very strained) Thankfully, the counselling lasted about 6 months and she has turned herself around completely, she got rid of bad friends and has a wonderful set of friends now, and is looking forward to college and an interesting career.

So, between all this time many of you know my story about chasing the ex for child support since he moved. I attempted to come to a private agreement with him which failed but he did send direct to DD some money for 4 months (but only after the REMO child support officials got in contact with him) Nothing came of that officials contact and his 'measley offerings' have ceased now that REMO is failing. He made it clear he wouldn't give me anything and that his opinion of me was a bitter and twisted money grabber...his words via email. I am still persuring support and will see what becomes of that. I believe he will eventually be caught. If not, I have lost nothing.

In the meantime, DD stepmother has returned to the UK and the ex returns home each weekends. I found this out in February and in March I completed a variation form (change of circumstances) and hope that the CSA case will reopen (awaiting a tribunal to do so) so that the variation can be successful. He doesn't know this yet because the CSA say they won't contact him because there is a tribunal pending! So the variation sounds like a waste of time, as ex hasn't been notified.

So here is the crunch. 5 weeks ago, DD was out with dad and step-mum. Step-mum confronted DD about her supposed 'attitude' towards her (which DD wasn't aware existed, but admittedly she doesn't like step-mum, mainly because step-mum got off to a bad start by saying horrible things about her siblings in the early days) The situation escalated and DD went to leave, only to be physically grabbed back by step-mum and made to listen, whilst dad supported new wife! I won't go into detail, but poor DD felt under attack and right or wrong, she retaliated with a few home truths...(I won't say what she said to them but when she told me... I was inwardly saying 'horrah', you go girl) she probably needed to get it off her chest!

Now, the ex has told his own daughter she isn't welcome in his home (actually, step-mum said that, but the ex reaffirmed it). Great, eh. She saw him briefly a couple of weeks ago when she showed up with her friend to collect some DVDs only for step mum to answer door, scathingly, with 'what are YOU doing here', then dad to rush in and tell her to get her dvds and go. Her friend was shocked, and very supportive of DD. I personally think he's orchestrated this riff to avoid me 'knowing' too much of his coming and goings. Also, he blatantly doesn't give a s**t.

My DD is so angry at dad, she has sent him a text which he's ignored. She told me yesterday she wakes up almost every morning and can remember vivid dreams of arguing with her dad, getting her 'say' in. But she wakes up, remembers the dream and is angry all over again.

So my question is, has anyone experienced anything similar? How can I help my daughter? I've told her that the argument wasn't her fault, she was pushed into a corner and the person who should have bailed her out didn't (Dad), Can I do anything else to help her with her anger? Her behaviour is very good otherwise, shes a lovely person & I love her to bits, but she's about to sit her GCSEs and I want to support her and help her put this behind her. My partner is a great source of support also, and she has a caring and loving home and stability with us.

Any suggestions guys? And for those that got through this all, thank you

kelloggs36

I can only offer hugs and say that she needs to now step back and not make contact with them - it will only lead to heartache. Leave it some time for the situation to calm down and maybe she can try again when she is emotionally able to cope with potential rejection again. Hopefully he will reflect upon what has happened, but he may not and she needs to try and deal with that. wish her all the best.

Minxy_Bella

Oh that poor child! Please, please give her a big hug from me and have one for yourself!

As a child whose father and step-father rejected her and as a mother who's own children haven't seen their father for five years, I know all too well how emotionally damaging it can be to be abandoned in this way. However, what your ex's new partner has done is unforgivable and it's good that your girl feels rage rather than hopelessness.

Your ex has been a very stupid man and it will be his loss.

If I were your daughter, I would cut off all contact with him and his toxic missus and close the door on them, mentally.

It's him who will miss out on the joys of seeing her grow into a woman and who won't be the one walking her down the aisle. Stuff him and his nasty wife. You and your new partner sound like you're doing a fantastic job - just carry on what you're doing, love.

(((HUGS)))

chriszzz

It always saddens me when the children get hurt and mother instinct wants to go and create merry hell but we have to hold back for the childrens sake.

I feel for your daughter, its a horrible place to be when a parent rejects a child/ren, she maybe angry right now and feeling a bit low but the amazing thing about us mums is that we are so in tune with our children and we have the skills to raise that childs self esteem and make them feel good again about themselves.

I would be aiming to keep her spirits up when she is down dont feed sympathy cos she wont want that, she is not a sorry case, HE IS THE SORRY CASE!!

Playinghardball you will know what to do just trust in your mother instincts and you will do the right thing. I send best wishes to you and your daughter, keep your chin up you have what it takes to raise her spirits.

Chris

AnxiousMum

Can't read and run - my heart really goes out to your daughter in this. It reminds me of my own father when he got together with the woman I refer to as 'the b*tch who married my father'. I was living in Canada at the time, so I was 'allowed' to have a long distance relationship with my father, but my siblings were slowly banished one by one by the new wife. Unfortunately, my father was blinded, somehow saw the bad that his wife said was there. When they came from australia to Canada to visit us - she didn't like me putting in her place - disallowing her badmouthing my mother and siblings in my home - and I became 'one of them' to her. It was during this trip that my father saw her for what she was, they divorced about six months after their return to Australia. It took a while for him to reform his relationships with his kids but he did. He is now with a wonderful wonderful woman who makes him laugh, who ensures that he gets together with family whenever possible, she even chats with my mum on facebook (now that is weird to see them conversing together and joking around) - and it is so much different. It wasn't my dad who cast off his family, it was her, but he didn't stop it from happening either. Your ex sounds pretty much like that - and my younger brother was also very angry. My older two boys weren't cast aside by their dad until he had a baby with his new partner last year - but having not lived with him for the past 14 years, it hasn't been such a big blow to them (and they are a few years older than your daughter).

Have you asked your daughter if she wants to go back to counselling? Sometimes just having that third person in the equation to speak to confidentially can be reassuring to her. You being her mum are of course supposed to be supportive of her, but a counsellor is a totally non biased person, who will let her know her anger is normal, but come up with some coping mechanisms for her to deal with her anger. Being that age as a teenage girl is hard enough without having this on her shoulders as well, and in particular with her GCSE's coming up - she needs to be able to relax and not get angered at something she has no control over at the moment.

Maybe it can get to a point where she can ask the dad out on 'daddy dates' or something - just the two of them out for a few hours together - and no contact with the new wife?

You hear of situations like this and just wish you had a magic wand.......

Big hugs to both of you.

LizzieS_2

All I can say is that your daughter will one day see him for a pathetic creature not worthy of the title "dad". I have lied for my ex (well to spare my childrens feelings really), listened to my children confront him, watched him do f... all to help them, hear him ignore them, a couple of times (should be thousands) confronted him myself, put up with pathetic excuses for the children's sake, & now I am watching him in abandonment (still as pathetic, but he isn't affecting anyone other than himself now). I even spent months trying to encourage contact to resume before giving up.

I can sympathise with the new partner making all the demands - don't be misled by her actions, look at how he was before she came along.

You cannot do much now, other than possibly as already mentioned use counselling again, and just be a ear to hear what your daughter says. She will make her own mind up in her own time.

Blonde_Bint

Playinghardball, I have no experience of this situation, however, on behalf of yourself and your daughter I'm f*kcing furious:mad:. Its beyond my comprehension.

Your DDs step mum doesnt deserve that kin title at all, families fall out, step families is even more of a mine field, them kin stupid pair should have sat in her anger took a look at it and then waded through it. She had every right to let them know how she was feeling, they are to stupid to see that they were better off knowing all these things so they can give her answers. Lack of communication and people treading on eggshells has loads to answer for IMO.

Then the way they have dealt with this is probably no surprise to you is it PHB. (that Roman battalion I keep inside me guts is really rampaging right now:p) grrr.

However, for your DD its not all bad, she has the love and support of you and her step dad there are those out there who dont even have that, so when drowning in the depths of despair perhaps its as well to point out to your DD what she does have, the blessings in her life:) and glide swiftly over the pond life (aka dad n step mum):p (sorry me duck I know I shouldnt but I couldnt resist)

I like to think that we learn valuable lessons for the future from all our experiences (the great and the truly sh*tty) even though it doesnt feel like it at the time and are all the better people from over coming adversity:)

Kimitatsu

PHB - didnt want to read and run here either!

My first thought here was who is supposed to be the adult in that relationship?? Your daughter sounds like she has done just what anyone would do, and possibly going back to counselling may help - to me it sounds like she still has a lot to get off her chest regarding her Dad and the stepmum.

Stepmum sounds like she is really jealous of your daughter, and is trying to poison Dad so that he doesnt see her for the lovely person she is (after all you have brought her up, so she wouldnt want to be seen to be giving you the credit).

The timing is awful, so I would concentrate on GCSE's right now, let her get those out of the way and then look at counselling. Of course given time she may just come to her own decision. My boys are younger than your daughter but we went through something similar, ex's new partner would say nasty things about me, Dad would make comments about how he "pays" for them (a whole £5 a week was the bit he forgot to mention) and the boys would have nightmares the night before they saw him.

It all came to a head when DS1 wanted to tell him something but he wanted me to be there with him, and his Dad acted like a spoilt brat telling him that if he didnt tell him then he wouldnt come in when he dropped him off would just leave. That did it for them and the scales fell away from their eyes; ultimately they cut off all contact, even though they can see him at any time they choose.

Anger wise, we have a punch bag in the garage and they can go out and take their anger out on it any time - no questions asked, but there is always a hug if they need it when they come back in. It is the hardest thing in the world to do because all of us want to protect our children from hurt, but all you can do is be there and answer any questions she has honestly, and hold her when she cries. You have done all of the right things explaining that it is not her fault - just keep telling her that and be there for her. She will process it in her own time, and probably not quickly tbh.

Take care of yourself as well as her

PlayingHardball

Oh my goodness....you are ALL so lovely! It has really touched me that you have taken them time to encourage us, I'll take every suggestion on board.

Kelloggs thank you - good advice about letting things calm down and letting her settle emotionally. I've started doing that by not asking her each morning is she had any bad dreams, and not making an issue of it. Thanks for your support and hug x

Minxy - I agree she should shut the door on him & Mrs Toxic, I think thats likely what she'll do. Thank you for the kind comments about me and partner! and the hugs! We'll keep doing what we're doing, Thanksx

Chriszz - I like what you suggested, not showing sympathy. And you are right about the mother instinct, but I just needed to hear from you lovely Mums to ask for insight and see what you'd do, thank you x

Anxious - Thank you, I'm sorry you went through it, after reading everyones response, it seems pretty common, sadly! Glad things worked out with your Dad, I think my ex is too stubborn to ever admit he was wrong, or see the nastiness in his demon bride! Thank you x


Lizzie - your ex sounds similar to mine, and I too have lied to buffer DD's opinion of dad AND stepmum!, not for his sake but so they would feel secure and loved by him. Pi**es me off now that I bothered! I agree, just being an ear to DD is probably all she wants for the mo, knowing we are there and care! Thanks x

BB - LOL....You say it from the heart! "f**kcing furious"! You're right, step-mum doesn't deserve that title. And also, spot on about communication! When my partner was first on the scene, for various reasons (poison from ex mainly) DD didn't like him, it was horrible as he was/is very special, she was down right mean to him. My older 2 reacted the same, mainly cause dad didn't have anyone and resented me having one and let them know it. It took 6 years of patience from my partner, always clearing the way for me to have enough mum & DD time, never grumbled, always supported me, never raised a voice at DD even when other men would have blown up. The ex's wife could take a lesson from my partner! You are right, it comes down to communication/care - if only the ex and his wife could see the whole picture of how they were pushing the DD away! I guess it wasn't convenient for her to encourage the ex to see how it was affecting DD! She now has run of his 4 bedroom house with her own daughter who is a few months older than my DD, and with no interference from any of his own children! Beggers belief, he must be so stupid and selfish not to see!

Nail on the head again, for DD it isn't really all bad, its actually easier this way then dealing with the regular trauma of the pair of them! Thanks x

Kim - exactly, who is supposed to be the !!!!!!! adult (woops) You are right, I think stepmum is jealous, her own daughter is very fake and plastic-very high maintenance (meow), but really, she is just a chip of the OLD block Punch bag is a great idea, I'd love it for myself too! I'm happy for your boys that they've moved on. My older 2 have done that too and have been telling DD for ages now that "dads an idiot". Thanks for your outlook and support, I agree that I'll concentrate on supporting her through the GCSE's and see how things settle in a couple of months , thanks x

We got her GCSE predicted grades yesterday and they are at least 'C' grades, so very relieved, and we've worked out a study plan for her study schedule and will help her as much as possible. Compared to this time last year, she has really blossomed at school and personally, so I believe she is strong enough to withstand this latest from dad.

She recently was accepted to a very good (but expensive) performing arts school, auditioned only for the experience and very slim hope if accepted, there would be funding, sadly no funding, but great encouragement for her to press on with her dream of musical theatre. She would never have been strong enough to have even auditioned this time last year! When she told her 'dad' about it, he didn't even congratulate her, just said 'we can't afford that!!!' ....and step mum's jaw dropped at the acceptance news but all she could say was 'really!' (as if in shock that DD had talent)

What I'm getting from all of your replies is that she'll be okay with some TLC, but that I'm not to worry or molly-coddle, just let her handle this in her own way but be there for her with cuddles when she needs them.

I told her none of this was her fault, but all of his choosing, that seemed to make her happy. I guess she may have been feeling guilt, I don't know.

Thanks again girls, you're all pretty wonderful!

AnxiousMum

So do you have the punching bag installed yet? I'd be painting a certain face on it
Just thought I'd mention - was discussing uni funding with my son today - mentioned to him about his inheritance and how he should not use that till he enters his medical degree - his comment 'Mum, I'm not going to count on it, Dad has shown he doesn't care about me since his daughter was born'.......I reminded him that this was also his sister, and he said 'no, it's his daughter - he put the line of separation in there by showing who was more important'. I'm so glad he's 18, and otherwise happy.

They do eventually see what's going on, and figure it out for themselves.

Best of luck to your daughter on her GCSE's, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! on her audition! Will she be able to go to the school?

PlayingHardball

AnxiousMum wrote: »

So do you have the punching bag installed yet? I'd be painting a certain face on it

LOL....great thought!

Just thought I'd mention - was discussing uni funding with my son today - mentioned to him about his inheritance and how he should not use that till he enters his medical degree - his comment 'Mum, I'm not going to count on it, Dad has shown he doesn't care about me since his daughter was born'.......I reminded him that this was also his sister, and he said 'no, it's his daughter - he put the line of separation in there by showing who was more important'. I'm so glad he's 18, and otherwise happy.

They do eventually see what's going on, and figure it out for themselves.

Best of luck to your daughter on her GCSE's, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! on her audition! Will she be able to go to the school?

No, she won't go to the school as it is 6k per term! But, she had a meeting with a nearby college today who took a real keen interest in her, she came away feeling really happy and confident, and eager to make sure she gets the necessary GCSE's. The plan is for her to do college for 2 years then re-apply to schools where they have funding available in performing arts, she actually has another audition in a few weeks, but its a long shot, again, going for the experience of it all, which she is told is what you do in this biz. The reason I'm going through the grief of REMO and the CSA/tribunals is to try and get some sort of financial support from 'dad'. Thanks for the great punching bag 'image' suggestion and your support!