Dilemma

jonty1970

just ask for it back. It's yours and you want it.
Don't feel awkward for asking about it. He really should have spoken about it before now, even if just to say "I will pay you back that money soon"

If you are a bit worried about finances and talking about them with him, hold back on the home together and children.

My boyfriend was taken for a ride with a so called "best mate" He lost over a 1000. He never dreamed he would lose it as he trusted his mate 100 %

The friend promised to pay it back,bu moved and changed his number

ellay864

nothing wrong with protecting your cash just cos you're settling down together. My OH had huge debts when we met and I helped him by taking out cards with 0% deals - he couldn't get credit due to current debts and being self employed, non-house owner etc. He's always paid me back the money I've made on the card payments and on occasions when I've left him a lump sum eg to get his car fixed we've worked for him to pay back as well. I earn more than twice the amount he does so I'm happy to pay more, the important thing is that he appreciates the principle of me not being out of pocket due to him as I have two sons to also think about. We've been together over 6 years and getting married next year but he knows I won't just hand over my money without having certain safeguards, more for the boys than me. I kept separate bank accounts in my first marriage and will do the same this time. I suggest you do the same and do discuss finances with him or it could become a bigger problem. Whenever me and OH have had problems I've always felt that the only thing that would split us up would be money and it's only by talking about it and agreeing groundrules we've overcome that

tabskitten

I think that the very fact that it worries you to ask about it makes me question your relationship. There is nothing that I would not talk to my partner about first- if you feel the need to ask a forum something that you should be able to talk to your partner about........

LJM

i would sit down and talk to him about it/ask him about it if you cant ask him about money now what will you do later on down the line if you marry and have kids, you have to talk about money there is no way round it

Kay_Peel

What would you do if you were in his position? I know what I would do.

I would reassure my partner that I would pay it back. I would tell him when I was going to pay him back and I'd start making some repayments as soon as I was able. It would be on my mind because it wasn't my money and I needed to act fairly (and lovingly) towards him.

What I wouldn't do:

I wouldn't forget about it and not mention it ever again. Unless

• there was something badly wrong with my finances and I was trying to hide it and didn't want to discuss it

• I felt entitled to the money because I felt that I had put a disproportionate amount of money into the joint household expenditure - but didn't want to confront the root problem in a straightforward way.

• I was thick, thick-skinned, thoughtless and thought that I could get away with it because my partner was a soft touch and I had no respect for him.

The point is that you shouldn't have to ask for your money back and neither should you be put in the position of worrying about when or whether you'll see your money again. If you are like me, you would be making repayments (if you couldn't manage a lump sum) unless something was up. It sounds to me that the longer you leave it the more your partner will see it as a gift.

Hope you get it sorted.

helena4_2

Thank you all for the replies
Material Girl Yes im very wary in fact scared to ask the extent of debt we may have to live with when married, im comfortable now my own place money left over from wages each month, sometimes I think why am I giving it all up? surely life should get better when you marry? if not for the life long company of your loved one should it not be happy in other areas too?

Im not going to ask for installments because that will take ages and if by that time we marry have kids etc then I wont be working for a while anyway then he may see that as my contribution to the household and not pay me the installments as I wont be bringing in alot of money to the household at that time if that makes sense?!

He needed money to take ex wife to court or rather she keeps taking him to court for supposedly 'hiding' income which she thinks she is entitled to back from when they were married but thats a very long story I wont go into....

I will be honest im scared about future he has spent thousands on court fees etc on CC's he is trying to buy out the ex because she wants to sell the family home they shared 4 yrs ago he asked me to take out a loan of 60,000 and that he would of course pay the monthly costs himself.... thank god it didnt happen

I know it sounds bad but he was desperate for good reasons as the house was being sold for alot less than market value and he wanted to hang on to it for the future

But im very very frugal and thats why im addicted to this site! I only have 1 debit card no credit cards no debt.

Spirit_2

It sounds as if your partner does not have the means to pay you back as they have a number of other debts which they are juggling. I think you knew this when you loaned him the money as you were aware of his financial woes but love him and wanted to help him without broaching the more difficult issue of could he really afford more debt.

You do need to have a conversation about this now, before it goes 'cold'. If you move in will you take a share of the 'equity' in the property you refer to?

Would shared household expenses help make his finances as well as your relationship stronger. Can you do a joint budget for future expenses - so you can 'include' "repayments to helena4". Speak of it as your it the emergency fund/saving for baby/just in case pot.

Good luck

Kay_Peel

Helena - for goodness sake. :eek:

You can see the car-crash before you. You can already sense what kind of a life you will have with this man - debt, lack of money and worry. Is that the sort of marriage you dreamed of when you were a young girl? Is that the sort of poverty trap that you want to bring your children up in?

You have very different attitudes to money. An outsider would say that you were incompatible and remind you that differences over financial management was one of the main contributors to marriage failure, bitterness, disappointment and hopelessness.

Before you go down the marriage route, both of you need to work together and try to resolve these differences and incompatabilities.

Good luck with it.

ellay864

I know where Kay is coming from but it's not always so black & white. Even after becoming a single mum I was pretty OK financially, no debts other than mortgage and credit cards always paid in full. When I met my other half he had MASSIVE debts and an appalling attitude to money. I've been helping him a lot but have always made sure he takes responsibility and we've done various things to reduce the debts. I'd probably hoped/thought I'd meet a guy also with his own place and we'd be OK - I'm 45 and hoped this would the time we'd have less worries. As it is I'm in a lot worse shape but we're getting better even with the scary prospect of son going off to uni and all that entails. And it's true, money isn't everything - there is so much more to our relationship and despite the money thing I'm so happy at having him in my life. BUT we have talked about money, about how he needs to be responsible and I don't feel like I'm carrying him - I did a few years ago and it was on the verge of destroying us and thats why we have now got it sorted. You simply MUST talk, establish how you're going to manage your finances as a couple and not allow yourself to feel you're being taken for a ride