Dilemma

helena4_2

Hi

Just a quick question about my dilemma

I lent my partner $3500 a few months ago the problem is we are planning to settle down together, now do i ask for the money back? or leave it as part of my payment towards the new place and the costs it takes to set up? its not like im planning to walk away from him and if i demand it back it will feel like whats mine is mine and whats yours is yours.

I actually worry about asking for it even though its my money

sorry if this sounds silly but i think about it alot:(

BitterAndTwisted

Upon what basis was the money lent? I take it that the money was lent and not given as a gift.

helena4_2

Yes it was a loan as he asked in the first place but no date set for its return im not sure but think there could be an assumption we are 'sharing' already it as im ready to settle and give up work when I have kids

BitterAndTwisted

Not agreeing on how and when and under what circumstances the loan would be repaid was your first mistake. Even people who are married and have been together for a long time often have their own money. Just because you are in a committed relationship does not mean that every single penny belongs to both unless that's what you've both agreed.

It might be better if you're certain in your own mind what you want to happen to that loan before you broach the subject with your partner. If you ask for it to be prepaid or offset the loan against other expenses it comes out to the same thing. The only thing that's important is that you are both in agreement that it actually was a loan and not a gift.

helena4_2

I agree I should of said something when I lent the money, and yes your right its my money I worked for it, we didnt earn the money together.

katieclampet

It sounds like you want the money back, since it is obviously bothering you. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to broach the subject, and you are probably going to end up getting mad about it.

Pick a quiet time, sit down and discuss it.

katiex

ChrisCobra

If your that bothered the relationship wont work.
You could always deny private time in the sack till he is paid up , how about installments

helena4_2

ChrisCobra wrote: »

If your that bothered the relationship wont work.
You could always deny private time in the sack till he is paid up , how about installments

It will work the only reason im worried is because ive been taken for granted before with money with other people in the past

xmaslolly76

I would just ask casually at first maybe mention the expenses of moving in together and that you will need it. If no offer of repayment is made or he shrugs it off then i would sit down together during a quiet evening and discuss it properly :-)

Person_one

ChrisCobra wrote: »

If your that bothered the relationship wont work.
You could always deny private time in the sack till he is paid up , how about installments

You could say that if the OPs partner is happy to take £3.5k and not even think about giving it back, then that's not a great sign either!

I take it you aren't married? The however you feel about settling down your money isn't truly joint and you're not a bad person for wanting to protect yourself. You never know what can happen. Seemingly the nicest, most honest and trustworthy person can turn out to be a **** and screw you over!

Material_Girl_2

When was the money lent and was it paid to pay of debts? I'm asking because if there is a debt problem with your partner you'd need to get that addressed before you give up work (therefore bringing no money in) and having children (further expense).

Did you Partner not say anything about when this is to be paid back when the money was handed over? I totally understand your misgivings, it's quite a lot of money and it should be paid back to you. I'm not saying he needs to give you the cash immediatley but perhaps monthly payments until the full sum is recovered or a very clear understanding that this is your share for a deposit on a new place.

Perhaps it was not made completely clear to your partner that you'd expect this money back at a certain point in time?

Really, as uncomfortable as it is you need to bring this up with Partner sooner rather than later, so you both know where you stand. He may be embarrassed and mortified to think that you were actually worried about this and offer to repay/sort something out immediately!