Should I go or should I stay?

studentgrant

My partner has been running up credit card debts for over 10 years now, and as you can imagine they are pretty hefty! Having previously agreed that I would control the finances, this has failed and he some how decided that spending £3000.00 on one of them was a good idea! a year on from that and although he seems to have calmed down with the spending, I am becoming increasingy depressed and worried. He has just spent a further £1,500 on non-essentials using a card. He has a good job and pays half his salary or more into repayments. I am at the stage now that I am thinkin of ending the relationship as I can't take it anymore..........

I am a student and due to qualify in January next year.

little_miss_thrifty

Hi and hello. If you both agreed to control finances, why were his credit cards not taken away? (i had this same problem with my husband - don't give up, he is a reformed character now!!) If he has no cards, he can't spend. If you want one, keep it in your name with a limit of say £500 for emergencies (literally emergencies). Can you not take back the most recent items for refund, or sell them on Ebay, Amazon etc?
Don't give up on your relationship...just yet

LMT x

studentgrant

Unfortunately the debt is a five figure sum now (4-5 times more than yours), another point here is trust, I don't feel I can trust him. The other day I notice he had a new gadget, I knew it was brand new, but he denied it and proceeded to lie to me about an amount that had apeared on the bank statement. He is working away at the moment and not contactable, I think this is making my depression worse.

Thank you for your advice. :mad: :eek:

mountainofdebt

in these sort of circumstances as none of us will have to live with the consequences of our advice - if that makes any sense.

Do you have any joint committments - mortgage, children for exampe? Obviously if you do then just splitting up is not going to be as easy as if you didn't.

I think though you perhaps owe it to your partner (you don't say how long you've been together) to have a full and frank conversation about where you see yourselves in say 5, 10 years time. Obviously if you want the same things then you need to have another conversation on how you see yourselves getting there. Perhaps by being honest with him now, may make him realise that he can't spend on the never never and still be where he wants to be in the future.

Although if you want different things then perhaps you alone need to reassess the future of the relationship and take things from there.

studentgrant

No dependants, no joints commitments. both in our early thirties, mortgage in my name and been together fr just over 3 years. We've discussed marriage and having a family, but both cost......He just doesn't seem to see the bigger picture. I wrote him a letter explaining exactly how I felt. We also talked at length and decided we would worked together to see this through.........but he still managed to spend on gadgets........I now have all the credit cards and control of his bank account, this will only last until he comes back and needs the card for something or other.......I just wish he would realise the value and the impact its going to have long term. I also wish the arguments would stop....:think: :mad:

Emmzi

sg,

he'll be a kid about money while you treat him like one; it won't change if he won't take responsibility.

you can't make him change.

if he's paying his half of the bills, ignore what he does. it's tough, but it's his business. meanwhile, you get on with savings for YOUR future and YOUR security.

if you can't stop having money discussions, then seperate. if you can, stay together, if you can let him do as he wishes.

but stop being his mother. it won't make either of you happy.

MinnieSpender

Hi SG

He had a habit when you met him and he's still got it. I spent seven years with a man like this. I did what you're doing - I got an education while he worked. Even though I was on a small grant and supplementing my income with loans and part-time work and he earned a full-time wage, every time a bill came in or the rent needed paying, he was "broke" and I ended up paying. He always paid me back (£5 here, £10 quid there) but the situation never changed. When we finally split up, I found out that he'd been taking money off his parents (and blaming me for never having any money) and running up credit card debts left, right and centre. I had to stay in our house for a couple of months after he moved out and I finally flipped when I had a visit from a bailiff. I rang all his creditors and gave them his new address (cruel? maybe, but I didn't need any more stress from him), although I later heard that he'd done a moonlight flit. Not my problem after that.

I'm not suggesting anything by telling you this. I'm only asking you to be careful. You're building a future for yourself by your own efforts. Don't let him ruin things for you and don't keep bailing him out with your support. You both need to make a considered decision about where your relationship is heading.

Good luck x

saubryn

It sounds like he just hasn't had his 'lightbulb moment' yet, but he is trying?

He is putting a large part of his salary towards his debts, and by the sounds of it his spending is going down? Yes, he is still over-spending on the cards, but if the things he has bought recently are the only things he has overspent on then I think it could still be considered progess?

I don't know your full situation - is the debt going down at all? If it is, then I think it might be worth keeping at it.

I can't comment on the trust or relationship stuff - only you know if you think its worth saving, but if you do decide its worth working on then I think you have to look at the progess that is being made, forgive the lapses, and try to help him 'see the light'.

Just trying to be positive - good luck! I agree don't keep bailing him out, but maybe try to be supportive, and if he really can't live without his gadgets, ask him to maybe point out ones he likes and arrange a thing where every time a certain amount is completely paid off he gets something as a gift - with money that was *saved up*, instead of credit

MCBIRNIE25

Ask for the cards, take some scissors and cut them all up. Tell him it's the only way to save your relationship.
Be honest let him know you are seriously thinking of ending it. Sometimes this short sharp shock therapy is what's needed.

studentgrant

Yeah, I gave him the sharp shock on tuesday, he was in a rage and said he was leaving. He didn't, but the following day during a phone call, I told him that I wasn't going to stop him from walking out and that would have been the end to our relationship. I've yet to see wether this actin has worked as he won't be back for a few weeks due to working away.

:mad: :eek:

lynsayjane

sweetie, i can't really advise you, i don't know you, your other half, or you r relationship. however i do know that if the trust is gone in a relationship there can be no come back. wihtout trust you have nothing, i know, i've been there. i've tried with ex's but it never works right again.

i hate to sound like i'm telling you to be selfish but the mess he gets himself in now is going to affect your future if you stay with him. i guess most importantly you need to ask if your willing to put your dreams on hold to fix a broken man?