What should I do about my sister?

siren13577

I would appreciate some neutral advice about my sister. First I think I should give some background information, firstly there are five of us, four girls and one boy. We were all abused by our dad and our mum basically abandoned us and left us by the time I was four so we all have little to do with our mother and no contact at all with our father after his eventual prison sentence.

In my twenties I told my uncle (my dad's brother) about the abuse and then gave my statement to the police. With the exception of my brother my sisters also made statements and he was charged and sentenced to 11 years. At this time it was agreed that my uncle should move into the old family home and help my younger brother and sister as they were extremely naive and fairly clueless about more or less everything, at this time my brother was 16 and my sister 18. At the time this was the best situation we thought it could be as they were very resistant to us helping them, I think due to listening to my dad who was manipulative and told lies about us and it was going to take a while for this programming to leave them and the only person they would accept was my uncle, it was a win win situation as he lived in a bad area and was being broken into and having his car vandalized frequently. So far, so good.

Fast forward 13 or 14 years and the situation is that my brother has moved on and is living his own life. Now my sister is another thing altogether, she's never worked a day in her life, she's 31. She's never had a relationship and has I feel been indoctrinated by my uncle into someone who can be really unpleasant. She has moments when she is nice and kind, most of the time when she is away from my uncle but I'm the only one who really bothers with her as she has alienated my two other sisters and my brother is absorbed in his own life. I have three children and my husband. I really try with her, bite my tongue most of the time but over the last three years I have really had to try a lot more.

The three years is significant because my nephew died a few days after he was born and there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. I hope this doesn't get too complicated, my oldest sister (M) wanted to get the funeral sorted out asap for obvious reasons and the only options open to her was to have her son buried in a communal grave with four or so other babies or have him buried in our nan's grave to which my uncle (J) held the deeds. After sorting it out with his sisters that this was okay there was then a lot of messing around about rules about what M could put on the grave (we knew my nephew was very sick and would probably not survive the birth but we were lucky enough to have three days with him) and this wrangling went on for months. My nan had died almost 30 years ago at this point.

So instead of a terrible time being as calm as possible there were a lot of trouble about this grave and things that did not seem as important as the fact that this baby had just died.

At the centre of this was my uncle ***t stirring and making a terrible situation worse, and with him was my sister. This created more resentment about her with me, going back a bit, I was the last person except for my brother to leave home as I couldn't stand the hatred from my sister and brother, this was prior to my dad being arrested, a few years before in fact. I was spied upon and shouted at if I came out of my room and eventually couldn't handle it anymore and made myself homeless and slept on floors for a while just to get away, and it's never really left me, especially about my sister (D).

Anyway as expected, even though there was no reason, D sided with J. To cut a long story short, I'm the only one who bothers with her, even though she lies to me, never admits she's wrong, even though I gave into pressure and made her my maid of honour on my wedding day over my sister V who is the person I get on with most in the whole world, even though she screamed at me on my wedding day over some 'missing' money that was on the bedside table in my hotel room, this was in front of the make up lady, I was so embarrassed and she refused to apologise, on that day of all days.

I was speaking to her on Saturday and it had come to what would have been my nephew's third birthday and I was speaking to M about how she was feeling as it was also Easter and she'd arranged an easter egg hunt. She told me someone had removed white gravel that she'd put down on the grave and planted some bedding plants there. This is some petty squabbling that has been going on, D and J would move anything my sister M put on the grave, like my nephew's things on one side and my nan's on the other or ripping up cards and putting fresh flowers in the bin. Edging had been put on the grave with the intention of planting flowers in but my sister M had not been told and had noticed it had been months so M decided to put some gravel down, if she had been told then she wouldn't have put it down but is getting upset that everything for her son keeps getting moved or destroyed and is regretting him being buried there.

So I asked D if she knew what had happened to the stones, she said I have no idea, I said M was upset and she said well it's not her grave, is it? Reading between the lines this seems that she had something to do with it. This has been confirmed after I spoke to V. My sister M had rung up my aunty J and asked her if she knew what had happened to the stones and J confirmed D had removed them, why she is lying to me? Would people put up with this or just give up?

My DH says I shouldn't have anything to do with her, but if I abandon her now, she will have no one, when my uncle dies she will be all alone and I feel it will be too late to mend the bridges. I feel like I am the last person keeping my sister from disappearing completely, I see glimpses of how nice she can be, I know it doesn't sound like it but she can be kind and funny and if I give up, what then? What happens to D? I feel angry when I finish talking to her, what should I do?

Phew sorry for War and Peace but I need some perspective, thanks all.

neneromanova

cor that was a read

I really would leave the sister to her own devices. The fact she is messing with a dead baby's grave, let alone her nans is discusting and would be my one and only reason for leaving her be. What would your nan have said if she knew this was going on? I would state that the reason you cannot be bothered with her is that you feel so discusted by her actions to your nephews grave that you can't ear to look at her. In a couple of months, once she knows she has no one, she may start to see the light.

Has she ever had any councelling?

Any

I know this is going to be hard, but you have to let go.
There are people in this world who do not deserve our attention and you sister D sounds like one of those people.
The way you go now does not only affect you, but also your immediate family and we live just once not to make the most of the best things in life - and keep out the bad ones.

I think you already tried hard enough with your sister, try a little less and see where that goes. If it goes to nowhere then that is the end it was supposed to have...

Fuzzy_Duck

Any wrote: »

I know this is going to be hard, but you have to let go.
There are people in this world who do not deserve our attention and you sister D sounds like one of those people.
The way you go now does not only affect you, but also your immediate family and we live just once not to make the most of the best things in life - and keep out the bad ones.

I think you already tried hard enough with your sister, try a little less and see where that goes. If it goes to nowhere then that is the end it was supposed to have...

This. You sound like a very loving, supportive sister but it seems nothing you do is enough for her. Letting go might give her the kick up the bum she needs to sort her own life out.

I think you owe it to yourself and your family to move on and leave her to her own devices. You have tried after all and she can only help herself at the end of the day.

Bufger

Forget about your sister and your uncle and concentrate on the relationships you have with the other siblings - the healthy relationships.

Get your other sister to plant a tree for her lost son, all be there at the ceremony and use that to pay respects in the future.

Your rubbish sister will eventually realise and want forgiveness, it sounds to me like you're a pushover and will easily fold. Think about being a bit more tough when it comes to family so they dont walk all over you in the future.

Pee

I think give her some time and space without dropping the relationship. Burying your nephew was I am sure difficult for all concerned, but it might have meant your uncle wouldn't be able to go in that grave in due course and I can see a line of thought that your grandmother might prefer her son to an unknown great grandchild. Anyway, that is past and cannot be undone.

You don't trust your sister and you don't like her, and it is making you angry. Give yourself some peace and come back to your relationship with her with a more positive bent. Try to find some things you can do away from your uncle and see if you can enjoy spending time with her. But try to move on from the past.

siren13577

Hi everyone, thank you for replying so quickly, I think a bit of distancing myself would be a good idea and I'll ease off contact for a while.

To Nenoromanova,
Thank you, it was a read and a half, sorry. I think my nan would be very angry at this, I didn't know her unfortunately but all the things my aunts have told me would lead me to believe she was very family orientated and would be cross at the way the family have drifted. I am really cross, I can't understand why she would choose her uncle over her sisters but I think now it's a waiting game and a case of being there when he dies. As far as I know she has had no counselling, it was offered to her, I offered to arrange it for her and sit in with her if she wanted to but she didn't think she needed it.

Any,
I do feel I have spent a lot time trying to bring her out of herself and sometimes I have succeeded but it's one step forward and two steps back and I get so frustrated, part of me knows this energy would be better spent on my children and husband and that they deserve it better than my sister. I think your last sentence is really apt as it's something I try to live by but have left my belief behind in this situation, I guess I should have more faith in what I usually believe.

Bufger,
My husband agrees with you wholeheartedly, he said that he thinks I'm too gentle which I guess is his way of saying I'm a pushover as you said, I do give a bit too much because I think I try to put myself in their shoes and think what would I want, and I wouldn't want people to give up on me but it's best to spend time with people who love me and treat me well. I love the idea of a tree, I will see if M would like me to look into it for her.

Pee,
Thank you as well, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and we were all lost. The grave is a five person plot and my nephew was buried in such a way, sort of to one side and a bit behind the headstone that he didn't take up a space according to the undertakers. I don't trust my sister with my feelings which sounds silly and peace sounds lovely right now, thank you so much for taking the time to answer me, take care

T xx