Another family members relationship goes down the pan..I am sure we are all cursed

brians_daughter

Sorry all, just venting here..i dont really expect a response, but if i dont vent it will end up being said to the wrong person, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons!

In the past 12 months I have had a brother, sister, best mate (who is more than a mate as she lived with me and my parents for 4 years) who have all split from their partners and come to stay with me and my family whilst sorting various things out...Now its the turn of my Mother and Father! And i simply want to bury my head in the sand, or alternatively go on a long holiday where the sun shines and the beer flows :T

As awful as this sounds, i am emotionally drained and cannot give my parents the level of support they both reqire from me.

I am really ill myself and really need to concentrate on getting me well for the sake of MY relationship with my kids and oh (ironically we split about 18 /20 months ago as i was becoming ill, but didnt know i was ill IYKWIM so I was over emotional and unreasonable and a nightmare to live with/be around- yes - i was, i know that and my oh couldnt cope. When we found out WHY i was like this ie a reason - illness then we decided to get through it together).

In the past 12 months my home has been like a hotel. I had my brother staying with me for 3 months whilst he sorted out his assets from his marriage, my sister and her 2 kids staying for 8 weeks whilst she did the same, and my mate stayed for 3 months (but she works nights for the NHS so that was great as she was at work when i was home 4 nights a week and the other 3 nights we enjoyed each others company.

Now my parents have announced they are splitting AGAIN- They actually got divorced after 21 years of marriage about 13 years ago, and got back together about 8 years ago, but never re-married.

Because i have been 'a rock' to the others my Mum expects I am the same with her (god, how bad does that sound, it sounds like i DON'T WANT TO HELP, I DO, but, i feel physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted due to the family events and ill health from the past 18 months). As awful as this sounds, and i know she is suffering, i simply cannot get involved for the sake of my health, my children, and by 'siding' or 'helping' 1 parent it looks like i am neglecting the other!

My Mum has asked can she come and stay with us as Dad has asked her to leave by weekend and due to reasons below she feels she has no claim to stay in the home

When they got divorced they agreed that they would sell the house and both get their own places. What actually happened was my Mum bought a home in France to use as a holiday home and to rent out (and rented in the UK) and my Dad bought a home in the UK, in our home town. When they got back together Dad sold his home, as it was an apartment and bought a house, Mum sold the house in France to pay for the renovation of the house Dad bought (in his sole name) and to treat them to an 8 week holiday of a lifetime whilst the builders did the house.

Now, as they never re-married Mum is under the impression that as the house is in Dads name she has no 'claim' to it and is basically £50,000 down. She is at her wits end with it as she is almost 60 and as it stands doesnt have a pot to pee in, except her pt wage (Dad had a massive (well, several massive) heart attacks so she found a pt job that was less pressure and less money so she could help look after Dad.

So, if this is the case she has asked if she can come and stay with me until she can secure ft work,and can afford to rent somewhere...How can i say no? I cant can I? But i fear it will push me over the edge. She made an appointment with a solicitor but not until next Wednesday so is somewhat in limbo.

Sorry, just re-reading this i realise i am coming accross as a selfish, self-centered git. Please, be assurred i am not (as many of my fellow MSE'ers from here will know)

I feel this time i need to do what is best for ME, MY family,and MY kids. And that is me getting better,with as little stress, interuption and stability as i can. I know that by her staying here it will cause endless issues with my oh, my Dad, my kids. As much as i love my Mum we are polar opposites and can usually spend 2 hours max with eachother before we start getting on eachothers nerves.

How can I help and support her without having her here?

If you have stuck with my post this far, then a massive thanks

Bufger

Call a meeting with your siblings and your friend and discuss it with them. Tell them that because of the support you have shown them you dont think you can cope emotionally and physically 1 more time and then all agree to do it as a team.

Sounds simple doesnt it you need to share this one

brians_daughter

Bufger wrote: »

Call a meeting with your siblings and your friend and discuss it with them. Tell them that because of the support you have shown them you dont think you can cope emotionally and physically 1 more time and then all agree to do it as a team.

Sounds simple doesnt it you need to share this one

Thanks for reading i am amazed someone got to teh end of my waffle, trust me the calls have gone in! My sis has moved 200 mles away so shes a no go really. My bro is going to have to help....despite what his new gf says! Friend is coming over after shes had a sleep this afternoon - she works nights, so not being lazy lol. She seems the only one to actually give a sh*t. As the eldest I seem to always be the one they turn to, god knows why, i hardly live a perfect life!

Bufger

brians_daughter wrote: »

Thanks for reading i am amazed someone got to teh end of my waffle, trust me the calls have gone in! My sis has moved 200 mles away so shes a no go really. My bro is going to have to help....despite what his new gf says! Friend is coming over after shes had a sleep this afternoon - she works nights, so not being lazy lol. She seems the only one to actually give a sh*t. As the eldest I seem to always be the one they turn to, god knows why, i hardly live a perfect life!

Ive always been the emotional support in my family too whilst the rest of them run around recklessly without stopping to think about feelings/consequences and the end result. Its a pain in the backside but at least you have your own life in control - thats something you cant sacrifice even for family.

You can smile at one thing - you at least have one really good friend! See what happens after you talk it through with all of them. Even your sis 200 miles away is an option, i take it your mother doesnt have a profession as such, perhaps a new location will do her some good?

At the meeting write a list of things your mother will need to do ie check if shes contributed enough for a state pention. Check if she can be considered homeless and get housing. Check whether legally your father can throw her out. if yes get brother to go round and talk to him about the consequences that has for the family (ie if you're going to be selfish or childish it means we put all our lives on hold to help the one chucked out at short notice, is that something he wants? if yes then i wouldnt help him in a hurry in the future).

One step at a time though, write that list and all talk through the jobs on that list, everyone gets a role to play and a lead to follow (including you so its fair but at least its only 1/4th of the problem rather than the whole thing).

I would leave your mother out of these initial conversations so you can talk about it in a matter of fact way without upsetting her and without her feeling likes shes being passed around.

brians_daughter

Bufger, do you fancy coming round to help? You sound so orgainised! Thanks, i do feel better after venting. already have a list here but need to add loads to it..
Dad can be a bit 'childish' at times, Doc said this was due to some of his strokes/heart attacks when the oxygen to the brain is interupted and can make ppl irrational so we have to choose our times wisely to enter into serious conversations with him. But it will be done. We initially thought Dad was 'off on one' again but it seems thats not the case he says he has 'seen people' from the sound of it Relate and the likes on his own and has decided he wants to be seperated.
Thanks

Bufger

I'd happilly come round and be the impartial one to get the list sorted. haha.

You'll be fine and so will your mother. You may find relationships with your father start to turn sour at some point with alot of family involvement helping your mother out so be prepared for that.

daska

Sounds like all you kids need to go round and tell your dad what's what!

Your mum needs to go and see a solicitor ASAP - find one that does a free half hour introductory one or even ring legal aid and see if she qualifies for that. She put money into the relationship and hopefully she can show the paper trail from the house sale etc. It is a pity they didn't re-marry, I have no idea whether she's entitled to anything but hopefully all is not lost.

Brighton_belle

OP -for the record you do not sound remotely self centred to me. It is the people who never say no who get burnt out and ill.

I too live with illness and you need to look after you or you will be no use to anyone.
I don't have any solutions, but just wanted to knock the idea you are being selfish on the head -no no no no no and no you are not.
You've been fantastic to family and you will be again, when you are better!