What would you do?

had-enough-now

Hi,

I'm just wondering what you would do in the same situation as my heart is telling me one thing, but my head is telling me another.

Bit of background. I've been married for nearly 5 years, together for 7, we have 2 DS's ... our eldest is 5 and has recently been diagnosed with aspergers and ADHD, our youngest is 2 and very much a mummy's boy, and I am 25 weeks pregnant with DS3.

I gave up work recently to become a full time SAHM which has benefitted our eldest DS no end as he has stability and knows what's happening with his days now. However, since I finished work, I feel like DH has become more and more distant. It's now at a point where I feel like a single parent with the glamour of having to cook an extra meal a day and wash an extra persons clothes.

He leaves the house at 6am to go to the gym before work, and gets home around 7pm in the evening. I get the kids ready, get them breakfast, get eldest DS to school, spend the day entertaining youngest DS (toddler groups, arts and crafts, etc), pick eldest up from school, make their teas, get them bathed and ready for bed, and they're in bed most nights before DH is even home. DS2 has started becoming more clingy and won't go to DH at all ... I think it's because he never sees him so he is a stranger to him for want of a better word.

When DH comes home from work, I make tea, do what needs doing house wise before bed time, and he will sit on the sofa watching tv and messaging his mate who he's been at work with all day. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and really have to watch what I say otherwise I just get the brush off from him. The only time he's affectionate is when he wants a bit! Now I also suffer from SPD and carpal tunnel and by the time it comes to bed time all I want to do is sleep.

His mate from work is looking for a room mate and I'm quite tempted to tell DH to move in there for 6 months just to give me some room and some breathing space while I work out where my head is at. In all honesty, I don't know whether I love him anymore and just feel like I'm taken for granted. I left work to look after my family and he works damned hard, I know that, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour really, does it?

I really do hate feeling like this and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better

Sorry for the ramble, just needed to get it all down and out of my head. Hope there's someone with some pearls of wisdom out there.

Thanks

H-E-N

jamespir

i feel for you it must be hard but you need to have this out with your husband

but pushing him away isnt going to make things any better for you

he needs to realise he has a family and cant just swan off to the gym and then do what he feels like


when he comes home one night my advice would be to say theres you dinner cook it yourself im of out with the girls and see how he copes he may change his mind then

Bufger

I would speak to him before doing anything irrational. It sounds like the classic case of you both becoming the stereotypes of your 'roles'. ie he is the 'breadwinner' so hes becoming more demanding, distant as you're just at home all day not doing much (not my view, its more than likely his if you ask him).

Write a list of every single thing you do in the day. Sit your fella down and talk through these points:

Seeing the kids. this is number one in their upbringing. he needs to see them for a couple of hours a day and interact with them. He can do this whenever he wants (ie in the morning instead of the gym? if he can get home earlier do it then?).

Spending time with you. This is not sexual time, this is quality time like chatting, having a nice meal - even watching something both of you want to watch on TV.

Then show him the list if he starts off with the whole 'i havent got time, im at work all day, who do you think brings in the money' etc.

Im a bloke, i work hard but i know my work doesnt stop when i leave work, as a team me and my OH take turns to cook (although my cooking is MUCH better ), we share chores and there is still enough time for us to sit in the garden and chat or have a massage without it leading to sex!

Mme.Hibou

Bufger wrote: »

Write a list of every single thing you do in the day. Sit your fella down and talk through these points:

My husband would be in the dog house for a week if he suggested this.

Bufger

Lydia82 wrote: »

My husband would be in the dog house for a week if he suggested this.

You dont see the value in showing your OH what a SAHM does throughout the day? i thought it would help him understand that its not easy.

Please explain your comment further, it baffles me!

Mme.Hibou

It would be impossible to do, somedays we just sit in the living room and read books, play games and the housework takes a backseat, he'll come home and make dinner as I won't have prepared anything.
Another day I might have scrubbed the kitchen from top to bottom, emptied the cupboards, cooked for the baby and us whilst also having left the house on the errands I have to do.
Each day for me is so different, he could look at the list and see 5 things or 50 things depending on how me or the baby was feeling.

I am a SAHM and I work bloody hard, he works hard too and could never ask him what he does at work all day.

gingin_2

I have the same with my husband. My children are now 6 and 10 but for all of their lives, I have effectively been a single parent during the week, due to his work. He is out at 7am and home at 8pm at the earliest and often away for nights on end.

It is unbelievably hard when your children are younger but it does get better, honest. We had issues with my son at school for a few years and I was constantly having to take on the burden of seeing teachers all the time with little support from my husband I can remember many, many tears of despair. Now my children are older I see us as the three amigo's we make a great little team and are used to it just being the three of us. In particular, when they were younger and OH was away for the night, we would have certain nights, like movie night, takeaway night, games night. It used to take their minds off the fact that Daddy wasn't there and actually turn it into a fun thing.

Try talking to husband reasonably. Make sure he knows how you feel. Tell him you understand he works hard but that you need support. Can he take the children out on a saturday morning, just to give you some space?

Also, I don't know whether you are the same but when I am stressed and upset and need support from my husband, he tends to back off because he thinks I need space and time alone and that just makes me more angry! I think it' a men are from Mars and women are from Venus thing- they just don't seem to get it sometimes (sorry men!).


I think if you haven't talked it through properly, then asking him to move out is too hasty. Cook him a nice meal, or get a takeaway, light some candles and try and have a good heart to heart.

I know it must be much harder for you with a 5 year old with aspergers and adhd so I hope I haven't made light of it by comparing it to my situation but it sounds like you need support, not to be apart.

Bufger

You wouldnt be asking him what he does at work all day, if he's undervaluing you then you would voluntarily write a list to show him you shouldnt be under appreciated.

I certainly wouldnt ask my OH what shes been doing all day, i'd automatically lose a large amount of cash to some lady called Dorothy Perkins the next day. I still havent worked out who this lady is shes paying!

had-enough-now

Thanks guys.

The thing is we've been here before, he says he'll make more of an effort, it lasts a couple of weeks and then we're back to square one again, I just don't have the strength to do it anymore. I told him last time that if we go back to square one again then it's the last time, I can't live in a one sided relationship anymore, it's just wearing me out.

Then on the flip side I just think I'm being overly emotional due to pregnancy hormones and I'm not being fair on him ... I just don't know anymore

*Louise*

I'm just wondering how it all worked before you gave up work??

Dd he always go to the gym or has this only just started? Does he work that late normally or is he doing overtime?

paulwf

OP you haven't said how he is at the weekend, does he have time for you and the family then?

If he's out of the house at 6am and not back until 7pm then I can understand that he might want to slump on the sofa when he gets home. That's modern life with long working hours I'm afraid, and going to the gym probably sets him up for the working day, allows him to clear his head and keeps him fit. I wouldn't stop him going to the gym unless you want a fat slob who gets stressed.

Make sure he has time for you at the weekend, and whilst he could behave better during the week it is quite normal.

ETA: also make sure you take some time to have fun every day OP. Some of the resentment comes across as you being bored and therefore envious of him going out and having a life. You're a adult, don't just label yourself as a SAHM.