How do I help my friend?

helpafriend

To cut a long story short my friend has got herself into £70k of debt over the last 8 years. She is a full time mum to 4 children and her husband earns around £30k per year. Their house has increased in value over the last 8 years, so some of the debt has been added on to the mortgage. They also have a secured loan.

After they took out their last secured loan 2 months ago (to pay off credit cards) for £25k I told her she needed to stop using her credit cards as she just cannot keep consolidating her debts. Last week I found out they booked a holiday to Florida and also when I went to visit I found out they were decorating the children’s rooms yet again (they were only done 2 years ago) with new curtains and carpets. I told her about this site, but she just did not want to know. She said you only live once and that they always seem to manage.

She has always been very extravagant, spends £100s on the children at birthdays and Christmas, husband always buys her expensive jewellery every Christmas and birthday, always have the latest gadgets, plasma TV etc. I so want to help her, but she is in denial. When I suggested she sell some of her jewellery to pay off her debts she said it would hurt her badly not to be able to show her wealth off. I told her she isn’t wealth, it is all debt, but she just did not get it!!!

I am at a loss on how to help her. I love her and the kids to bits, but neither her nor her husband have any concept of budgeting or living within your means. I am so sad about this and can see them losing their house over this.

skylight

You can't.

All the love in the world wont make her "see sense". As you have said - she wont see it.

Just hope things dont come crashing down, but be there if it does.

Oh - any buy her Martins new book for a pressie!

Snaggles

I have a friend exactly like this, it's sad but there is very little you can do, other than be there for them when reality does catch up with them. She obviously trusts you as she has told you quite a lot about their financial situation. Hopefully her lightbulb moment will come before it gets so bad that they lose their house. To be honest, with the debt they already have, and with a household income of £30k, they're probably going to start to struggle to get any additional credit before long - maybe when they start getting rejected, or struggling to meet their monthly repayments, they will come to their senses. You sound as though you really care about your friend, and her family - she is lucky to have someone like you who not only cares, but can point her in the right direction when the time comes. All the best, Snaggles xx

helpafriend

Thank you for all the support and as usual spot on advice.

It is just so sad to see someone go down a road and know it is going to end in tears. I have told her about our debt problems and she thinks I am worrying over nothing for a £10k debt. However, although managable at the monent, it won't be if I keep on spending and don't do something about it now.

I have told her about this site. Jo, if you are reading, please please listen to the lovely people on here.

dirtyepic

I have a sister exactly the same. A couple of months ago she was earning more than my husband and mine's combined wage. She spends tons of money on the best clothes, shoes and toys for her twins then only the best makeup and outfits for herself but can't seem to understand why she is into her overdraft the day she gets paid.

It really frustrates me as an discharged bankrupt and all the problems I had before, during and after bankruptcy. She witnessed the states I managed to get into including my health, employment and relationships but still she turns a blind eye.

The number of times she has let me down 'because she's skint' and every time I have to bite my tongue to tell her to sort herself out. The thing is she always manages to get the money to bail herself out time and time again.

Maybe she's just lucky and very laid back. Whereas I'm not on both counts.

I guess in these situations we have to just wait and see and just be there if or when it all comes crashing down around them or they have their 'lightbulb moment'

Prudent

I am a single mum of one on £30K per annum. i couldn't afford to live this kind of lifestyle. I don't think this acn be maintained without the debt continuing to spiral. She is lucky though to have a friend who cares and wants to help - but just yet she isn't ready for it.

cupid_s

I feel the same about some of my friends but none are in such a bad situation. However everyone on here is here because they want to save money, they don't want to be in debt and they worry themselves sick if they are.
Not everyone is like this. Some people are happy to go through life always owing money. My friend will pay for everything with the credit card and spend all year paying it back. I will save all year, have enough money to buy it outright and have plenty of interest earned to treat myself or pay extra off the mortgage. Also there's no interest in cc payments. However we end up with the same thing at the end of the day and nothing i could say would change her. Some people go through life like this and it doesn't always come crashing down so you can hope that this is the case with your friend, and that it doesn't get too out of control.

You have told/warned her and so there's not much more you can do

nearlyrich

I agree you can't help someone who doesn't think they have a problem. I have helped out friends with budgetting and getting out of debt but it only works if they want to do it.

frankie1_2

From personal experience a couple of things will happen.
1.Your friend will max out on credit cards.
2. They will start to miss the odd payment as they will be unable to borrow/access cash from these cards to pay another months minimum payments
3. They will be unable to increase their limit
4. They will be unable to gain additional loans
When the reality finally hits their debts will be enormous and you can only be there for moral support.
People on this site will also be available to give support also

lazy&indebt

Maybe (as harsh as it sounds) it would be a good thing for their debts to spiral out of control? Maybe then and only then they will realise how much of a problem not living within your means is. I know this sounds harsh but people can never see the bad in a situation until they are on the other side of it. Just be there with all the good advice if and when it does happen.

I will say though I wish I'd had a friend like you when I started borrowing!

seven-day-weekend

cupid_stunt wrote:

I feel the same about some of my friends but none are in such a bad situation. However everyone on here is here because they want to save money, they don't want to be in debt and they worry themselves sick if they are.
Not everyone is like this. Some people are happy to go through life always owing money. My friend will pay for everything with the credit card and spend all year paying it back. I will save all year, have enough money to buy it outright and have plenty of interest earned to treat myself or pay extra off the mortgage. Also there's no interest in cc payments. However we end up with the same thing at the end of the day and nothing i could say would change her. Some people go through life like this and it doesn't always come crashing down so you can hope that this is the case with your friend, and that it doesn't get too out of control.

You have told/warned her and so there's not much more you can do

Yes, I agree with this. My husband used to work with someone who had a combined family income of arounf £55-60k and they just don't see debt the same way as we do.

For example, this person bought a car and put it on their MORTGAGE:eek: !
When my husband pointed out that he'd be paying for this car long after it had gone to the scrapheap he said he didn't care, he never expected to pay off his mortgage so why did it matter how much he owed? The same person also bought a brand new top-of-the-range motorcycle, after two months didn't like it so bought another one (all on credit, but I don't know if it was on the mortgage this time)....but he has been unable to sell the first one, so now he has two lots of debt to service. They also have six-week long exotic holidays every year on credit. His attitude is , he doesn't care, everyone is in debt aren't they (no!) and no-one ever expects you to ever clear it , do they (yes!).

So, you can't help until they see the situation differently.