Missing my Grandson

suep

Hi I was pointed towards this thread as a place to possiblyy get some advice, Im usually in Disability and dosh and Old style moneysaving so I hope you dont mind me barging in.

My eldest son is an alcoholic, he has a little boy of almost 3 and broke up with his sons Mum just before xmas 2009. At first she let DGS come to our home to stay over every Sunday and Monday as she works Mondays, our son stayed here those days too to see his ds, but I did all the caring for DGS despite having a chronic pain c0ndition as son isnt capable of looking after himself , his behaviour is very erratic. Ds was waiting to go into rehaba nd getting very depressed about the situation and for some reason unknown to any of us decided to steal all the money from the joint savings account he still had with his ex partner, (I dont know why she hadn't cancelled it ) and run off to stay with a friend in Spain , I think he thought if he got away from everything he'd be ok ! but dont really know what was going through his mind. Ex DIL was furious naturally and has stopped us from seeing DGS. DS is now back in the country, it didnt work out surprise surprise. Im not having much to do with him now as Im disgusted with what hes done, but get the odd phone call or text. Me and my DH are desperate to see our DGS, we even offered to pay ex DIL the money back in installments (800 pounds) if it meant we could see him again. Ex DIL agreed, but when I asked when we could see DGS she got all diffensive, so I asked her if we could have an agreement drawn up to reassure both of us, she would get her money and we would get regular access, and she sent me a really nasty email back saying Im trying to blackmail her and the deals off. I dont think she had any intention of letting us see DGS and just wanted the money back, she has a new partner now and doesnt want us in her life. I know Grandparents dont get automatic rights to see their Grandchildren, but wondered if anyone had any advice pleae. It was my Dads funeral only last week and I am very depressed and tearful. I feel Ive lost my Dad, son and Grandson in a couple of months. Sorry to waffle on.

lavidaloca

Didn't want to read and run but sorry don't have any advice. However, rest assured there will be some lovely people along soon who will be able to advise you.

red_devil

thats really mean of her isnt it. The little boy has lost his dad in his life and now his mum wants to get rid of you too. Cant she see she is only hurtiing her own son. Why are some people so controlling.
hardly is it his fault things have gone wrong.

Ask her how she would like it if she couldnt see her grandparents when growing up?

Hope you get to see your grandson soon hopefully the situation will change

I hope your son kicks the drink out of his life too not done him very much good so far.

suep

Just had a call from my son, he kicked of at his new girlfriends flat last night and she asked him to leave, so he's now homeless and was ringing from a homeless day centre. DH wont have him back here after everything. Im worried sick about him , and just hoping that hitting rock bottom will make him realise he needs help.

As for ex DIL, her grandparents live in Italy so she didnt grow up with them around, and her Mother died when she was 14. She is also very volatile and doesnt speak to her Dad or half her family any more, all that seems to matter to her is her new bloke. She is a very hard cold person and there is no kind side to appeal to Im afriad, the money seems to mean more to her than her own sons welfare.

Savvy_Sue

I believe you can go to court for access - it's not automatic, but if you were a large part of his life then that's taken into account.

However, it's not cheap, and there's no guarantee of success.

Have a google of grandparents access rights, I'm sure there's a support organisation too.

Jo_R_2

If it were me I think I'd do the "take the moral high ground" approach. It sounds like it could be a while if she does decide to let you see DGS again, but keeping lines of communication open, in a non-urgent way, might get her to thinking about contact.

Speak to her asking how she and DGS are, you'd love to see him again, you're sorry there was bad feeling but hope you can come out the other side in a better place, you'd love to be able to see him, maybe help out with childcare when she's at work, take him to the park, etc. I'm wondering if saying something directly or indirectly about how you're talking specifically about you and your DH having contact rather than your DS might help clear things as obviously that's a different issue and maybe she's seeing them as intertwined?

Good luck anyway x

travelgran

I think you're right Savvy-Sue. Although grandparents don't have the legal right to see their grandchildren I believe the children have the right to see their grandparents. Maybe something to check out if the 'softly, softly' approach doesn't work?

Primrose

I think the least harmful approach in these circumstances is to write to your daughter in law and say how sorry you are that she's had such a difficult time and the last thing on your mind was to try and put any pressure on her, emotional or otherwise, to see your grandson.
Just say that he's a lovely little boy and that you and your husband are missing him very much. Wish her well in her new life and hope that she will find happiness with her new partner. Express sadness that your son has let her down so badly and tell her that you have felt let down by his behaviour too but hope that this will not allow any bad feeling between you. Give her time to sort herself out emotionally before thinking of taking court action. She has obviously had a rough time with your son and probably unfairly, thinks you're all tarred with the same brush. She needs time to understand that that you are prepared to be neutral and not judgemental on the marriage breakdown.

jonty1970

I'm so sorry for you.
I've been in the same situation, but it was my daughter who took my grandson away from me.
I have messaged you privately, through here.
Get to the CAB or a free meeting with a solicitor and see what you can do about seeing your grandson.
And keep things as friendly as you can with his mum. Never upset her or disagree with her. You have to learn to bite your tongue, for the little ones sake!
Be strong and I'm sure in the future, things will be better
XXX

sp1987

Primrose wrote: »

I think the least harmful approach in these circumstances is to write to your daughter in law and say how sorry you are that she's had such a difficult time and the last thing on your mind was to try and put any pressure on her, emotional or otherwise, to see your grandson.
Just say that he's a lovely little boy and that you and your husband are missing him very much. Wish her well in her new life and hope that she will find happiness with her new partner. Express sadness that your son has let her down so badly and tell her that you have felt let down by his behaviour too but hope that this will not allow any bad feeling between you. Give her time to sort herself out emotionally before thinking of taking court action. She has obviously had a rough time with your son and probably unfairly, thinks you're all tarred with the same brush. She needs time to understand that that you are prepared to be neutral and not judgemental on the marriage breakdown.

I completely agree.

If I was in the same situation (after being let down seemingly repeatedly by an alcoholic ex partner who then stole joint savings to go off to warmer climes before thinking of his own son) it would surely be very difficult to separate the two. Your son obviously cannot prioritise his son and she is only trying to get on with life. She may be suspicious you two are not to be trusted too (even if totally untrue). Maybe she thinks you had something to do with the money disappearing and is now cautious in case your son wants to take the child abroad with him next time? Her accusing you of blackmail sounds to me like her not trusting your intentions as opposed to just throwing an insult. Maybe she thinks your offer to pay the money back was because you had something to do with him taking it? Who knows!

The only way to appeal to her is to be there and be supportive. If her own mother has passed away she may not be able to see the benefits of having grandparents in her child's life, I don't mean that nastily to either party. This may also contribute to how ''cold'' she seems. Some people act a lot more cold to outsiders than they really are.

If she sees you as a reliable and secure pair to leave her child with, who do not pressurise her, she may come to you. If not, keep in contact with the child via letters/cards who may wish to see you himself in due course.

If I had ex in laws essentially threatening legal proceedings to demand access to my child it would put my back right up. She will always be able to make some excuse as to why you are unfit if she wishes. I certainly wouldn't try it as even if you are awarded contact, a scorned person could influence the child directly or indirectly into not wanting to come anyway. The child is what is important and part of that is the child knowing it's mother/primary carer is happy.

My own mother whom I am very close to makes emotive demands on seeing my son and although I know she just does it through wanting to see him (she has seen him many, many times as they live locally), it has the opposite effect. The pushy ''when can I see'' so and so makes me change the subject when I called up for that exact thing! If I was you, make contact to enquire as to how they both are, have they had a nice week or whatever. I know it is bad but sometimes I know my mother is only ringing to ask when she can see my son and if she were not my own mother I would ignore the calls!

Think of the child, think of yourselves and his mother and keep in contact as much as possible.

[Deleted User]

As people have said., just keep making non pushy contact. Let her know u sympathise with how she must feel, and if ever she wants to talk or needs a friend you are there. Again, as has been said, however tempting, don't criticise anything she says or does. Sooner or later I am certain you will find she will allow u to have access.

It may take a year or more, but I am certain it will happen (I have a lot of probs with my mum as she was very abusive but she's changed a lot and when I decided I didn't want anything to do with her, she just kept in contact and was supportive. I don't think I'll ever totally trust her and seeing her is not pain free but I did in the end start taking my son's round there again because its good for them to know who their grandparents are).