coping with the emotion- or the green eyed monster!!

debtdesperado

I have had problems with jealousy. It's horrible but I think part of anyone's DF journey is to learn to curb that "I WANT ONE! RIGHT NOW! before slapping down the credit card without any further thought" impulse, to slowing down and considering whether you really want it.

I realised how I'm still that kid sitting in the sandpit who wants the other kid's shiny new spade, starts crying and throwing a tantrum, who then whips out a credit card to buy the shiny new spade. INSTEAD, I should think to myself, hey, I still have a spade even though it's not shiny - so I can still dig, and because I can still dig I'm going to build the best sandcastle. And I don't need a shiny new spade to do that!

As other posters have said, it's about focusing on what you have, and not what you want. If you think about what you want all the time, it's futile - there will always be more stuff to buy, more reasons to spend money. You will make yourself feel bad and you will always feel bad. If however, you focus on what you have, ie a comfy house, a car that gets you from A to B, a job, a partner, a huge pile of debt to pay off (!) - whatever it is, you start to appreciate that thing. In terms of 'appreciating' that you have a pile of debt to pay off, it means that you start to see how the debt affects your life, which means that the debt-free lesson is starting to sink in - which it needs to if you are going to stay DF forever.

If you focus on what you have, then by your own definition, you become one of the 'haves', rather than the 'have-nots'. So now, even though I have probably a third of what I used to own (when I had my LBM with £42k of debt I sold just about everything that was even vaguely floggable), I feel that I have more - in fact I realise I have more than enough. It's odd but reframing your thinking works.

Quiet_Life

helsee wrote: »

why aim to kill your jealousy why not let it drive and inspire you?

that feeling of wanting to be a have rather than a have not may well help keep you on track and stick to the course of action you need to be debt free.

remember whats important- friendships, shelter, food, experiences and remember that the rest is just gravy!

You left out the most important thing : HEALTH.... no amount of material things can make up for not having your health

Nargleblast

Remember that even if you did manage to get what others have got, the goalposts would then move and you would want more, and more.....that is how many people get into debt. If you look at what money you are paying out each month in debt repayments, you could have a pretty comfortable lifestyle if it were not for the debts, so best make a plan to shift the debts and then that money will be yours again to do with as you will.

Firewalker

Your post has been haunting me so had to reply.

Most people seem to think that to deal with matters of jealousy they ought to target the feeling itself. I happen to believe that jealousy is just a sign that we see something as irresistible. This, for instance, is the root of jealousy in relationships; and a very similar mechanism is at work regarding things and possession. So to deal with the feeling we have to cease seeing things as irresistible.

As mentioned elsewhere I believe that philosophy is actually very practical, so here would like to mention E. From – a philosopher and a psychologist. He discussed two types of people – ‘people to be’ and ‘people to have’. Today most of us a very much ‘people to have’ – we desire things, houses, cars, shoes, even simple everyday objects can become completely irresistible. If we can’t possess the things we desire we feel bitter because other people can.

A way out, is to aim to become more ‘people to be’. Think about your past and the moments you felt most happy and content. Are these the moments when you possessed an object or when you experienced something? Possessing happening and being is open to all – it is even better if you share it. Becoming more of a ‘person to be’ will reduce jealousy – or that is what I rightly or wrongly believe.

Firewalker

summerday

I think everyone can suffer from feelings of jealousy at times, it's human nature. One thing I find helps me is reconnecting myself with nature, by going for a long walk by the sea or a river and breathing the fresh air in deeply- somehow it just makes me feel glad to be alive and none of the material stuff seems to matter (for a while at least!). Can you tell I've been and done this today myself?!

Another thing that helps is reading novels, especially those set in 1940s era England, when people really had very little, rationing, outdoor toilets etc, but people appreciated what they had. Makes me feel feel appreciative for the comparative luxuries that I have today.

Hopefully these may help someone, though I appreciate it's not for everyone.

determined_new_ms

Hi op, I totaly see where you are cominf from but I wanted to post this response to another thread I made yesterday

"last night my oh told me a particularly sad story. He is from Brasil, his mother was very savvy and managed to bring him up relatively privileged in a country full of poverty (she was an air stewardess and bought things cheap in America and other countries and then sold them back in Brasil so she was able to buy a house, keep food on the table etc), paid for him to have an education, when he was going off the rails sent him to england where his father was and he got back on track, finished his education and went on to uni.

Anyway his mum is in Brasil at the moment and he spoke to her yesterday. They have discovered the long lost son of his uncle who died last year (not sure of the circumstances as to why he was lost, perhaps an affair?) and he and his family are extremely poor, they have a house which is built in the slum but do not have any furniture not even a chair to sit on. his mum's words "They have nothing son, not even a chair to sit on". She called him to ask if she could give their 10 yr old son is old bike (sitting in the storage for more than 15 years).

Although we are going without to pay our debts, we can't imagine proverty like that. No matter how tough things are we have a nice home, clothes to wear (my wardrobe might not be replenished as often as it was in 2009 but I certainly have no shortage of clothes), nice food to eat. Makes you think doesn't it?"

It for me it put everything into perspective...

woody01

jdvhsully wrote: »

Thanks for this- I know deep down that we are lucky, we have food, heating etc.

I just want to slay my dragon

Jealous of what?
I would have a bet that it was the jealousy that got you in debt in the first place trying to 'keep up with the Jones'.

One has a crappy old house in London and the other goes to a holiday cottage. Neither are exactly Richard Branson are they?....so don't fret it.

graemecarter

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides

Develop an attitude of gratitude

stroppyjock

I used to be a spendalot married to a spendalot. However having had my light bulb moment, a trust deed, seperation and change of career I find myself looking after the pennies, buying wisely and thinking before I buy.

And to be honest life is a lot lot better, I appreciate what I have and what I do, even going for a nice coffee and cake with my GF has taken on a different meaning as we dont do it every week.

I know its a well used cliche, but look at what you have, even the debt, and be happy with that, and use the debt to kick start a new way of thinking, I promise it will change your life for the better,and you will realise that what others have doesnt matter, it doesnt make them better people or have a better life, in fact, as has been said on this thread, it might make them the exact opposite.

Bit of a ramble there sorry, but finding this web site has changed my life so much, just hope it works for you to.

gonzo127

i can so understand where you are coming from with the jelousy and the lack of thought (we hope) of others,

i had a a bit of jelousy creep up on me before Christmas when my sister in law was complaining that they (her and my brother) have that much money coming in they just dont know what to spend it on and then complaining that their Christmas bonus was less than they was expecting however it was still 20% more than my annual salary!

it really got to me that they are sat there with a new 4 bed detached house, 2 new cars, a new £20k kitchen etc complaining that their bonus was only 20% higher than my annaul salary and i was sat there thinking i was going to have to raid the penny jar at the end of the month to buy some more milk and bread since we had had a unexpected expense because our cooker needed replacing as it died the month before Christmas.

however everything came quickly back into focus when i got home and got a big cuddle from my little girly as i realised just how lucky i am since my brother and his wife have both been trying for a child for 2 years now without any luck,

it just made me realise (once again as i keep having these moments) that as nice as having their money would be i would not want to change places with them even for one second if it meant giving up my family.

money can only buy things, and things are really not that important