Helping a friend - ex going off rails? (long)

happyfili

Hello everyone, I really want to help my family friend out, it's a complicated situation, I'll give a bit of background.

My female friend married her OH in 2000 and they subsequently had two sons together, who are now 7 and 5. They separated earlier this year and the husband has left the family home (which in fact my friend has owned outright since before they were married). Divorce proceedings are in place but obviously at an early stage.

Husband has moved into a flat a few miles away from the wife and kids. He hasn't worked for a number of years due to an incident at work that has affected his mental health (PTSD) and legal action surrounding this is ongoing.

Since moving out the kids have been seeing their dad regularly (3-4 times a week, after school, on weekends etc), my friend dropping off and picking up as husband does not have car at the moment. Everything seemed to be OK, or as well as could be in a difficult situation for everyone...until...

My friend received a phone call the beginning of this week from hubby's ex-partner who has a 15 year old daughter with said hubby. My friend was obviously a step-mother to this girl during her marriage to hubby. However 15-y-old daughter (in Year 10) has moved in with hubby after deciding this is where she wants to live and her mother is extremely concerned...apparently 15yo is using hubby's house as a doss house, friends are invited round to sleep whenever they like (it's a one bedroom flat), there's alcohol freely available, she is allowed to come and go as she pleases essentially. He gives her large amounts of money to spend as she pleases. Hubby is also drinking upto 3 bottles of wine a day. He makes grandiose promises to the kids about "when he gets his money" (from the court case surrounding the PTSD)...although this is an "if rather than "when".

My friend doesn't know what to do essentially, I feel for her so much. Obviously she had no idea anything was this bad (and I suspect it's not *as* bad when the boys are around earlier in the evening). She is worried for all the kids' safety, not just her own, but the 15yos and her friends too. She doesn't want her kids' to have no contact with their father but she feels like they are not safe in his *care*. The obvious answer is to just stop all contact but as far as it stands she doesn't want to upset the boys (who adore their dad).

Can anyone please help me to point her in the right direction, legal or otherwise. Or any advice at all would be great. She's already rang social services but waiting to hear back, she's not sure of the correct routes to go down in the circumstances.

Thanks for reading, I hope I've been clear. Any questions or clarifications I'll help as best I can

BitterAndTwisted

No, the obvious answer is NOT to just stop all contact! There's no proof that the children are at risk of any danger in his company. It's all hearsay about whether or how much he drinks and it's perfectly possible that he doesn't drink at all when he has his children over. Stopping contact should an absolutely last resort not the first tactic when there's a question about care. Who does this mother think she is to consider stopping her kids from seeing their own father? That's not reasonable behaviour by a very long chalk. Children should never be used in that way when there's no concrete reason

AlwaysSmiling

Maybe the dad needs some support too? He may be trying his best to be a friend to the children as well as a dad and this is causing tension. If this is the case then family support or classes may help if he is serious? If not then a long talk with the daughter would be advisable as she is probably feeling insecure and rebelling, she probably needs to know she is welcome to both parents but her safety is paramount. She may also need to be told that her behaviour is unacceptable with the drinking and lack of respect. Social Services may advise the dad to seek help from voluntary agencies to support the family but you may need to ask for this. I agree with the above comment though, if the daughter chooses to live there it is her wish, and all the mother can do is respect that and be supportive.

happyfili

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

No, the obvious answer is NOT to just stop all contact! There's no proof that the children are at risk of any danger in his company. It's all hearsay about whether or how much he drinks and it's perfectly possible that he doesn't drink at all when he has his children over. Stopping contact should an absolutely last resort not the first tactic when there's a question about care. Who does this mother think she is to consider stopping her kids from seeing their own father? That's not reasonable behaviour by a very long chalk. Children should never be used in that way when there's no concrete reason

Hiya

I probably didn't make myself clear but she doesn't want to stop contact, but the dilemma is that she feels increasingly uncomfortable leaving the boys in his care...it may be hearsay to a certain degree but my friend does know what hubby can be like and how much he was drinking when he was living with her for 10 years, OK this drinking may have been when the kids were in bed at home but now he has a house to himself his erractic behaviour seems to has escalated, or at least his responsibilities seemed to have become slightly blurred, especially around his older daughter.

happyfili

AlwaysSmiling wrote: »

Maybe the dad needs some support too? He may be trying his best to be a friend to the children as well as a dad and this is causing tension. If this is the case then family support or classes may help if he is serious? If not then a long talk with the daughter would be advisable as she is probably feeling insecure and rebelling, she probably needs to know she is welcome to both parents but her safety is paramount. She may also need to be told that her behaviour is unacceptable with the drinking and lack of respect. Social Services may advise the dad to seek help from voluntary agencies to support the family but you may need to ask for this. I agree with the above comment though, if the daughter chooses to live there it is her wish, and all the mother can do is respect that and be supportive.

Hiya

Thanks for your reply, the daughter has always seemed to be closer to the dad from what I have seen, and spent as much time with him as was possible even when she was a lot younger, now he has his own place then it was always quite obvious she was going to move in there...she's a lovely lass but she was always prone to rebelling I think, she's left her old friends and swapped them for the more rough and ready, drinking and shoplifting types, if you see what I mean. Her mother though also had some issues with drugs and alcohol many years ago and I think the daughter is using that as ammo against her "you can tell me not to do x. y and z, you used to do it".

I also agree that dad needs some support, but I get the feeling he wouldn't readily agree to anything like that, he would see it as a failure of his masculinity or similar

AlwaysSmiling

Just re-read and the daughter is 15, as she is under 16 Social Services may want to get involved if the housing situation is unsuitable. If it is the daughters new abode then they may want to investigate any concerns from the mother. Parents do drink, but if the dad is drinking excessively then this may be detrimental to the daughters health. Is the daughter regularly attending school? Or is she absconding or simply missing school? All these factors would need to be investigated.

However the dad may be supporting the children at a satisfactory level and just trying to find his feet. However if the mother is concerned then she needs to raise these with Social Services, they will decide if extra support needs to be put in. Keep being a good friend because at times like these it means far more then any advice on here!

happyfili

AlwaysSmiling wrote: »

Just re-read and the daughter is 15, as she is under 16 Social Services may want to get involved if the housing situation is unsuitable. If it is the daughters new abode then they may want to investigate any concerns from the mother. Parents do drink, but if the dad is drinking excessively then this may be detrimental to the daughters health. Is the daughter regularly attending school? Or is she absconding or simply missing school? All these factors would need to be investigated.

However the dad may be supporting the children at a satisfactory level and just trying to find his feet. However if the mother is concerned then she needs to raise these with Social Services, they will decide if extra support needs to be put in. Keep being a good friend because at times like these it means far more then any advice on here!

Hello again,

She is a very good friend and to be honest I haven't seen her as upset as I did a few days ago, she's the type who pretends everything is OK I just really want to help her.

As far as the 15yo daughter goes, I think she plays truant occasionally but is not permanently absent, and she will still be listed as living at her mother's house as it was 2/3 weeks ago she stormed out never to return.

Thanks for your reply again, my friend as did I say call Social Services but is waiting on a reply. And as she isn't the mother of the older girl (where the main concern seems to lie) I'm not sure how this will affect her concerns.