is there a simple guide to seperation divorce out there?

maggirl

I have lots of questions about the "process" of splitting up with someone.

For example, what is the difference between seperating and divorce, OK I know that divorce is final but why do some people just go for a straight divorce rather than seperating first?

at what point do you have to start filling in forms...It all seems like a complicated, horribe process from what i am reading.

So is there a straight talking guide that I can get from the internet somewhere that goes through the process without me having to spend hundreds on solicitors fees?

How come some people seem to be able to decide to get divorced and have it over and done with in a matter of months?? is it really that smple?? I cant imagine my husband would agree to things so readily, he would go out of his way to make things awkward.

Just wish I had a knowledgable friend to talk to about it. Please dont tell me again that I should be discussing this with my husband. I know I should, but I also know how he will react when I tell him I want to split up wth him- he will either get very angry or refuse to discuss it with me and put every barrier in my way, and not behave rationally. I know I am behaving like a coward. I just want as much info as possible to know my options.

And I know it sounds stupid but I've been ahving a look at the grounds for divorce that you can use.....how on earth do you prove unreasonable behaviour or that the marraige has broken down...how do you actually prove that, do you have to give statements?? what if your partner refuses??? Even if I said I couldnt bear to live with him anymore he would probably argue that things were fine between us, as he has so much to lose if I leave.

Sorry if this comes across as being calculating or naive...I just havent got any idea about how seperation/divorce works.

Caz3121

there is a good site here http://www.ondivorce.co.uk/
they should have all the info you need and a user forum if you need help/support

con_fused

Hi hun,

My husband and I are getting divorced. At first we did say 2 year separation but with us there hardly seems any point. He has decided he wants children (we had agreed from the start of our relationship that we didn't want children). He wants them within the next 3 years or so. I have no plans for that - I am training and want to get through my studies and work at my career. Children do not figure in my life.

There would be no point in us separating for 2 years as I know my opinion will not change in this time. We're better off being with people who share our views on children.

We are going for unreasonable behaviour. You can have a 30 minute free session with some solicitors so that might be an option as I did that and it was really useful. My solicitor said that he had one client file for unreasonable behaviour in that his wife watched too much TV! And it went through!

We are doing our divorce through https://www.divorceonline.co.uk and depending on the service you use, they can send you all the forms you need, one step at a time, you put in the details and they check it for you. Apparently our divorce should only take about 5 months to go through (fingers crossed). I think this service is only to be used however if both parties AGREE on the terms of the divorce.

I'm pretty new to this myself (first time divorced!!) but PM me if you want to.

maggirl

Blimey it all sounds complicated. And it also sounds like a lot of peoples divorces/seperations are amicable. Well, I know for sure that my husband will not want to get divorced. Even though all the love has gone from our marriage, we dont have much of a physical relationship anymore (he says its my fault and to be honest he is proably correct) and he has generally done some pretty horrible things to me over the last 2 years he will still fight me all the way......its almost like he thinks that I (and my DD) "belong" to him.

I was looking at the grounds for divorce...neither of us have been unfaithful, thats unthinkable!! but we just plod on. I dont know if he is miserable, he seems to be content with having a sham marriage where we just get by and go through the imotons of being a couple but I have had enough of it. I've been pretty much supporting him for the last few years and he isnt making any real effort to get a job, even though he is physically fit and has no excuse for not looking for any type of work. I'm just fed up of supporting him..I've just lost respect for him and I've turned into a bitter old biddy.

But how can I articulate this into grounds for divorce!! He has done some really crappy stuff over the last year like telling lies about money etc but I never had evidence of it, it is all just my word against his.

terryw

The problem with "unreasonable behaviour" is that it can become very messy with really severe animosity and fortunes being spent on legal fees. Everything else being equal, two years separation with consent is better to avoid recriminations for years into the future which could well affect the children.

Much depends upon the finances particularly if the house is owned, and if you intend to leave to live elsewhere or wish your husband to leave. As others have said, some free advice from a solicitor would be worthwhile.

zzzLazyDaisy

You need to see a solicitor because every case is different.

If you have children or a mortgage, or savings/assets or nothing at all, will all affect how quick it is and how much hassle.

But to answer one of your questions - how do you prove unreasonable behaviour or irretrievable breakdown? The reality is that you don't have to actually provide evidence. You have to swear that the marriage has irretrievably broken down and provide a list of your husbands actions that you consider to be unreasonable (often they are not all that unreasonable - I have seen 'he never puts the lid back on the toothpaste' listed as one of the reasons....

You then file your petition at court (or rather your solicitor does). In theory he can contest the divorce but in reality this is the province of only the most wealthy people because it is horrendously expensive, there is no legal aid for contesting a divorce, and in general the courts take the view that if a party to a marriage is saying it has irretrievably broken down, then it has broken down.

There is no need for independent statements, or calling witnesses, or producing proof, or anything like that, you just have to swear on oath that what you have said is true.

The financial side of things can take longer to resolve and that depends on both of your various assets, income pension, needs etc etc

As far as I am aware you can get the nisi fairly quickly, but the courts won't normally grant the absolute (final) divorce until the financial side of things have been sorted out.

I hope this helps, but I would urge you to see a divorce lawyer and get some personal advice tailored to your own specific circumstances

Good luck

Daisy

maggirl

Thanks! Ive just looked back at my previous posts here and I'm shocked to see that I have been trying to think about what to do for the best for nearly 2 years now!!

I can't believe I have spent so long, agonising, beating myself up about it, trying to think long and hard about the relationship etc etc.

a while ago, during an argument, I did threaten to leave. Since then he has tried to get better I think, he is trying to be more affectionate in a clumsy way, but fundamentally he has not changed.

Now that we have sold the house and are just renting it might be easier, certainly in terms of assets etc, I dunno.

zzzLazyDaisy

Divorce isn't easy. Of course you thought long and hard before deciding to walk away from a marriage - you promised 'till death do us part' didn't you? For most people it isn't easy to break big promises like that.

But it is also true that you only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to live it.

Try not to think of everything at once, as it will be overwhelming.

Instead, just take the first step.

Then the next

And so on.....

Good luck

Daisy

Alexl_2

Hi,
Try this site too: http://www.wikivorce.co.uk/
It does outline the actual steps and process for divorce.
Also look at http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/FamilyIssuesAndTheLaw/DG_4002976
which does the same.
Basically, to divorce you have to chose one of five reasons:
adultery by your husband or wife
unreasonable behaviour by your husband or wife
desertion for a period of at least two years
two years' separation, if you both agree to the divorce
five years' separation, if there is no agreement to the divorce

This is why some people chose a legal separation - because they cannot satisfy one of the other options. 'Unreasonable behaviour' can cover many things but best discussed with a Solicitor to ensure they are acceptable. This is also probably the most likely to cause arguements (and therefore solicitors costs) if you have a partner who is not willing to 'let you go'.

Hope this helps.

con_fused

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Divorce isn't easy. Of course you thought long and hard before deciding to walk away from a marriage - you promised 'till death do us part' didn't you? For most people it isn't easy to break big promises like that.

But it is also true that you only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to live it.

Thanks for this - encourages me too as things are up and down feelings-wise at the moment. I too had been thinking about divorcing for a good few months due to other issues (we've only been married 19 months) so not a decision taken lightly. The children thing was what sealed it though.

You do only get one life but it's not going to be an easy road, so take care of you hun xx

jakem_2

Excellent advice from everyone, and I am trying to sort out a divorce too.
Like maggirl I cant actually say he has beaten me or had affairs, but our marriage has broken down, he cant see it, as he is happy with the way things are, sleeping in seperate rooms, lying on his fat backside with the remote stuck to his hand, doesnt lift a finger, and very tight with money.

The fact is I dont love him anymore, is that grounds?, I cant bear to be in the same room as him, is that grounds?, I have forced myself to go out every weekend from 9-12, as cant bear to see him sitting in front of TV, after 12 I know definately he is down the pub, so is that classed as unreasonable behaviour? (There is more, this is just a couple of things)

I havent a clue either, but I know I am getting out, and expect some fights over it, but like ZZZlazydazy says, you only have one life, and I am not going to waste any more time on this man, for my emotional sanity I have to end it.
I wish you well Maggirl and the others who are going through the same, let us know how things are progressing