i just don't know what to do

little_blackbird

hello there MSE'ers

I have lurked on these forums over the years and picked up so many tips about getting debt-free that we actually managed to do it! So thanks before I start.

But right now I could really do with some advice.

I am at my wits end and just don't know what to do about my DH and his attitude to money. He is a complete spend thift. He never really got on board with clearing the debts- however much i tried, it took seven years and throughout that time I was still trying to offset his "little" splurges. I thought he'd gradually come round.

We managed to get debt-free last summer. It had been a long-haul, we've been trying to raise a family on one income, and faced many ups and downs over the years. We still have to be extremely careful and even without debts there's a lot of no's and can't haves in our household.

Me and DH always argue about money- I feel that he point-blank refuses to accept that he's a grown-up and things just cost, and like wise he thinks I'm a control freak- he calls me the Chancellor, that I don't trust him with money- he's had a bad track record throughout our marriage, but I agreed to stop harassing so much. I try to discuss budgets with him- but its "never the right time".

We seem to go over the same old ground, not getting anywhere.

Well, today its all just exploded- far worse than usual. In one month he's managed to over spend £950. I am devastated. I trusted him and I feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do.

Every time I think we're finally getting ahead he's managed to do it again. He refuses to look at any outgoings and change them for better deals, runs up massive phone bills and generally thinks that the hole in the wall will just keep spewing out cash.

I'm so sick of it. Every month, just when I think we're getting ahead, I find I have to cut back somewhere to offset his spending.

All the contingency and bills money I had set aside for things like- well- everything- I have just used to pay off the debts before they start earning any interest and we start back on that debt-spiral. I suppose I'm lucky that I had any savings to pay this off. At least that's something.

It was gradually turning into a nice little buffer- I really thought we had turned the corner. I was confident we'd have the money to pay for all those things that sneak up on you- it felt so good being free at last.

Its now been reduced to pennies. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for the utility bills, can't get our car back on the road, and I need to fork out for kids shoes. So much other stuff- all just wiped away, all undone in a matter of a month's spending.

I just don't know how long I can go on like this. We shouldn't be struggling like this. We don't have much, and I don't want loads- just the peace of mind that we can get by. But we are always skint. He moans about not being able to afford a house, but doesn't see that we could actually afford to save up for a deposit if he was just a little more canny about his money.

He blows money on "boys toys" and god knows what else, while I'm scrabbling around trying to feed the kids on a tight budget and finding cash to buy them their necessities.

He's not a monster, and in all other respects he's fantastic. Though this lying to me about money, this refusal to engage with me about how to set a budget, accusing me of being a control freak, refusing to look at the balance in the bank, and never getting round to sorting anything out is driving me crazy. The stress is making me ill and I'm wondering how much more I can really take.

Every month it makes me sick- I'm trying so hard to get ahead. I watched my parents nearly get destroyed by debt and as a child I learnt how utterly awful it is to face losing everything, crushed under all this. It truly was horrible. I don't want that for my children- we got caught once, it was manageable and we got free but now it seems I'm never going to be able to give my children the secure future I so desperately want to.

I admit I have a pathological fear of it debt. But getting rid of that shackle was one of the most amazing feelings in my life, but now it feels that its never going to go away. It doesn't seem to make a difference- whatever I say, whatever I do, whether i play nice or scream, I just can't get it through to him that he's got to get to grip with his money.

I just can't go on like this. I love my man I love my family, but right now I don't think he'll ever change. And I just don't know what I'm doing so wrong that he just ignores me on this? Surely I am not over-reacting?

I hope I don't sound sanctimonious about this. I'm no saint either but its just so frustrating, this constant battle. This block in our relationship.

Right now I'm just ready to walk out the door and say to hell with it. I just want to give up trying to do any of this- it just never seems as if we get anywhere. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

Please, if anyone has got any advice I'd really appreciate it. What can i do before help he (or I) destroys this family?

Sorry for such a long post.

Thanks in advance

Little Blackbird

pollywoggle

Hi little blackbird, you sound just like my Daughter in law talking about my son, They split a while ago and now I've managed to get my self in to debt trying to bail him out, have had to say tough now and let him learn the hard way, I'm sorry I cant offer you any advice, but just thought I'd say hello and tell you I know how you feel (((hugs))) :O(

tazzy2010_2

Hi little blackbird,

first of all big hugs

I can empathise with your situation as my DH has some of the same traits. Spending money he doesn't have, not paying stuff back on time, burying his head in the sand and moaning he has no money. I have tried so many things but the only things that actually seemed to work were sitting down and going through a budget and reminding him that we had spent 14,000 in rent over the last two years :eek:
I have also taken out a loan and consolidated his debts for him. It may be wrong but I do have to mother him a bit when it comes to money. Even now he tells me of these great plans to go away with his mates for weekends and I have to gently remind him how far his budget and lack of car will get him.

I think that as you are happy with DH in all other areas you have to sit him down, talk to him and explain until your blue in the face what affect his spending is having on the family.

£950 in one month is horrendously irresponsible. Just remind him how much that could have brought for the kids at Christmas...even a holiday!

Is there any chance you could take any of this stuff he brought back?

Best wishes
Tazzy

stroppyjock

Hi LB , no real advice to give, just sympathy and a "I've been through it" look.

My ex-wife (clue to outcome) was exactly the same,on one ocasion with no food in house, a four year old child and two weeks til pay day I had to raid her penny jar and came up with £14. My wife then went and spent that money on scented candles!

Every year in November life would become unbearable with the build up to Christmas, lots of violence and arguments, but in January when I tried to show her how I could budget and give her the money she would require it was like speaking to a brick wall, turned out I was £42000 in debt and knew nothing about it (she had forged my sig on loans and cc) and had to keep the accounts herself so she could hide the fact.

Anyhoo after clearing the debt I was dumped for a better option, along with a payment of £52000 to her as a divorce settlement (go figure:eek:) which she admitted had gone within 9 months.

You have to speak to your partner, without either party arguing and tell him how you feel and how you can resolve things, if he doesnt listen then you have to seriously rethink your options.

However it has been the best thing that ever happened to me, totally 100% debt free, living to means and have savings, and believe me being in control of your cash and finances changes your life.

Good luck, think hard and do what is right for you and yours.

edit, maybe show him this thread and replies?

elsie52

pollywoggle wrote: »

Hi little blackbird, you sound just like my Daughter in law talking about my son, They split a while ago and now I've managed to get my self in to debt trying to bail him out, have had to say tough now and let him learn the hard way, I'm sorry I cant offer you any advice, but just thought I'd say hello and tell you I know how you feel (((hugs))) :O(

I can relate to that too pollywoggle......my son isn't quite so bad, but would be if daughter-in-law didn't reign him in.!! I think its a Man thing.!! I'll probably get slated now, but I do think men like their toys etc. games. dvd's

Good luck little Blackbird.

dancingfairy

It might be worth trying relate? or another organisation that does counselling for couples - it's meant to be a big cause of aguments in relationships but even so he does sound unreasonable.
Hope you get something sorted.
df

Nargleblast

Hello Little Blackbird and welcome. Hate to say this but if you are hoping to make him change his attitude to finances then you are flogging a dead horse. Something really drastic will have to happen for him to change his ways. Now, how do you organise the family finances? Well, I reckon that you would be better off if you had two accounts in your sole name - one for your personal use and one for all the household bills. Then he can have an account in his sole name. Once his wages have gone in you get him to set up a standing order for an agreed amount that covers his fair share of the household bills and children expenses, this amount to go into your household bills account every month. Then what is left in his account he can spend as he wishes, and you will not nag him about it because it will not be your concern. If he runs out of money in that account before payday, or runs up a hefty overdraft or credit card debt, then tough sh*t, he will have to sort it himself because he won't be able to raid the household bills account as it is in your name! If you can get him to agree to that then you can concentrate on keeping the household finances straight, yourself out of debt, kids fed and clothed. I am sure, once he finds himself in the brown stuff and you not helping him out he will soon change his attitude. Maybe you will make a moneysaver out of him yet!

gonzo127

well what can i say, i am in a very simular situation with my wife not wanting to budget or stick to it however i have to say she is not quite as bad as that, £950 in a month! omg

couple of questions, do you still have credit cards in your house? or is it overdrafts etc, sorry just trying to understand how he has managed to get the £950 together to spend

also do you work and does he work?

how do you 'split' your income and expenditure?

do you run multiple bank accounts/savings account for the different things? and are you able to budget a little bit each month for treats?

anyways just wanting to try and understand a little bit how your organise things so i can try and come up with some ideas for you.

another thing to do would be a shock tactic simular to what you are thinking, do you have a close relitive/friend who lives close-ish by?
could you maybe ask them if you can come and stop at theirs for a week or so, use it as a little holiday for you and the kids. but explain to your husband that you just need to get away for a little bit to try and organise your thoughts as his uncontroled spending is just getting to much for you to allow you to think clearly about

Happytogetdebtfree

Good luck all the best sorting it out

stroppyjock

Thats the way I would go Gonzo, shock tactics. It is really the only thing that will get through.

Problem is LB you get a taste for being in control and then the thought of going back is sickening. But maybe that will be your light bulb moment!

SkintGypsy

Oh Little blackbird! What did he spend all that money on? I am The Chancellor in our house, and I think husband does get a little annoyed at times, but he is totally on board with what I am doing and doesn't seem to mind me asking him what he spent that £10 on that I see he withdrew from the cashpoint, or how much petrol he put in the car.

Whilst he is happy for me to control the money, he really has no interest in the number crunching, so I just tell him if we can afford this or that and he accepts it. He really feels the benefit of the fact that there is usually always money to fix the car, for our summer holiday and for Xmas pressies, without the stress at those regular intervals. I can only imagine how hard it must be working against the tide all the time.

My childhood sounds a lot like yours; lots of debt, financial instability, and coupled with regular redundancies for my Dad, I never felt safe or secure that everything was fine and dandy. I will do everything in my power so that my children will not have to feel that insecurity. It's a fear that runs deep in me too, and I'm lucky that husband understands that and cares enough about my worries to do his bit to help. I have been very honest with him about this, and I think this is maybe why he is so supportive.

Little by little I have turned him into a smug little DFW without him even noticing. He is proud to get the shopping in under budget, snag a bargain online, and he shakes is head at other people's frivolous spending. He even talks about our 'debt free date' yet he has never read this site and has no idea why we call it that. :rotfl:

I do our budget each month and allocate all the money to where it needs to go, including for food and petrol. If there's any left I authorise other spends as they crop up. If not I just tell him things are tight and we need to wait til next month.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he lacks any understanding of where you are at financially, it just sounds like it is unimportant to him.