For fun: How to read a haynes manual

AdrianHi

This turned up on another motoring forum I'm on so you may have seen it before. Made me smile so I thought I'd share. Something to keep in mind if you going to be money saving on car maintenance and decide to DIY

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How to read a Haynes Manual

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you...

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

DaveMacD

So that's why my dad always had a hammer and a set of molegrips in his toolbox

atrixblue.-MFR-.

nothing like a trusty haynes manual a BFH and mole grip set small-meduim-large, and a first aid kit, and your assistant to be completely and utterly car illiterate so when you know you done something embarressing he/she doesnt! and you can back yourself up when the missis blames you for brakeing the part!!


(BFH? i hear you think its a BIG F*****G HAMMER)

iceblue24

absolutely brilliant. thanks for posting this :rotfl::rotfl::beer:
im gonna share this on a couple of car forums im on

cyclonebri1

Heard some before, but a good laugh, I think we've all been there, Nice one Adrian :rotfl::rotfl:

pulliptears

I always liked this one, old, American, but amusing (and true!!) non the less...



How To Change your oil....

Women:
[*]Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
[*]Drink a cup of coffee.
[*]15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
[*]Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
[*]Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
[*]Open a beer and drink it.
[*]Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
[*]Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
[*]In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
[*]Place drain pan under engine.
[*]Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
[*]Give up and use crescent wrench.
[*]Unscrew drain plug.
[*]Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
[*]Clean up.
[*]Have another beer while oil is draining.
[*]Look for oil filter wrench.
[*]Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
[*]Beer.
[*]Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
[*]Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
[*]Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
[*]Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
[*]Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
[*]Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
[*]Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
[*]Remember drain plug from step 11.
[*]Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
[*]Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
[*]Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
[*]Bang head on floor board in reaction.
[*]Begin cussing fit.
[*]Throw wrench.
[*]Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
[*]Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
[*]Beer.
[*]Beer.
[*]Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
[*]Beer.
[*]Lower car from jack stands.
[*]Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
[*]Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
[*]Drive car.

anewman

I seem to have a knack of dropping oil filters which usually end up splashing the oil in the drain pan everywhere

goldspanners

anewman wrote: »

I seem to have a knack of dropping oil filters which usually end up splashing the oil in the drain pan everywhere

i do this occasionally on awkward machines, handling a red hot slippy oil filter while twisting your arm like a contortionist never usually ends well.

catflea

I just punch a hole in the filter and allow it to drain before removal. Saves a lot of faff.....

cyclonebri1

Did once put a drain pan under the sump,..............simply fogot to take the bung out of the inlet hole

goldspanners

catflea wrote: »

I just punch a hole in the filter and allow it to drain before removal. Saves a lot of faff.....

thats ok if you can access the filter.

i know a guy that done this once, he hit it so hard he snapped the threaded end that the filter screws on to.