i dont knoiw which way to go very messy

kickingkay

ok me and hubby have had problems for yrs always try and sort it but this time ive had enough a month ago we fell out and he smashed up the front door leaving me trying to get it fixed,
well yesturday was his siters wedding now bear in mind this is the messy bit one of his sisters hasnt spoken to me in 6 yrs we dont get on which is fine have no probs with that but because of that we dont go to his mums when they are there etc, anyway my daughter was bridesmaid and she was at this sisters house getting here hair done we had to collect her on the way,
right hubby goes into the house to collect her then returns saying they are running late so i said ok, sat listening to the radio,well 5 mins passed and he said , "you will have to come in she is going to be ages", well with all due respect this women hates me and she hadnt invited me into her home so i declined "i cant go in their mark its s****n's home it would be rude", anyuway he exploded on me "i knew you would start today", i hadnt started anything i declined so it didnt start something!i was totally fine about sitting in the car it wasnt a problem for me right so he took our youngest and my other son sat in the car with me,
well when he got back o told him how much he hurt me by thinking i was being funny etc, and he let rip you ruined my birthday if your not getting centre of attention you have to ruin it for eeryone i was in tears by now driving to the which by now i felt totally dejected and not fit to go to,
we pull up and i said he owed me an apology whcih he clarly wasnt going to give me so i got out the car(make up ruined)and offered to collect him and the children later he clearly didnt want me to go, at this point he through me back in th ecar calling me all the names under the sun in front of the kids again!
so you see im now at the next point in my life i need out but if i go ( i was made to leave last time with the children into rented accomodation, because i (in his eyes) was having an affair which i hadnt actually done although i was talking to a guy i met for a long time but i hadnt actually done anything
anyway 8 months later me and mark got back together and i moved back into the marital home hense why his sister wont talk to me
but going back to it i have done nothing wrong he is like jeckle and hyde and i cant cope anymore im grateful for the times when he is being nice to me and im not saying he is abusing me im saying he has completly destryed my strength and fit in me he wont leave and i dont feel i should have to between us we owe 80 k £45537. is mine
now i know from before he is bad to make child maintanence payments and i just dont know how i will be able to cope or where to start, if i have to leave again i am likely to go back to somerset where im from but then he is insistant i leave him with the kids they are my babies our daughter wont go with him and my middle son doesnt want to have to chose and then we have a baby who adores his dad, but i still wont give them up he is using it as a weapon to kepp me here
im sorry i dont know what to do

looby75

Have you thought about going for marriage guidance? It sounds as though you both have a lot of issues that need to be worked through.

((((hugs))))

newleaf

He sounds like a bully to me, and you would be better off without him. He has been physically aggressive and verbally abusive to you in front of the children. You would have no problem getting custody. I suspect you probably know the answer is to leave, but it's hard to take that step, I know. You have invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship, but it is not getting any better, is it? I send you a very big ((((((( hug ))))))) and hope you can reach a decision before anyone gets really hurt.

lynzpower

oooh huney what a nightmare

I really dont know what to suggest but I will say this

im saying he has completly destryed my strength

Poppycock hun. You are fighting back, dont forget that. Even by considering alternatives to the way you are living now they are testament to your strength. Your ability to say, you know what Im not living like this. That is strength.

Do you think your OH will consider marriage guidance? It does seem things have been crap for a while and even if splitting up is the outcome, maybe it can be done without fur flying and decisions being made together about how to move on. I think, even if hs not keen, you might want to use this space at relate to think through your options and gather your thoughts.

Massive hug to you
Lynzxxx

chick-chick

((((hugs)))

It's not good that he is making you feel like this, and it's definately not good for the children to see/hear all of this. I don't know what to suggest, but try and keep strong for you and the children, whatever you decide.

sanfrancisco

You need more information. Forwarned is forarmed. Your relunctance to leave (which it sounds like you want to do), is partly stemming from fear of the unknown. Would you be able to visit CAB to see what benefits you would be entitled to? Or you could ring http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ to find out about alternative accommodation? Could you more in with relatives in the short term? Good Luck and keep posting, there will always be people who can help and listen and cry with you on here.

kickingkay

lynzpower wrote:

oooh huney what a nightmare

I really dont know what to suggest but I will say this

Poppycock hun. You are fighting back, dont forget that. Even by considering alternatives to the way you are living now they are testament to your strength. Your ability to say, you know what Im not living like this. That is strength.

Do you think your OH will consider marriage guidance? It does seem things have been crap for a while and even if splitting up is the outcome, maybe it can be done without fur flying and decisions being made together about how to move on. I think, even if hs not keen, you might want to use this space at relate to think through your options and gather your thoughts.

Massive hug to you
Lynzxxx

thankyou so much for this statement!
yes i do want to leave him im worried because of the debt i dont know how i will manage!, i dont want to lose my home ever!, but he is not going to go
i have to decide whether moving into rented accomadtion is the answer, and what help i might get (well ive checked how much money i should get and it would be enough so now i have to decide do i do the big im leaving you speech or do i start to save for a new start and say nothing?
mariage guiodance we did that yrs ago and they told mark he had anger issues he needed to deal with, i remember him being so in love and me being so inlove now we are barely physical, and we share nothing incommon, or anything anymore, he has become very self absorbed and blames me for everything going wrong in his life,
i needed for some one outside to tell me what i already know, ive even started to doubt my own mind, but im no good at lying so if his mum and dad asks me i feel i would tell them and then i would have to contend with them,
i had a really bad year last year and had very little support from my husband and had to fight on my own,
on my wedding day we went back to our first home he opened the door and let his family in, i was standing on the door waiting toi be carried over my threshold, my dad aske dme on the day are you sure this is what you wnat had i known all i know now i would have declined but hinesight is a wonderful thing, but i do have the right for happiness now

Emmzi

Kay,

when you are in the middle of being abused, you sometimes can't see it-it becomes 'normal'.

Now I only have your side of the story, but it sounds like you are being made to 'pay' for your 'affair'.

Would I want to raise my kids with that example? Hell no.
Would I stay with a man who kicked doors in? Hell no.
Would I stay with a man who belittled me in front of my kids? Hell no.

I'd rather bite the bullet and go bankrupt. It's psychological domestic violence.

Visit here http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ for information and help.

sanfrancisco

kickingkay wrote:

but i do have the right for happiness now

ABSOLUTELY!!!!

And don't let anyone tell you anything different.

sanfrancisco

Emmzi wrote:

I'd rather bite the bullet and go bankrupt. It's psychological domestic violence.

Visit here http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ for information and help.

I agree. I would rather go bankrupt and start again.

It sounds like it is more than psychological domestic violence (not that that is not terrible) if he is throwing her against the car.

lou_lou_skinty_poos

big hugs to you i can tell your in a bad place right now but the last statement you made was spot on you have a right to be happy and i cant imagine your kids want to see their mum shouted at and pushed around so maybe leaving is the best for them and you leave the house just get out if you have to make yourself bankrupt its over in a year as a last resort. i think ther worst thing about the debt we all have is that it restricts our lives and keeps us in places or relationships we dont want to be in thats the real cruelty of debt. look after yourself and let us know how your getting on