Advice re: child anger issues please

true27

Hi Guys,

I'm a regular over on DFW and occaisionally lurk over here, and I'm after some help/advice/ideas.

Its regarding my son, who is 9. I'm very worried he might have an anger issue. In fact, after last night when he yelled and screamed and cried and threatened suicide, I'm pretty certain there is a problem.

Bit of background - DB is an only child and my son from my first marriage which ended 5 years ago. His father is an angry person and our marriage broke down after 8 years of physical, mental and sexual abuse towards me. I have recently remarried (4 months ago) and his dad is getting remarried later this year. I must say that DB was harmed by his father, but obviously will have picked up on the problems between us.

Three years ago, DB was referred to a local Child Services run scheme, which aims to help children with anger/behavioural issues and works with the family to assist the child in understanding what has happened in their lives, by his infants school. His father refused point blank to be included. However DB completed the 6 month programme with success and I have continued to use the techniques I learnt to help him with the adjustments of both mine and his father's new relationships.

18 months ago, I had a relapse from my previously controlled depression. I developed agrophobia and unfortunately DB witnessed me having panic attacks on several occasions. I am on the mend now though, and I'm making a concerted effort to pick up where I left off with spending time and having "Mom and Me" time with DB.

I am incredibly concerned about his anger outbursts, especially the threats to kill himself or harm himself in other ways. He has also started telling lies, which are getting him into trouble and he is picking on children at school and lashing out at them. I've spoken to him as calmly as I can, but this is testing me. I have an appointment at school for next Monday, but I could really use any ideas or advice that you guys might have.

I am worried that he may do something to hurt himself, he gets so upset and its breaking my heart.

Sorry if this is the wrong place

Mupette

Is there a possibility that he is being bullied at school?

Does he still have contact with his dad, is his dad harming him?

aliasojo

true27 wrote: »

Three years ago, DB was referred to a local Child Services run scheme, which aims to help children with anger/behavioural issues and works with the family to assist the child in understanding what has happened in their lives, by his infants school.

Clearly there are still issues, could he be referred again perhaps? I think he needs more help and best to seek it now before things get even more out of hand.

snowmaid

Please don't think I am being critical, I am only asking questions which you need to ask yourself. You don't even have to post your answers.

If he witnessed panic attacks, he may feel vulnerable and scared. Children usually thrive when their parents are in control.

I see that you are with a new husband. It is very easy to pay attention to the new husband and think that our children are ok, when in effect without realising it they are being 'neglected'. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself are you spending enough quality time with him or is he being pushed aside without you realising it.

Perhaps start with putting him into a gentle routine, set time aside for you and him to spend together, as well as time for all of you to spend together. Does your new husband and him get on? Perhaps try encourage the two of them to spend more time together, doing 'man' things such as fishing etc.

Your child could be feeling left out and not quite feeling as if he belongs.

Of course, you also need to find out if there are perhaps other issues at play here, such as bullying etc. Good luck. It is heartbreaking.

Errata

Talk to your GP about your son as a matter of urgency. Threats of self harm and suicide by a young child should always be taken extremely seriously and professional help is just that - help for a child which is professional, knowledgeable and skilled.

Becles

I've had problems with my son who is now 11. My Gran and one of his friends both died suddenly within weeks of each other, his birth Dad moved away, my ex-FIL cut contact with us, he was struggling with written work at school and a couple of other things. He got angry easily as he was struggling to cope with it all.

My GP referred us to a service called CAMHS. We've had a number of sessions where he's explored why things make him angry and things he can do to control his temper. Some of it involved playing games and sometimes it was me and the lady talking about when we get angry and what we do to difuse it. It's really helped and he's a lot better now. We've talked about all the stuff that happened and it's helped him deal with stuff.

true27

Mupette wrote: »

Is there a possibility that he is being bullied at school?

Does he still have contact with his dad, is his dad harming him?

I think thats a high possibility although having spoken to the school by telephone, they seem to think it is "unlikely he would be a victim of bullying" - whatever that is supposed to mean!

He does still see his dad, and I know his home life there is very different than with me. I don't think his dad could be harming him, although I think his dad certainly bullies him because that is just in his father's nature.

true27

aliasojo wrote: »

Clearly there are still issues, could he be referred again perhaps? I think he needs more help and best to seek it now before things get even more out of hand.

Oh I completely agree. Unfortunately Social Services in Cornwall have schemes for children up to the age of 7 (the one he's already taken part in) and another for children of 11 - 14. Nothing in between, they just suggest that you deal directly with the school.

true27

snowmaid wrote: »

Please don't think I am being critical, I am only asking questions which you need to ask yourself. You don't even have to post your answers.

If he witnessed panic attacks, he may feel vulnerable and scared. Children usually thrive when their parents are in control.

I see that you are with a new husband. It is very easy to pay attention to the new husband and think that our children are ok, when in effect without realising it they are being 'neglected'. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself are you spending enough quality time with him or is he being pushed aside without you realising it.

Perhaps start with putting him into a gentle routine, set time aside for you and him to spend together, as well as time for all of you to spend together. Does your new husband and him get on? Perhaps try encourage the two of them to spend more time together, doing 'man' things such as fishing etc.

Your child could be feeling left out and not quite feeling as if he belongs.

Of course, you also need to find out if there are perhaps other issues at play here, such as bullying etc. Good luck. It is heartbreaking.

Hi Snowmaid - I don't think you critical at all, I welcome all ideas that anyone may have.

I agree about him witnessing the panic attacks have worried him, I know they have, he's spoken to my Mum and my husband about it - he's also said how happy he is that I can take him out and don't get upset so much anymore so hopefully he's picked up on the fact that I'm getting better.

We do have a routine as a family where DB and I have time alone and my husband and DB also have time alone together. I think (vague I know) DB and hubby get on, they certainly did until we married at least. I have noticed that the problems have got worse since we married and things have appaeared strained between him and hubby, but I put that down to hubby being so completely different from his dad! Will have to look into this further.

I think you certainly have a point about DB feeling like he doesn't belong, I've spent a lot of time turning his bedroom into a space for him - I thought that with all the changes going on it would be good for him to have somewhere just for him to remain constant throughout everything else. Was this a good or bad thing to do? Have I encouraged him to be insular and bottle things up?

true27

Errata wrote: »

Talk to your GP about your son as a matter of urgency. Threats of self harm and suicide by a young child should always be taken extremely seriously and professional help is just that - help for a child which is professional, knowledgeable and skilled.

Thanks Errata - the only reason I haven't is because (up until yesterday anyhow) I've wondered how much is him running out of other things to scream at me and he knows I'll react to threats of that nature. I'm now fairly certain he's not being flippant and will make an appointment as a matter of urgency.

true27

Becles wrote: »

I've had problems with my son who is now 11. My Gran and one of his friends both died suddenly within weeks of each other, his birth Dad moved away, my ex-FIL cut contact with us, he was struggling with written work at school and a couple of other things. He got angry easily as he was struggling to cope with it all.

My GP referred us to a service called CAMHS. We've had a number of sessions where he's explored why things make him angry and things he can do to control his temper. Some of it involved playing games and sometimes it was me and the lady talking about when we get angry and what we do to difuse it. It's really helped and he's a lot better now. We've talked about all the stuff that happened and it's helped him deal with stuff.

That sounds very similar to the scheme he was enrolled on before which really worked. I'll ask my GP if there is anything like this locally.

Thank you, and I'm glad your son is much better