Rant about DH yet again!!

debtfreeplease_3

Morning all.:hello:

Totally peed off this morning because of oh yet again. dh has just changed jobs to a one with lesser money (but in the long run it has better opportunnites for promotion) the problem is, is that a few months ago we had major argument and this led to him changing his wages over to his old bank account (never ben used but was in the red with it ) he never told me that his wages wasnt going in the joint account until the night before the mortgage and all the bills was coming out!!! So when he phoned up the bank to transfer the money over needless to say that they would only transfer monies that was spare after the overdraft was cleared, so now their wasn't enough for mortgage bills food etc, so again we went in the red with this account and accured a massive £300.00 bank charges.!!!:eek: So now every time wages goes in the account a big chunk of it goes straight to the bank.

Now this month i thought it was time to take a hold of it all and i cancelled majority of direct debits and up until last week i was only £19.00 in the red (this wouldnt of incured any charges) and dh still got paied in his old account (has he never changed his wages over for them months) so anyway his wages from old work went into this account and only got enough money to cover the mortgage so i told him pay that on the day your money went in so it wouldnt come out of joint account. He didnt do this because he didnt have time has he was looking after kids!! (how do everyone else makes phone calls with kids!!!!) So however now the mortgage has come out of joint acc, and so has other bills (which their would of been enough monies in to pay these) and now back in the red again with £90.00 worth of bank charges:mad: . Now i told him to cancel all dd's in the acc over the internet has dont want to get more charges and theres no money going into the acc until end of next month where he will get his first pay from new job but going to be less than what he orginally on.

The thing whats doing my head in is that hes totally flippant of it all, i tried to talk about it with him last night saying that if he had payed the mortgage when i asked him these charges would'nt of incured his reply ' so what im not bothered anymore im not even thinking or worrying about money ' :wall: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH i could of swung for him at this point has i thought yeah you go to work that you love so much and ill stay at home with kids waiting for these bills coming in now demanding money that i know we just dont have and ill have alll the worry for myself. How selfish is he.

Now im thinking is this all worth it having a big mortgate and debt around my neck for what if i was to give it all up could i just go to rented accomadation?? I just dont what to do i feel like im carrying this on my own shoulders and i know i cant truly speak to my husband, but more than him going to work full time theirs nothing more he can do and these are the words he would tell me when i do try and talk to him. We are already on a dmp so the debt thing is sort of under control, we do have 2 cars 1 with finance on the other old one we own so i asked him to contact the finance company to get rid of that car has we dont need 2 now (he works closer to home) i asked him 2 weeks ago to do this and guess what?...... he still hasnt done it he doesnt have time!!!

I dont know what to do anymore i work part time myself and try and do extra on a night to so we dont have to pay extra for childminding hence this is why he doesnt have time on a night to make his phone calls because he has the kids.

Anyway thanks for reading and taking the time to read my rant

8pnoodles

I'm not sure what to suggest but it sounds like you have major communication issues.

Have you ever sat down and worked out together a plan for your finances, one you both agree with? I say together cos at the moment it sounds like you're doing all the planning and managing and he has to do everything you say. Not trying to be nasty, I had this habit with my ex!

I did find out (eventually) that my ex hated talking to big companies on the phone, he actually had a phobia about it. Is it really that your bloke doesn't care about money or is there something deeper going on? It kinda sounds like whatever he does he'll get shouted at for it, so he might as well not bother (trying to see this from a bloke's viewpoint).

I've learnt the hard way that men respond to praise (think like dog training - reward them when they do good stuff!) and not often to nagging/general complaints.

If he really doesn't care about money at all, have you asked him what he'd rather have spent the money for the bank charges on instead?

I do think you need to sit down and work out a joint plan though, so you are both happy, you're both clear about what's going on, and hopefully then there'd be no more arguments.

***hugs***

For the record, I understand completely how frustrating men can be, hang in there. Have you considered going to relate either on your own or with him? Surely if you are unhappy about all this he must be unhappy too. Money is one of the main reasons couples argue. I hope you get it all sorted out.

calleyw

I ask this question have no idea if you know the answer. But how does his parents run there affairs.

Is it all down to his mother.

I wonder if that why he is like he is. Wants to leave it up to you rather than deal with it himself.

If you do keep on at him it will be seen as nagging. I think you need to sit down with all the paper work and show how this is costing you as a family by doing what he does. It needs to be done in this way it cost us £90 in charges which means that you can't have X and Y this month as we just can't afford it. Or say that you are going to have eat beans on toast for August as that most of the grocery money gone.

Maybe and then maybe it might get through to him.

I mean you should see the look on my husband's face whenh I tell him we need to a review in costs. You would think that I had just asked him to walk the great wall of china in bare feet :rotfl:

All the best. I know it is hard not to get angry. But that will just push him further away on this issue.


Yours


Calley

elantan

ive always found when my hubby did things that annoyed me (pre l.b.m days)i would go out and spend approx £1000 on myself and say well if youdon't care neither do i ..that didn't help ...only got us into more debt ..now i wait till he say's ..i'm off to the pub/swimming etc ..where's the money ...and i'm like what money ...oh youmean the money you would rather give the bank ..they've got it ....i know it can be nasty and i know sometimes i have to treat him like a child (i do alot worse but don't want to write it here) but if he behaves in an irresponsible manner then i have to treat him in the same way i would my kid ...thankfully my hubby has now started to understand it all ..but it wasn't easy...but it worked ..good luck with it ..calley w say's it's down to his mum ..i disagree with that ..yes she may influence him in some things ..but if you let him away with it ..you are letting him know that that behaviour is acceptable to you

frak

I think its worng seperate these issues into a gender thing. Its no more the responsibility of a woman or man over the other and just that men are frustrating is no more valid than saying women are too. The key is it is a joint responsibility and i see no mileage in exploring which one of his parents did all the financial planning etc. The fact is you both have to do and make sure its done fairly and agreeably. Also its important how and what you say to each other. You said you tried to talk to him about it, actually you said to him if he had done this and that then there wouldnt have been any charges. He probably realised that and this just sounds like i told you so. A better way would be to put it that ok its happened but lets look at a way it wont happen again, ie moving dd's around and stuff. There is enough pressure in this situation so its best to try and dissipate with postivity. I'm not for one minute condoning his actions but he probably feels guilty anyway so dont make it any worse. If you want to discuss it then make sure it is a two way thing and not just telling him off.

tesuhoha

Maybe you should say to him if you dont care about the money why dont you let me take charge of it and I promise we'll be better off? You can also apply to get those bank charges back if you look on the main site. Seriously, if he takes that immature attitude to money then he should not be the one dealing with it so if you can persuade him this nicely without a fight and make him realise this truth then it will be a step in the right direction

calleyw

frak wrote:

I think its worng seperate these issues into a gender thing. Its no more the responsibility of a woman or man over the other and just that men are frustrating is no more valid than saying women are too. The key is it is a joint responsibility and i see no mileage in exploring which one of his parents did all the financial planning etc.

Yes it is about joint responsibility. But I fail to see why you are dragging gender in to it.

The point I was making which you seemed to have missed totally or just gone totally over your head. Was that if one person say OP OH mother did all the financial things in the household. He may seem it as being his partners job to do the same not saying that it right.

It could have been the other way that his father dealed with all the financial things. So would take those task on themselves.

I am sure if you look around and ask people you will find loads of couples both young and old where only one of the partners looks after the money and knows what goes on. And if you say why they will say because that is the way it was in my parents house. Don't think that is a gender thing just something that has happened.

You ask older divorced woman who don't know that there ex's have salted away a lot money and what was going on. You ask them why they did not know. Well it's my husbands job to look after the money as my father did.

It has nothing to do with gender. Both men and woman both have equal chances of being good or bad with money. If someone cames from a single parent family they only have one parent to learn from. It could be either there mother or father where bad at money. So is that a gender thing? Nope. The fact is that they only had one parent to teach them no matter the gender.

Now if I said that all men where rubbish with money that is both sexist and a gender thing. But don't think I did said that

Yours


Calley

frak

I neither missed the point nor did it go over my head i understood what you meant and i was purposefully not referring to any individual post, so there is no need to be patronising. I was trying to highlight that some people see it as men being awkward or frustrating but that it actually applies to both men and women it just depends on your perspective. I used ot have an ex who when we woke in the morning would immediately start talking about bills that needed paying. She thought i was being frustrating that it put me in a bad mood and i thought she was being unreasonable as i hadnt even got out of bed, lol makes me laugh now anyway but i digress. The whole point that we wer eboth trying to make is that they need to communicate and address the issues and not start blaming each other but look for ways for things to not build up or happen again.

lynsayjane

when i had a partner living here i did all the financial stuff, but as the house was in my name along it was my responsibility. if i'd been in the situation of the op there is a high probability that i would have flattened my husband. being in debt is a horrible millstone around your neck affecting everything you do and to have a partner who is jointly responsible for that debt merely making things worse...hit him till he not only promises to do better, but till he ACTUALLY does better.

violence is not the answer to every problem, but sometimes it helps!

Iriahm

(((HUGS))) hey, i think you are either in it together or you are not. Im not married but i do have a darling OH who on occassions drives me MAD when it comes to money!

he has to take responsibility for his actions otherwise it is very serious for you as a family unit. I am starying financially seperate from OH until i've sorted out my finances, but parents had 1 account that joint bills came out of and each had their own spending and savings accounts. this seems to have worked well for them and let them keep their independence.

keep posting to relieve the pressure - we know what its like!!

melt71

You made a very good point there Calleyw. Something I'd never thought of before but it all makes perfect sense now you put it like that!