Feeling used and let down by daughter....

whenelephantsfly

My 19 YO DD stopped speaking to me for 2 years. Just like that. I tried to get in contact with her everyone said they had not heard from her and she had no landline number and mobile just rang out. If I asked the rest of my family had heard from her they would say no.

Last year, while not speaking, I found out that she was at my sisters and the whole family did not tell me because it was 'a secret'. I have a brother and sister that do not speak to me and they think this was a brilliant way to get back at me (believe it or not!!).

Someone emailed me and told me she was 'in town', I asked my mother and younger sister if they knew and they lied. My brother went balisitic at the person he thought told me she was visting as 'it was none of my business'. I was devasted they could lie about something as important as that and have since not had a great deal of contact with my family since, my sister is due to get married but I cannot face going because of the humiliation of what they have done to me and that my whole family knows.

Eventually spoke to DD and said I wanted to speak/see her. Initially she said no because I would just 'go on about it' [why we was no speaking] and I promised I would not, a line would be drawn under it and we could move forward. I was true to my word.

A few weeks later we met and she apologised because everything was her fault and that she had blown thing out of proportion and that she was sorry. I was surprised but said it was fine and as promised a line would be drawn under things and we could start again.

However, since then it goes like this: I sent her money for her birthday - I got a thank you by FB message. I sent her lots of Xmas presents - I got a thank you 5 days later and her phone was unavailable all over Xmas. I tried to call and there was no answer. She later said she had 'lost' her mobile but did not tell me the new number, I could not call or text since Xmas and she recently gave me the number. I never got a birthday or Xmas card, let alone anything else.

And today is Mothers Day. No text or email, no call, no card. Nothing. Surely it is not too much to ask for, if we are re-bulding bridges that she could just send a text to say Happy Mothers Day? It is not selfish of me to think that is it?

I am feeling really let down and disappointed and wondered where I go from here as I am really trying but I am getting nothing back.

Here is the biggie though, for part of her Xmas present I said I would take her to the theatre. However, I feel like I am being taken for a mug as this particular show is very expensive and I would be paying for someone to come with me who really is not interested in going with me only wants what she can get from me. And that really hurts and I've had enough.

Does anyone have any advice for me, please as I do not know which way to turn at the moment. Should I give her longer before booking and should I be honest as to why or should I just book it anyway?

Person_one

Why did she stop speaking to you originally?

whenelephantsfly

She told me that she texted me and I did not reply..... that is it apparently. She told me she was sorry because she blew things out of proportion.

Person_one

Have you considered going to see a counsellor to help to help you talk through your feelings about your relationship with your daughter? You can't fix the situation on your own but a professional might be able to help you come to terms with things so that you feel able to keep the door open as it were, without suffering the emotional roller coaster every time things go awry.

sazzybum

I'm sorry when. Please don't think this sounds harsh....but we only have your side of the story. Who knows what has happened in the past, or what your DD has been told by others.

I know my ex thought he had done nothing wrong but telling his estranged son to 'rot in hell' because he had missed a few phone calls-was wrong-although I held my tongue.

Is there anything at all that might have caused this you think? Anything? You know what teenagers are like, they pick up on anything.

From my experience, all you can do is keep sending the cards, keep sending the presents....and yes-book the theatre. If she doesn't go-take a friend! Please do everything you can, even though it feels as if it's not appreciated.

Thinking of you-please keep us updated. x

whenelephantsfly

Thanks, I am not sure a counsellor would help to be honest, he/she is not going to be able to tell me the right thing to do. Just talk thorugh my feelings - I guess I am asking what the right thing to do is.

I totally understand what you are saying sazzy, I do know what teenagers are like and I know you only have one side but she only contacts me when she wants to know about the theatre trip and this is irking me a bit.

If I took out the word daughter and put the word friend in people would say that she was not much of a friend.....

I've not got much of a relationship with my own family, who in turn have not got much a relationship with theirs - I really hoped I could change this vicious circle.

lolababy

Hi how about writing a letter telling her how much you care about her and that you will always be there. Try not to blame as it will put your relationship even further apart.
As for presents I would not send them but encourage her to contact you so you can both go shopping for her gift.

BitterAndTwisted

I think you should forget all about the theatre trip and tell your daughter that it's not now possible to go next time she asks about it. Then, you'll know either way whether she's in contact with you for what she can get out of it or for other reasons. You can't buy a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be bought.

whenelephantsfly

Thank you for the replies. I'll sleep on this tonight I think. My head is swimming. I did speak to my friends about this a few weeks back.

B&T, It does feel like this, that I am trying to buy her to like me - when actually she has no intention of having a relationship with me.

I did not think about that with the gifts in that we buy them together, great idea. Thank you.

I think I will make up an excuse about the date I had initially asked for and say something has come up and I'll have to re-arrange and see what happens from there.

I hate myself for putting it off but I hate myself equally for trying to buy her into liking me.

Errata

HTH - counselling will help you sort out actions and a way forward as well as your thoughts and emotions. Don't dismiss it out of hand, it could be a great source of help.

Apricot

I wouldn't book the theatre and if she gets in touch just tell her that as you hadn't heard from her you thought that she didn't want to go.
IMO it's no use !!!!!footing around in case you upset her again as otherwise she will continue to exploit the situation.
Is there a family member/friend who you are both close to who could act as a sort of mediator? To find out what is wrong with your DD causing her to behave like this.

I have some idea of what you're going through, my sister didn't speak to my mum for almost two years - apart from xmas, birthday and when she needed things. My sis was living with her dads family (who dislike my mum a lot) and after a huge row with them she had to turn back to my mum. It was made clear to her that she had a lot of making up to do and now, it's almost as if it didn't happen.

Good luck OP I hope you manage to sort the situation out xx