Redundancy - tearful!!

sagalout1954

OK, redundancy looks a dead cert. Need to deal with all the issues without constantly getting tearful (female - sorry braver ladies). I know this sound 'frivolous' but I need some tips on how to get a grip and deal with all this in a more matter of fact way.

Every time someone asks how I am or says something in a kind or sympathetic way I 'fill up'. Starting to feel a prat, particularly when it's HR, union rep or managers who I need to speak to in a less emotional, more detached way. (Apart from the fact that I loathe giving them the satisfaction of seeing how upset I am - would rather give off an 'am I bovvered' air.)

PS Tried having a good cry so my emotions wouldn't remain just below the surface therefore more able to bubble up when I least want them to - hasn't really helped.

How can I 'detach'?

dickydonkin

sagalout1954 wrote: »

OK, redundancy looks a dead cert. Need to deal with all the issues without constantly getting tearful (female - sorry braver ladies). I know this sound 'frivolous' but I need some tips on how to get a grip and deal with all this in a more matter of fact way.

Every time someone asks how I am or says something in a kind or sympathetic way I 'fill up'. Starting to feel a prat, particularly when it's HR, union rep or managers who I need to speak to in a less emotional, more detached way. (Apart from the fact that I loathe giving them the satisfaction of seeing how upset I am - would rather give off an 'am I bovvered' air.)

PS Tried having a good cry so my emotions wouldn't remain just below the surface therefore more able to bubble up when I least want them to - hasn't really helped.

How can I 'detach'?

You cannot help the way you feel. Redundancy is a very stressfull and emotional time for everyone - not just the ladies.

I had to accompany many colleagues as their representative when their department was closed and they were made redundant. The majority were female and I can assure you, nearly all of them shed tears - so don't feel that you are more emotional that others.

How can you detach? - that is a difficult question - particularly with redundancy as your head will undoubtedly be spinning.

You will get some advice off this and other forums and keep communicating with your union rep to ensure you are up to date on what is happening.

Get your CV sorted and make sure you register with jobseekers straight away. These activities will keep you busy, but I appreciate it will be a difficult time for you.

Try to be positive and don't worry about being emotional - you will come to terms with it and be all the stronger for the experience.

Good Luck

annie-c

I agree with the advice above. Your emotional responses are part of who you are and may also be a product of other experiences you have had in your life. I say this from similar experience, so I really do sympathise.

It will probably not be easy for you to 'learn' techniques for how to cope differently while you are under such considerable stress as this and I would recommend that you don't put additional stress on yourself by giving yourself a hard time over your tearfulness. As the poster above says, crying in response to redundancy is absolutely normal. There is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing surprising that this is the way you are reacting.

If the tearfulness is getting in the way of your being able to listen and fully take in all the information that is being presented to you in formal settings then I would suggest that you may be able to 'manage' that situation by taking a notebook and pen with you, jotting down important questions before you go in to meetings, and writing notes of what is said to you. This will give you something to focus your mind on and may help distract you from the intense emotion for a while. Otherwise, do take someone in to meetings with you and allow them to speak for you and write notes, if that is allowed.

My advice, after going through something similar is that, no matter how bad you feel and how upset you are, please try to keep up some sort of social life, even the odd coffee with a family member or friend. There is so much more to you than the part of your life as 'paid employee' and for the sake of your mental health you neeed to remind yourself of all that you are. You are infinitely valuable and you will get through this. I know that it may not feel that way right now, but I believe that it is true (and I am grateful that I had a friend who said that to me at my lowest point when I went through something similar and had lost all self-confidence.

Take care and post here often if it helps xx

Newbiesw

Rather than seeing it as the "End" of something, try to see it as the "Start" of something new ?
I'm also in the same situation (like many others) with redundancy in the next 6 months.
After the initial shock of the news and the "God, what am I going to do?" stage, I have managed to turn it around to something positive.
Like many others, you can get stuck in a rut, the job becomes routine, tedious, boring and you only go to work to get paid, not for any job satisfaction.
A lot of people don't like big changes so its easier to stay in the "safe" boring job than the hassle of looking for something more exciting/interesting, until your hand is forced with redundancy.
I don't know your personal feelings, you may love your job, but you may love the next one better !

Newbiesw

MargieL

I went through redundancy last year when the small Woolies branch I had worked in for 14 years closed. All the team were devastated and we all coped in different ways. The hardest thing for all of us was playing it out in public, lots of loyal and lovely customers coming in every day to sympathise with us would just set us off again. For me, my Mum was seriously ill at the time with a brain tumour (thankfully now recovered) so it put things in perspective and I coped better than most of the others. Ironically the lady who by far took it the worst (who we had to almost physically prise off the windowsill she was clinging to when the doors shut for the last time) got another job first, and has since met the man of her dreams (at the workplace) and had just got engaged!

It is really sad for you and if you weren't emotional about it you wouldn't be human.

Try to remain positive, there are plenty of opportunities and some things happen for a reason in the end.

Margie x

74jax

I am so sorry to hear of your news. I was recently made redundant from the Halifax. We had 90 days notice we were being sold and as we were a bank we had to still serve all the customers who were so kind, however there kindness made me 'well up' all the time. They seemed to constantly ask 'have you got another job yet?'.

As has been said, if you weren't affected you wouldn't be human. Try not to take it personally, it's not against 'you' as a person, it's about company figures.

You can take this time to do you CV, look for other jobs, plan how you're going to cope financially etc.

On speaking to other people, your HR for example, I did this via email. That way I had copies of what was said if I needed it and I could delete and re-write. Sometime what you hear you don't remember in times like this and so if it's written down in an email you can't misunderstand or forget.

Deep breathes before you meet people can help and try and have a coffee if you're in a meeting, that way if you feel you're getting upset or uptight swallowing may help.

We are all hear to offer support, so please feel free to question us all over anything regarding this.

sagalout1954

Thank you all very much. I recognise many of the things that have been said and confess that this job of several years has been completely unsatisfactory for the last couple.

Rather than 'fly under the radar' I have commented many times on how unproductively I'm expected to spend quite a chunk of my time. Why have skills, experience and a conscientious nature if it isn't going to be properly utilised.

Seems I've been the architect of my own downfall - instead of finding work/tasks to 'push' me more and get better value for their money, my bl**dy post got cut. That'll teach me to keep my big mouth shut and develop lazy'itis instead. Perhaps it's an old fashioned attitude to assume one should be expected to deliver value for money.

Ah well, appears I may have to 'go with the tearful flow' for a bit (though I do keep feeling I ought to get a grip and move forward). Think I'll focus on taking advantage of any/absolutely ALL the courses (IT anyway) the company have on offer - spend the next couple of months refreshing the skills they have been wasting. My confidence could do with the boost.

Perhaps if I can work at taking the advice that this could be viewed as a new chapter (& work out the finances properly), I might feel more upbeat and positive............and stop welling up every time someone's tone of voice is remotely sympathetic. Thanks all.

happywarmgun

You're getting good advice from the folk above. It's a change in your life and not one you planned for - but that doesn't mean it has to be a 'bad' change.

Survey after survey shows that within two years the majority of folk believe they are in a much happier place then they were before they got made redundant. In my own case, even six months after I finished - my life is better by every meaningful measure (except salary - but I'm not sure how 'meaningful a measure that is anyway).

A new chapter of your life is ahead. It's an opportunity. Good luck.

marydot

I went through redundancy last year also. I totally agree with happywarmgun, many people here will give you good advise. I'm pretty glad I found this forum, many nice people on here to help you and support you also.

ebeneezer_2

I couldn't agree more with all the advice above. I was very fortunate to have an amazingly supportive group of colleagues and friends (2 of whom I would never have met if I hadn't taken the role which was later made redundant). I now consider myself to have met two people who I simply wouldn't be without and that makes every day that I spent with the company worthwhile.
When I was told my position was at risk I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My anger at (IMO) the stupidity of the decision (supported by my incredulous colleagues) along with my ability to keep a sense of humour helped me through. I made a mental switch that I had to see the experience in a positive light if I were to be successful in finding a new job.
The comment from MargieL regarding perspective was very true in my case - I knew that I was in a better situation than many -and some of the postings here really emphasised that point. So, I really felt that I was not in any position to complain (although whenever I said that at work my colleagues all said I was - bless 'em!).
I did find that I got teary whenever people showed sympathy, and simply requested that they not to be too nice as I'd blub and look like a boiled frog!
I wish you all the very best for your future. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the spring flowers are coming out and it's a fantastic time for you to start a new phase in your life and take the opportunity to do something that makes you happy.

hamsterholly

Can really feel for you regarding the emotional side of redundancy. I am not being made redundant ( I am a sahm ) but my husband found out the beginning of January he was. For about the first 3 weeks I would cry at the drop of the hat and then would feel really guilty for not pulling myself together for my husband. Things are more clearer now and I am definately less emotional now but he is not going till the end of Oct when I fear the floodgates will open the closer we get to the actual date !!

As soon as we found out I have been saving as much money as possible. We do live within our means but have still managed to cut the weekly shopping from £50 to around £25 - £35 by shopping later at night when the bargains are around.

I wish you lots of luck and there is so much good advice on this thread.