Sick of shared house living

top_drawer_2

hello,

I moved house a few months ago after having a really traumatic time in a shared house, I was bullied horrendously by one of the other tenants and co. It nearly killed me at the time and I simply couldnt do it again.

I moved into my current house and up until recently everything has been great as I havent had any other housemates . However, I now do have Hm's and its becoming a problem. The landlord wasnt ovely fussy about who moved in, she left it until Febuary to start advertising as she claimed she was going to get certain jobs done .... she has supposable been doing these since October and they are still waiting now ....

She near enough chose the two individuals who replied to the ad and handed over the money first ... one moved here from 150 miles away and just rang up saying could he move in.... he had the money so she said yes. When I asked any questions about what he was like/jokingly said well I hope he's not a axe murderer she laughed and said he had assured her he hadnt committed any crimes recently.......

However, I am finding him hard work, he never spends any time with any of us (me or the other housemate) making it difficult to "mention" issues to him - the issues for me are that he has had a gf stopping this past two weeks (from home) and hasn't seen fit to introduce her, during the day she stays in his room and he brings her food home at mid-day and then they go out at night (for a takeaway etc) as he doesnt cook. He has his music on often (during the day) so loud I can hear it downstairs - bump bump bump bump constant .... at the moment they (him and who ever else he has upstairs) seem to be jumping around the room. I'm finding it very intrusive and disruptive sitting here watching telly. I just want to come home on a afternoon and be at peace .... not listen to someone elses music bang bang bang-ing away. Am I unreasonable?

The landlord has mentioned that she is unsure whether this individual is ok for the house which on the surface could be a good outcome .... However, the other housemate has mentioned (to me) that one of her friends (a fairly close friend too) might be interested ... For me this is another No-No as I have had this situation before and found it extremely uncomfortable. I understand that they may not be b!tchy but in the end for me it will always make for a bad atmosphere as theyre always going to have more in common, have similar opinions, share friends etc and if there's an arguement chances are they are going to side together (as I found out to my cost) regardless of who is actually in the wrong, in fact their relationship (as friends) can stand that whereas mine with either or them will be less likely too.

This past few months I have made this house home and that is all I want .... I just seem to be stuck in a caatch-22 as I can't afford to live alone, I don't know of anyone looking for someone to share with or who has a spare room (and is willing to let me make it home as opposed to their house where I have a room IYSWIM).

Can any of you see a way through this? I have suffered with severe depression in the past and thought I was finally coming through it but recently (this past two weeks or so especially) I have felt throughly down in the dumps and I'm not sure how long I can do it.

Thanks for any advice,

TD

shell_girl

Shared houses can be a nightmare, and I'm sorry you had a bad experience in your last place. My OH and I have moved in to a 'flat' in a shared house for part of the week as we work so far from home. We probably annoy our housemates as much as they annoy us- it's just not an ideal situation to live with people that you don't know, and perhaps under any other circumstances wouldn't want to know.

Being completely honest here, as a couple we're probably more like the chap and his gf that you mention. We're polite to other hms when we bump into them, but have made zero effort to cultivate friendships. The reason? We have eachother, our own sitting room and bathroom, and already have friends. We've seen several people come and go since we've been here, some on good terms with the rest of the house, and some not. We just find it easier not to get involved to be honest.

I know on tv it all looks like great fun- This Life, Men behaving badly, Friends etc, but the reality is shared living isn't like that. The most unlikely things in the world will really pee people off about eachother! Case in point- it drives me nuts when other housemates leave their washing in the machine for a while after it's finished it's cycle. I'm completely unreasonable about it- I get twitchy after 10 minutes! But I make sure I say NOTHING about it to anyone, except poor OH because he chooses to live with me and my foibles- the other hms haven't chosen me so I try not to inflict myself on them too much.

When you say you've made the house 'home', do you mean your room or the rest of the house?

clairehi

I have been in a couple of horrid house shares and know that it can be really hard.
I think the only solution to gain more control, if you cant afford to live alone, would be for you to find somewhere new to rent and sublet a room to a tenant of your choice.
but you would need to save some money upfront to be able to do this.
the other option is to look at changing your lifestyle - move to a cheaper area or find a way of earning more cash to afford your own place.
unfortunately it is so hard if you are single to afford a roof over your head on your own.

jewelly

Sounds like you would be happier living alone. Maybe try the local Housing Department with a letter of support from you GP regarding depression? Just a suggestion. I know it's not easy to get a council flat, but this may give you more points.

top_drawer_2

shell_girl wrote: »

Being completely honest here, as a couple we're probably more like the chap and his gf that you mention. We're polite to other hms when we bump into them, but have made zero effort to cultivate friendships. The reason?

When you say you've made the house 'home', do you mean your room or the rest of the house?

I can kind of understand your situation but we share all the facilities with this person ... I wanted a bath earlier, the second hm has gone out on the town and the first was out so I gave it 10 mins before I got in the bath (like I said I have had a !!!!!! time recently and a bath is my way to properly relax). Literally as soon as I got in the bath .... the 1st hm came up the stairs and tried the bathroom door - I just cant seem to get any peace:mad:

I have been here nearly 6 months so I have bought some things for the lounge to make it a little more homely, I hoped to foster a environment of knowin one another .... I hope that other people will do the same. I am sick of living with magnolia walls, beech laminate, sh!tty furniture and never having anything personal in the shared areas.

[QUOTE=clairehi;30535591I think the only solution to gain more control, if you cant afford to live alone, would be for you to find somewhere new to rent and sublet a room to a tenant of your choice.
[/QUOTE]

I've considered this but am worried about a) managing this tenant - people can seem so nice/reasonable and then something relatively minor occurs and you find out they have multiple personalities (I'm not kidding here either, this is actual experience) and b) how long I could cope without a tenant or what would happen if they move on after awhile.

TD

shell_girl

It is a difficult one. I really do feel for you OP. When you want some peace and quiet, eg the bath, just after you've run it, give other hms a knock and say 'just popping in the bath for half an hour, do you want the loo before I go in?'. Gives you a chance to come across as friendly and considerate, and also lets them know to leave you alone for a bit.

Sorry- ETA just realised they were out when you went for your bath- sorry.

Almo

Can I ask if you work or have any hobbies that get you out of the house? I sympathise with the issues of a shared house but perhaps you are a little too involved in the situation? Whilst I can appreciate it might be a minor annoyance (as in, you should have forgotten about it in a couple of minutes) I don't really see what the issue is with your housemate coming home and trying the bathroom door. It's just an unfortunate coincidence that you were in there and had got in before he arrived home.

Also, you say you want peace and quiet but then you also say you want people to chat to you - of course there is a happy medium but perhaps the times when you are suffering badly with your depression you come across as wanting to be left alone and this might be confusing to your housemates.

I'm so sorry if this comes across as unpleasant - I don't mean it to at all, I just think you might need to step back at look at this from a distance. Maybe you could kill two birds with one stone - get out of the house and do some evening classes or something (might help with the depression) and you might meet some new friends. Further down the line these might turn into people you could live with?

Lotus-eater

This is a difficult one, you seem unsuited to shared living to be frank, nothing you have said, is ususual or bad hm's.
The music? Well he's playing it in the daytime, I like loud music myself, but I don't play it loud in the evening as a courtesy to neighbours, but during the daytime I let rip now and again.
The fact that someone tried the bathroom door half hour after you getting in. Well so what, they probably didn't think you were in there.

You don't want friends to be living there, but you want everyone to come together in the lounge and make it a friends area?

While I sympathise in some ways, but it's obvious you aren't suited to shared living, but that's all you can afford.

I did much the same as you, shared living for many years and it was like Men Behaving Badly, brilliant time, but I did miss my own privacy, eventually I had a massive problem with one HM, which in retrospect, was my fault to start with. But anyway I moved out and got my own house.

Can you get a flat or something? If you really can't afford it, or don't want to risk getting a bad sub tennant, then put up with what you've got. Is it a time limit? Are you at uni or something, so you know it will end?

Pee

I have had great experiences of shared houses, but there are also problems and for it to be successful you either need the right people or a very laid back attitude, and preferably both.

You say that it is impossible for you to afford to live alone. It might be worth looking into this avenue as there might be a very small bedsit available. I had a friend who rented a room in a house shared by a nursery - this was restrictive to her during the day but meant she had no housemates outside of 8 - 6. Have a look around and see what is out there. The other option is to reply to adverts for lodgers until you find someone who shares your values.

belfastgirl23

Being blunt, I think you're the problem here. I don't think you're temperamentally suited to communal living. As Lotus Eater says none of the things you're mentioning are particularly big deals in terms of communal living. I would also say perhaps you need to take some responsiblity here - are you making it a welcoming environment that people want to come down and sit in the living room with you? Or do you have your routines so mapped out that other people have to either fit in or not bother? And why haven't you just introduced yourself to your HM's GF?

I'm saying all this whilst knowing that I'm a lot like you I'm living alone now and it totally suits my temperament - in fact I'm a bit worried about what will happen when DH comes back again because I have got so comfortable with and used to my own routines that I think I will find it really hard to move on from them. So it isn't that I don't understand where you're coming from believe me, a long hot bath is one of my own particular indulgences. But I know if I lived in a shared house I'd have to wait till everyone was out to do it...that's one of the downers of shared living.

if you really have no choice but to remain in shared living then I think you do really need to re-evaluate your own behavior rather than constantly looking to the things others do wrong. And try to cut them a little slack...after all they're paying their rent same as you and it is also their home.

JodyBPM

I'm sorry, but its clear to me that you just aren't suited to shared living. It seems that you have very set ideas about how you want to live and the house to be and feel that everyone has to fit in around that. None of the examples that you gave struck me as bad housemates, stuff like trying to dictate that someone's friend cannot move into as an additional house mate in a spare room is just unreasonable and controlling. And someone daring to try the door handle when they didn't know you were in the bath! How very dare they!
Honestly, taking into account the depression that you already have, I think you are just going to make yourself sick if you keep in a shared house situation. As a pp said, look into bedsits, they are often not much more expensive than rooms in shared houses, and are mainly self contained. Also being a lodger may be an option if you can find someone who you are comfortable living with, at least you would only have one person to fit in with.
Sorry, but I think you need to concentrate on finding accomodation that suits you better rather than trying to dictate who moves in to your landlord's shared house and how they are allowed to live their lives. I don't mean to be harsh, but truely think that there are virtually no adults who are prepared to be controlled in the way you want to control them, and ultimately you are going to end up getting more wound up and make yourself sick. .