A family bust up is brewing

poppyscorner

I wondered if someone could give me some advice on this my gran died a few weeks ago now and we have had her funeral and she wished to be cremated my gran was my mums mum and they were very close my mum seems to0 be dealing with it ok but she comes from a family of 7 3girls and 4 boys she only gets on with 2 of her brothers tomorrow morning we are going to scatter my grans ashes and my mum is a woman on the edge I know she is going to flip tomorrow at her two sisters as she is harbouring loads of anger towards these two because my gran had begged both of these to go and see her in hospital when she was poorly one of them told her to f off and the other also refused they did not show their faces until they knew my gran was dying my gran was a churchgoing lovely woman never hurt a fly so I could never understand their obvious dislike of her however after she died they have both been into her house to get what they wanted out of it clearing out most of her stuff they did tell the family they were going to do some sorting out but they had kicked off the week before when my mum was cleaning the house in preparation for the funeral because they thought she was getting the first pick of the best stuff mum wouldn't touch a thing as she felt like she was going through my grans stuff without her permission.

So anyway tomorrow is just going to be a nightmare as mum is gonna kick off I know that she needs to get it off her chest but at what point do I stop her I dont want to leave it till the fists fly.

I know plenty of other people have these kinds of big disputes in their familys so I suppose thats why I thought I could get some advice from you guys you have not let me down up to now and I have had some really great advice from you all.

Amanda xx

auditbabe

I'm sorry to hear the problems you are experiencing. Just a year ago next week my Mum died and my sister and her husband cleared out the good stuff. They never bought her anything but every thing I brought her dissapeared. Make a big chocolate cake with a chocolate laxative, sit back and watch the results. I wish I had thought of this last year.

My most sincere good wishes to you and your Mum. I have been in those shoes and its not very nice

homersimpson_3

did your grandmother leave a will saying who gets what?

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Let your mum get things off her chest if she wants to. Sounds like she's entitled to and might feel a lot better if she does.

she is harbouring loads of anger towards these two because my gran had begged both of these to go and see her in hospital when she was poorly one of them told her to f off and the other also refused

If she does give them all a good tongue lashing, don't stop her but make sure you stick up for her because she will be sticking up for your gran who it would appear was given little respect when she was alive.

culpepper

Isnt it awful when the vultures return for the leavings!
MIL died years ago and suddenly everyone wanted to clear out her stuff (didnt occur to them that it all now belonged to FIL). We were so embarrassed at the scavenging. Now FIL is gone and the same is happening again. Best bite your tongue and it'll soon be over is what I'd say to your mum.

Threadhead

In my experience, its always the same when someone dies; everyone wants to get their hands on something.

aylesby

Let your mum blow it should come out its a greiving thing.
My dad was born in the 19th centuary and he reckoned that the women were the worst at funerals.
Arrange another day for the pickings over of your mums bits and pieces but ask if there is anything that they want reserving so everyone gets a shot. You need something to remember too.

poppyscorner

there was no will but the most annoying thing was that my gran just did not get round to doing it she was a bit superstitious about it but when she realised she was dying she got my mum and her brother into the hospital and said to my mum write this down this is what I want to happen when I die to everyone but those two she wanted to leave £500 each and to my mum and her brother she wished to leave the house and she wanted them to sell it and split the money now she wasn't a hard woman despite how this sounds but I can remember mothers day and her birthday this year she got cards and gifts from my mum her brother me and my sister and my little boy who is 3 no one else bothered or rang her and I think these things really stuck with her and deeply hurt her in fact when they all started gathering just before her death she said 'you can tell i am dying coz they are all coming out the woodwork' she couldn't talk very well at the end and when you would say that they were comingin she would roll her eyes and pull a face she knew it was superficial.

On the subject of the will no she never got it in writing so it would never stand up and they all get an equal 7th share mum didnt want this she used to say to grandma leave all your money to the church or charity as she knew this would happen.

In regards to the house they have been and took what they wanted out of it without regard for anyone else even down to the bathmat off the bathroom floor toilet rolls out of the bathroom and photo frames (just plain cheap ones that they took her photos out of first)

I don't know how they can live with themselves really I don't how can they have a clear conscience after the way they treat her I can sleep at night knowing that if grandma needed anything she could ask me even down to cleaning her mouth out when it was full of brown gunge because of an infection probably one of the most awful things I have ever done and I work in care and see all sorts of things but I didn't hesitate to help as I loved her and couldnt stand to see her uncomfortable.

Her friends from church did not realise she had seven kids as she only talked about my mum her brother me and my sister and my little boy.

Its just all so bitter and awful these people did not speak to each other at the funeral the hate runs so deep in them and the house clearance seems to be the straw that broke the camels back I am just really worried about my mum and how she is gonna be tomorrow.:mad: :mad: :mad:

whatamess_2

Good luck tomorrow (hug)
Scatter the ashes in dignity then stand back and let the fur fly.
My gran did write a will but because she went in to a care home, my father had just had an anueresym so was in hospital and I lived to far away to get there quickly, my uncle went into her flat and cleared it out.:eek: He didnt give a stuff unless he wanted anything while she was still in full charge of her faculties now she has dementia he has power of attourney and doesnt even take her any money.

Familys :eek:
Messy

Dora_the_Explorer_5

I hope your mum's ok tomorrow. Let her blow her stack if she wants to - she may have held back whilst your gran was alive and now doesn't need to. If she knows beforehand that she has your love and support and you'll go along with how she wants to handle it, she might feel less stressed. And of course there's nothing to stop you telling them what you think of them, it doesn't sound like any of you will be seeing each other again after tomorrow.

flossy_splodge

Hey poppyscorner I feel for you. I can honestly say the best thing is to try to help your Mum get through with dignity. She may feel furious, hurt upset etc but she does not want to be looking back to a memory of having lost it on the day the ashes are scattered. My mum died 5 years ago and her wishes were not followed for all sorts of reasons. I was so angry and hurting for her I drove out of town and into a quiet place and yelled and screamed and cried and hollered until my throat hurt - but- I was composed as her ashes were interned. (She had not wanted to be cremated, hated the idea but father knew better and brothers weren't prepared to cross him.) It is just so horrendous a time you almost need to count your breaths until the day is over. I promise you your mum will want to look back on the day with honour and respect - after all it is the very last thing she will do for her mum. If you talk to her and tell her you understand ity will help. I had no-one to share the pain with - it would have helped just to know someone understood. So give her all your love and particularly understanding PARTICULARLY if she seems to be coping. Hold her and be in physical contact. Love and hugs to you and your mum at this time and remember what goes round comes round - it really does. Sad to say for some people.