Advice wanted about changing contact between daughter and her dad... (long, sorry)

missimaxo

I have been separated from my daughters fathers since she was 1, she is now 7 (8 this year). We have no official agreement drawn up for access/ contact but since the separation my daughter sees her dad every other weekend Friday to Sunday and occaisionally he comes over and sees her for a couple of hours 1 evening every 2 weeks.

We moved further away from her father due to personal reasons 2 years ago and now live approx 1.5 hours drive from his house. I have never disputed his right to see her and try and make things as easy as possible. Since we moved, he has refused to pick her up on a Friday due to the drive in rush hour traffic so I have done every journey on a friday taking her to see him. He brings her back on a sunday.

Her father loves her, supports her financially but to be honest is selfish. Since she started school, he has never booked off time from work to spend time with her during school holidays apart from 2 years ago when he took her on holiday to Spain for 2 weeks. This is the only holiday he has taken her on in 6 years, yet he goes on holiday 2 or 3 times a year (he has just returned from 3 weeks skiing in Canada), hence why he has no leave from work to spend time during schol holidays.

My problem is that my daughter has said she wants to start dancing classes. We tried Ballet before when she was 3 or 4 (and lived only 45 mins from her dad) but she gave up due to her father refusing to bring her to the class on his weekends. She couldn't keep up with the other children only going bi-weekly. The classes she wants to attend are Wed evenings and Saturdays (as her best friend goes already). To attend, we would have to alter the way he sees her and he would have to collect her on a saturday morning, hang around until after her class and then go back to his house. I work Saturdays so couldn't take her to his on a saturday, but my mum could take her on our weekends.

I don't know what to do, if I ask her dad to reconsider the arrangement we have, he will kick up a fuss and probably just refuse (he won't see her for as long), but likewise I don't want to say to my daughter that she cannot do classes because her dad won't let her as this screams of me painting him in a bad light. I can't afford to take her to his house every weekend as it costs a fortune in petrol. Her dad doesn't seem to realise that the arrangement will alter as she gets older and wants to do different things. Can anyone guve me any pearls of wisdom or solutions.

brians_daughter

your daughter must come 1st. Why not speak to father and give it along the lines of 'she wants to go, but you know what it was like last time, she stopped after a while. Its not fair to say she cant attend so why dont we give it a 6 week trial (so only 3 occassions of him 'hanging around') and then re-assess'.

That way you are saying lets give it a go, and you also also empowering your daughter to make decisions regarding her activities.

TBH many many children start things get 2 months in and decide the fun has worn off. At least by giving it a 'trial' your ex knows if things dont go the way daughter planned it they can always go back to normal.

ALTERNATIVELY (not ideal but maybee a compramise) can you not find a class 1/2 way between you so 1 week he drive the 45 to take her, next week you do it? As i say not ideal, but at least theres another possibility for you to explore

He needs to realise that as she grows she will want other interests/hobbies at weekend and he may have to take a back seat - or at least make sacrafices re taking her if he still wants to maintain the level of contact.

missimaxo

brians_daughter wrote: »

your daughter must come 1st. Why not speak to father and give it along the lines of 'she wants to go, but you know what it was like last time, she stopped after a while. Its not fair to say she cant attend so why dont we give it a 6 week trial (so only 3 occassions of him 'hanging around') and then re-assess'.

That way you are saying lets give it a go, and you also also empowering your daughter to make decisions regarding her activities.

TBH many many children start things get 2 months in and decide the fun has worn off. At least by giving it a 'trial' your ex knows if things dont go the way daughter planned it they can always go back to normal.

ALTERNATIVELY (not ideal but maybee a compramise) can you not find a class 1/2 way between you so 1 week he drive the 45 to take her, next week you do it? As i say not ideal, but at least theres another possibility for you to explore

He needs to realise that as she grows she will want other interests/hobbies at weekend and he may have to take a back seat - or at least make sacrafices re taking her if he still wants to maintain the level of contact.

Thank you for your suggestion - I will speak with her tonight and try and gauge how serious she is. If she wants to try I will make the suggestion of a trial and see what he says. The half way would not work as I work Saturdays and my mum would not be able to driver her half way - plus the reason she has picked this class is that her firend goes there.

I just wish he would realise that she is/ will change as she grows up - as it is she has only been able to do 1 activity to now which is tae kwon do and this is because it is run tues/ thursday. Whenever I have mentioned that as she gets older she will prefer her friends, he has always responded that I am talking rubbish, she will always want to visit him! She sometimes already says that she doesn't want to visit but I persuade her into going.

brians_daughter

lol he will have a big shock to come then! My ds is only 11 and his dad only lives 3 miles away but he wont go at weekends now as he wants to be playing out with his mates! We are lucky he can pop over after school etc, goodness knows what we would do with that kind of distance between us that you have to cope with

good luck!

silvercar

Could your mum take her to class every weekend and her Dad collect her from class at the start of his weekends? It does mean he gets her a shorter time but at least she sees her dad and does class.

marshmallows

if he only sees his daughter every other weekend he probably wont like his time being eaten into by dance classes especially as i am sure there are plenty of dance classes that just run during the week rather than at weekends. I am sure he also probably won't care that her friend goes there and thats why she wants to go to that particular dance class.
Try and catch him when he is in a good mood if you can and also suggest the trial period to start with, you never know he may be ok with it.

peachyprice

If she's only just starting out once a week should be enough, she shouldn't need 2 lessons a week unless she has an exam coming up or once she gets to the higher grades.

Could she not just do the Wednesday evening class until she's sure she wants to stick at it. That would give you a very big bargaining tool if she decides she does want to continue as she will have proved her commitment. It just doesn't seem worth rocking the boat right now by insisting on 2 classes a week when she may give it up again.

Also agree with Silvercars suggestion that your mum takes her every week and her dad picks her up on his weekends, at least then he's not hanging around for her while she's in class, he can just make his way straight there.

neneromanova

If I were in that position I would say to the daughter she can do what she wants. It gets her ready for later life being able to decide on her own. Her dad doesn't seem to care by the sounds of it. Not wanting to sit in rush hour to see his daughter is VERY selfish. I would say until he picks her up and drop her off you're not doing it. That way he will pull his head out and realise he daughter comes first.

But that's just me