Men! I want to scream!

pinkfluffythings

Oh sometimes I want to scream and not stop.

debjam

Sorry vicky_p can't really give any suggestions, just didn't want to leave you here all alone. I do know what you mean about wanting to wring his neck cause I could do that with mine at the mo (other reasons though).

My OH has times when he gets down as well (with no apparent reason, we have a home which is ours, we both work, and have enough money to pay the bills, luckier than a lot of people out there) and that pulls me down, I don't have the past problems like you have but do suffer from "down times" occassionally, and when he's down it really gets to me cause nothing you say has any effect does it they just carry on moping, face like misery and shoulders on the floor. I feel like grabbing him and shaking him but know it won't do any good.

I now leave mine to get on with it and try to ignore him, he soon gets fed up with that (doesn't like being ignored) and starts to resurface but I never find out why he was down in the first place.

Good luck and hope your Fybro gets easier.

aliasojo

Only thing you can do is detatch yourself. As soon as he starts his negativity, tune out much in the same way a parent develops the skill of not hearing a moany child.

You've tried talking to him, it hasn't helped. He's either unable to, or simply isn't going to try, to become more positive so you either leave (which I'm assuming isn't an option) or you find ways of dealing with it.

For what it's worth, my OH could give Victor Meldrew a run for his money, his negativity is like a cancer which has eaten away at our relationship and our family over the years. I had to find a way to try to stop it affecting me. I've perfected the 'you think I'm listening but in actual fact I tuned out ages ago' look. I suggest you try the same.

Lotus-eater

I'm always negative and my OH is always positive, I look upon it, as us making a decent team together.
She tends to ignore me when I go into a moan and I do the same when she's saying how great everything is.

Yet again this comes up "He is in a far better financial position than me basically." You live together, share a life, yet it's him and you when it comes to money?
Whatever happened to sharing?

princeofpounds

Frankly I think there is probably some justification to these complaints, and probably some unfairness.

Comparing your problems to his is not going to help at all. It sounds like you are playing the victim and minimising his problems all at the same time, which is a poisonous mixture. Of course grief is more terrible than unemployment, but that doesn't mean anyone has to feel 'well I should be happy because although I've lost my job at least I'm not bereaved'.

Added to that, he probably feels a lot of responsibility given he has an invalid partner and perhaps feels he is letting you down as well as himself. His comment about not meeting you sounds like a resentment of that responsibility, and yes, it's a low blow coming from him.

You are also likely being a bit hypocritical with your 'can't take his woe-is-me' stance, given that as someone who 'suffers a wee touch of depression' I suspect you are just as bad at times. That's not to say it's unjustified, but don't hold him to a different standard to yourself.

Suggestions? If you want to talk about it, try to make it a constructive discussion. Get him out of the house doing something, even if it is not work, as this will alleviate his rut mentality, and try to help him find a job.

Primrose

Learn a nice poem and every time he starts his "woe is me" complaining, look at him and start reciting the poem to yourself.
Keep looking at him in a concentrated way as if you're "listening" until his rant is over.
There will probably be times when neither of you seems very appealing to the other in your respective negative or depressed moods. Just try to ignore it and get on with finding ways to keep yourself busily and productively fulfilled.

RadoJo

Is it possible that he is also suffering from depression?

Jo_R_2

I think I can see where you are coming from. I have that thought process of almost pretending that everything is great - it's my way of not allowing myself to sink into self-pity when things have been awful.

Thus when OH has his 'moments', I hate it because at those times he seems oblivious to what we have, rather than DON'T have, and he does seem unappreciative. It's difficult though - I understand what he is saying and as someone who has suffered with depression, I am remarkably "woah I don't know how to handle this" when he is feeling down.

I also relate to the "if I'd never met you" line because I have had that. He was told very frankly that he knew where the door was and was more than free to walk out if he felt we were holding him back.

I don't know if this will help but when we're having problems I explain we're not in this against each other but together, we need to move together forward and work it out together. It does help to simmer down the anger or resentment and remember why you two are there together in the first place. Listen to each other, and understand - you don't have to agree but see why he is motivated to say what he says.

IMO it sounds like he's having a bit of a life crisis and wishes he's achieved more maybe?

lostinrates

Regarding ''try being me'' and listing your sadnesses, I do understand...but try being him, seeing the woman you love so much suffer so much and being redundant, unable to take away her grief, cure her pain or depression.

Everyday can't be happy as you want, but you are right, its not healthy to make it full of doom either.
For suggestions? I'd go back to bed with him and make it a day of love instead of doom. Its a plaster. not a cure, but sometimes that's all you need.

jewelly

RadoJo wrote: »

Is it possible that he is also suffering from depression?

That was my first thought.