Non resident mother, please try not to judge me

Panda1969

This is a long story - I will try to keep the post brief but would be very grateful for any comments:

- My ex and I split 5 years ago after 11 years of marriage. We have two daughters, now 13 and 10.
- The breakdown of our marriage happened for many reasons, some of them my fault, some of them his, but I can categorically state that his actions ruined us financially (no need to go into detail) and we came out of the marriage in debt to the tune of £72,000, due to the marital home being repossessed. I am planning to file for bankruptcy but do not have the court fee at the moment. He is, I believe making some kind of voluntary payment towards this debt but I am not sure how much for. They have agreed to take £1 a month from me in recognition of my financial circumstances.
- After the marriage ended the children stayed with me, he moved to his mothers and I worked part time and looked after the children part time...whilst he worked from home. He had the girls a lot at his mothers while I worked and also paid maintenence so that I could maintain a roof over my head. I could barely make ends meet.
- I moved out of the marital home when the bank repossessed it almost 3 years ago and got a rented property for me and the girls. Almost overnight in Novemember 2007 I was made redundant from my part-time job with one months salary as redundancy payment and found myself unable to keep a roof over my head - even with benefits etc I could not cover the rent and the bills, and by this time my mental health was suffering.
- I have no close family at all, and so the only option I had was to take a friends property for free whilst I got myself back on my feet, but this was in a town 30 miles away. By this time my ex had got himself a rented cottage was working from home and he reluctantly agreed to let the girls live with him whilst I sorted myself out. This decision almost broke my heart but I felt that I was doing the right thing for the girls.
- I did so, got a full-time job back in our home town and was back within 9 months. The only way I could get back there was to rent a flat with a friend, so the girls slept on a blow up bed, but it was a start. Eventually my flat mate left, and unable to find someone suitable to take her place, the girls have been coming to me and having their own room now for around 9 months, which they share but at least they are not sleeping in a blow up bed or them in my bed and me on the sofa.
- Not sharing the rent, I am paying all of it on my own and at first my ex-agreed that he would take no maintenence from me on the understanding the if things improve I will start to do so again. I have the girls every other weekend and at least one night in the week.
- My figures are as follows per month:
Income - £1260
Rent - £525
Bills - £400
Petrol £125

This leaves £210 a month for food and toiletries, which in a 5 week month is around £42 a week...not enough for me and the girls when they come to stay and does not allow for ANYTHING extra like car maintenence MOT etc..

Just lately he has been threatening the CSA who would immediately take out approximately £240 a month I think from my salary. Its a no brainer and once again I will be homeless. Take a part-time job on top of my full time one? I tried - I can commit to one or two evenings a week at the most, and all that does is put my earnings up and either maintenence or the debt swallows the majority of it. Take another tenant to share the flat - the girls lose their room when they are with me, and finding someone who doesnt mind and or/will respect their privacy isnt easy...finding someone IN time will be impossible anyway...

My rent is not excessively high for two bedroomed place and my bills are about right.

I dont know what to do. I cannot stay here if he goes to the CSA, I will be left with £95 a month to get petrol food and toiletries. Yet again I will be homeless and looking for someone willing to put me up. I understand its a legal obligation - what do I do though?

speedster

welcome to the world of being an NRP.

the csa care not if you end up destitute, unemployed and homeless.

has your ex set the csa on you? is a private agreement for a lesser amount out of the question until things get easier??

don't worry about being judged harshly on here. the "wimmin" only slate male nrp's, so you'll be fine!

Thriftkitten

Hi and welcome, you have been through a lot and I'm sure a friendly shoulder will help greatly, I have quickly scoured over your post, will read again in a mo, would you not be able to apply for a council or housing association property which would have lower rental fees?
Would your ex be opposed to allowing you to have the children back for the majority of the time and with him only at weekends and one night a week,If you could be adequately housed by a local council? then maybe you could try and work a job around their school times(which I know is hard as Im a single parent of 3).
I also think maybe making an appointment at the citizens advice would help, they would be able to let you know of any avenues available to you as a parent with shared care.
Hope this helps xx

Panda1969 wrote: »

This is a long story - I will try to keep the post brief but would be very grateful for any comments:

- My ex and I split 5 years ago after 11 years of marriage. We have two daughters, now 13 and 10.
- The breakdown of our marriage happened for many reasons, some of them my fault, some of them his, but I can categorically state that his actions ruined us financially (no need to go into detail) and we came out of the marriage in debt to the tune of £72,000, due to the marital home being repossessed. I am planning to file for bankruptcy but do not have the court fee at the moment. He is, I believe making some kind of voluntary payment towards this debt but I am not sure how much for. They have agreed to take £1 a month from me in recognition of my financial circumstances.
- After the marriage ended the children stayed with me, he moved to his mothers and I worked part time and looked after the children part time...whilst he worked from home. He had the girls a lot at his mothers while I worked and also paid maintenence so that I could maintain a roof over my head. I could barely make ends meet.
- I moved out of the marital home when the bank repossessed it almost 3 years ago and got a rented property for me and the girls. Almost overnight in Novemember 2007 I was made redundant from my part-time job with one months salary as redundancy payment and found myself unable to keep a roof over my head - even with benefits etc I could not cover the rent and the bills, and by this time my mental health was suffering.
- I have no close family at all, and so the only option I had was to take a friends property for free whilst I got myself back on my feet, but this was in a town 30 miles away. By this time my ex had got himself a rented cottage was working from home and he reluctantly agreed to let the girls live with him whilst I sorted myself out. This decision almost broke my heart but I felt that I was doing the right thing for the girls.
- I did so, got a full-time job back in our home town and was back within 9 months. The only way I could get back there was to rent a flat with a friend, so the girls slept on a blow up bed, but it was a start. Eventually my flat mate left, and unable to find someone suitable to take her place, the girls have been coming to me and having their own room now for around 9 months, which they share but at least they are not sleeping in a blow up bed or them in my bed and me on the sofa.
- Not sharing the rent, I am paying all of it on my own and at first my ex-agreed that he would take no maintenence from me on the understanding the if things improve I will start to do so again. I have the girls every other weekend and at least one night in the week.
- My figures are as follows per month:
Income - £1260
Rent - £525
Bills - £400
Petrol £125

This leaves £210 a month for food and toiletries, which in a 5 week month is around £42 a week...not enough for me and the girls when they come to stay and does not allow for ANYTHING extra like car maintenence MOT etc..

Just lately he has been threatening the CSA who would immediately take out approximately £240 a month I think from my salary. Its a no brainer and once again I will be homeless. Take a part-time job on top of my full time one? I tried - I can commit to one or two evenings a week at the most, and all that does is put my earnings up and either maintenence or the debt swallows the majority of it. Take another tenant to share the flat - the girls lose their room when they are with me, and finding someone who doesnt mind and or/will respect their privacy isnt easy...finding someone IN time will be impossible anyway...

My rent is not excessively high for two bedroomed place and my bills are about right.

I dont know what to do. I cannot stay here if he goes to the CSA, I will be left with £95 a month to get petrol food and toiletries. Yet again I will be homeless and looking for someone willing to put me up. I understand its a legal obligation - what do I do though?

kingfisherblue

CM would be 20% of your take home pay, which is £252, so slightly more than your ex thought (sorry, I was hoping that he was wrong!)

Are you entitled to claim WTC? I'm afraid I don't know income limits or any other criteria, but it might be worth looking into. Also council tax benefit - you should get 25% discount as the only adult in the household, but you might also get some benefit, which means you pay a lower amount.

Do you live in a high priced area of the country? I live in the North West and you could get a three bedroomed semi for what you are paying in rent. I don't know if you could claim HB or LHA, but it's worth enquiring.

Good luck x

missmontana

Eek, I really feel for you, as Kitten said, make an appointment with the CAB, also try Housing Options at the local council offices, they should all be able to give you some advice.
If you could have the girls more of the time it would reduce maintenance payments.
Check out the entitledto.co.uk site, that can work out some figures for you.
Is there any way possible you could reduce your bills? (you don't say what this includes) Its always worth ringing up the companies, trying to lower monthly payments, or spread the costs...

Good Luck!

Panda1969

Thank you for your support:

- I am definitely not entitled to any benefits – my salary is "too high". I already get the 25% discount on my council tax. I am also not entitled to a council or housing assoc place on my own - already looked into it.
- The breakdown of my bills includes EVERYTHING – car insurance etc (although it does not include car TAX and MOT etc or maintenance).
- I have thought about asking my ex if he would allow the girls to come and live back with me, but the answer would be no. He constantly uses my previous instability (the period of time after I was made redundant) to beat me over the head. On top of this, he has recently announced that he plans to co-habit with his girlfriend of 3 months very soon....and has hinted that he may even move some distance away. As this is not a forum about hypocrisy I will say no more :-P.
- The rent I pay is about average for a 2 bedroomed place around here, and of course its better for a 13 and 10 year old to at least have a room to sleep in when they come...but even if I did look for a place to stay that was cheaper, I could now not raise the months rent up front nor would I pass the credit checks that most agencies run.
- He hasn’t told me yet that he HAS been to the CSA, but I am expecting he will.

missmontana

Panda1969 wrote: »

Thank you for your support:

- I am definitely not entitled to any benefits – my salary is "too high". I already get the 25% discount on my council tax. I am also not entitled to a council or housing assoc place on my own - already looked into it.
- The breakdown of my bills includes EVERYTHING – car insurance etc (although it does not include car TAX and MOT etc or maintenance).
- I have thought about asking my ex if he would allow the girls to come and live back with me, but the answer would be no. He constantly uses my previous instability (the period of time after I was made redundant) to beat me over the head. On top of this, he has recently announced that he plans to co-habit with his girlfriend of 3 months very soon....and has hinted that he may even move some distance away. As this is not a forum about hypocrisy I will say no more :-P.
- The rent I pay is about average for a 2 bedroomed place around here, and of course its better for a 13 and 10 year old to at least have a room to sleep in when they come...but even if I did look for a place to stay that was cheaper, I could now not raise the months rent up front nor would I pass the credit checks that most agencies run.
- He hasn’t told me yet that he HAS been to the CSA, but I am expecting he will.

Don't you just love it when they keep bringing things up from the past... really helpful!
And as for moving away to live with his girlfriend, well that's just spiteful, how do the girls feel about this? Would they have any say in who they lived with? Does he have a residency order or was it just a mutual agreement that you came to?
Do you get on with his mother? (sorry for all the questions!!)

maggied_2

Panda

I've put your figures into the csa calculator and the sum (if you say your daughters are with you approx 4 nights a fortnight) then the sum is £182 per month.

I really feel for you - this is the unfortunate lot of the NRP.

How well do you get on with him and how well is he paid (ie is it more than you?). Could you come to an arrangement where you claim the WTC and CTC if you would get more than he would (someone please tell me if you can only do this if you are PWC) - don't want to be suggesting anything illegal).

Immediate thoughts:

1. You need to make some money in the short term in order to go bankrupt - can you sell anything on Ebay / car share / take on some cleaning?

2. If your X moves your daughters away would this not be very disruptive to their schooling? How do they feel about this?

3. Have they said where they would rather live?

4. You are spending quite a lot of money on petrol - is a car absoutely necessary? Could you move closer to work?

This post so depressingly points out how difficult it can be being an NRP with no support. I'll have a bit more of a think for you.

Panda1969

Please don't apologise for asking questions missmontana, it's really helpful to just discuss this!!

The reason they live with him is because in November 07 I was made redundant and effectively homeless at the same time (had not held the job long enough to receive any redundancy pay). We agreed that the girls would live with him, it was a very stressful time, there is no doubt my situation caused the girls a great deal of heartache and me too...but it was circumstance not choice and Im actually really proud of how quickly I managed to get myself another job and start to stabilise my position again. I did what I did (allowed the girls to live with him) because I felt it was best FOR them, and he has been a good dad, and in that time they have settled and are now happy girls - they love their time with me and vise versa and we the situation has been as good as it could be, until very recently, when he met this woman and started to talk about the CSA

I dont necessarily think that having the girls live with me would be the best for them, and that's all I want - the best FOR THEM. It might solve my financial situation, and free him up to live where he wants, but for the youngest particularly, she is happy where she is. This is why I also think he shouldnt move. I also think he would not just hand over residence in an instant. He works from home, has massive amounts of flexibility, has his mother on hand..whereas I now have a demanding full-time job, have to travel to get there and do not have flexibility or any helpful family on hand.

For the moment, Im stuck.

Panda1969

Thanks Maggie, I've responded to each point....

maggied wrote: »

Panda

I've put your figures into the csa calculator and the sum (if you say your daughters are with you approx 4 nights a fortnight) then the sum is £182 per month. Well that's a bit better that I thought, but still unaffordable.

I really feel for you - this is the unfortunate lot of the NRP.

How well do you get on with him and how well is he paid (ie is it more than you?). yes he gets paid more than me, although Im not sure by how much - he has, and the girls have a LOT of expensive stuff - and he has a mother that is wealthy that helps him and feed the girls every weeknight. He works from home, and although this must put his electricity bill up he certainly has no petrol expenses. We got on well recently (although it had been horrendous after the girls went to live with him, but has again it has broken down over the last few weeks - he has this new girlfriend, and he neglected to take my daughter to the doctors for a week with raging tonsilitis despite my request that he let me know and I will leave work to take her - I dared to question him you see) Could you come to an arrangement where you claim the WTC and CTC if you would get more than he would (someone please tell me if you can only do this if you are PWC) - don't want to be suggesting anything illegal). My instinct tells me he would definitely NOT agree to this although on my income I would be entitled to neither anyway.

Immediate thoughts:

1. You need to make some money in the short term in order to go bankrupt - can you sell anything on Ebay / car share / take on some cleaning? - yes, I am thinking of ways to get this money together.

2. If your X moves your daughters away would this not be very disruptive to their schooling? How do they feel about this? - yes it would be disruptive, I have written to him to tell him I think so, my eldest is not keen on the new lady, and has already said that she would come and stay with me if they move in together. The youngest has a different attitude.

3. Have they said where they would rather live? see above

4. You are spending quite a lot of money on petrol - is a car absoutely necessary? Could you move closer to work? Car totally necessary to get to work unfortunately and far cheaper than public transport. Moving closer to work means moving further from the girls, (it's 15 miles away) and petrol costs the other way around. Also, I have the problems outlined in another post - I cannot afford to move - to find the deposit and months rent in advance would be impossible right now...

This post so depressingly points out how difficult it can be being an NRP with no support. I'll have a bit more of a think for you.

Thank you so much for your response so far....

daska

At 13, most children are considered mature enough to have their wishes taken into account when residence applications are made. If you're stable now and the 'instability' you refer to was a temporary blip as a result of external forces (i.e. redundancy as opposed to substance misuse) then that shouldn't be used against you.

If your ex moves away and your eldest child packed her bags, moves in with you and refuses to go back then, unless he has a residence order (which you haven't mentioned) he would struggle to regain residency because staying with you would give her the stability of staying at the same school and in the same circle of friends.

(DS1 has just moved to live with his dad 200 miles away but because it's his choice and he's 13 I have to lump it - holidays are more fun though LOL ;D)