Feeling guilty and sad - can anyone reassure me?

irishmist_2

Hi there,
As some of you know my DH and I are working hard to pay back debts - debts came from a mixture of overspending and not having anything saved for emergencies (then being hit with rewiring our house, replacing boiler, major car repairs etc etc) and generally being unorganised with money and getting muddled with different cards and accounts. DH in the services and our families live hundreds of miles away and both fathers ill and not very able to travel, so lots of expense in often travelling to see them (that we absolutely accept and are delighted to do as their children).
We are so lucky in having a beautiful baby boy who is 7 months, who we adore.
I need to go back to work 3 days a week as a community nurse (a job I used to love) in a few weeks time and LO is going to nursery those days. I feel gutted about this and so guilty and upset - if we had been financially more savvy we could easily have afforded me to take the year off on maternity leave, and instead I am sending my baby to nursery, which right now feels awful. Am introducing a bottle to LO, who has been breastfed untill now, and just feel that our debts are dictating the pace at which LO has to manage this change. Know i am feeling fragile and I actually like the nursery and staff there a lot, but just feel so bad that our tiny baby is going to be away from me. Probably feels worse today as LO is ill, and just wanting lots of cuddles.
Thank you for reading

Triangle

Oh Irishmist

No wise words from me I'm afraid - just a massive :grouphug:
Do you have any friends nearby with little 'uns that you could go round and have a cuppa with and chat it over? Might be people in the same boat?

Sending lots of love
T
x

pepe2008

Not being able to afford a take-away and dropping to 'value' brands is one thing, but this situation is typical of the hidden effects of debt.
My daughter wrks at a Nursery looking after the small babies and is 6 1/2 months pregnant herself........it drives her nuts that 'career type' women are putting small babies in the Nursery all day BY CHOICE...why?
All she wants is to have the baby and be able to spend time with (him?)...but she will have to return to work asap, without choice because of her own debt! So she'll struggle on minimum wage and not see her son much....while others dump their kids on her whilst they carry on with their oh -so-important- career ( or shopping and the gym!)!
Sorry, bit of a rant! All I can say is, I hope things get better...and enjoy the time you do have together.

Willow_K

I went back to work when my DD was seven months old too and she was in nursery three days and at MIL's for a day as well - while it is heart wrenching the first day you leave them there, it gets better.

The best thing about it was the leaps in development she took from being around the other children and her confidence increased massively - and she absolutely loved it - still does.

It will also do you good to be 'Irishmist' for a few hours a day rather than 'mommy' - especially if you love your job.

Not only do you get to be really excited about seeing your little one at the end of the day (and seeing their face light up when you walk in to pick them up) but it makes you appreciate the time you do have with them even more which in turn means that time becomes better quality.

There is certainly no need to feel guilty - just think about the benefits it brings rather than the negatives.

Good luck x

irishmist_2

Thank you all so much for replying so quickly - it helps a lot.
Pepe - your point about the hidden effects of debt - i think that's what hurts so much - that I could be hurting our baby because of our own actions - he didn't build up the debt that needs to be paid back, but his life is different because of it.
Willow-thank you so much for telling your experience, and reminding me of the positive side of nursery - i really appreciate you taking the time to do that
Triangle - the hug is needed and appreciated, and you are right - will call my friend and see if she and her LO are up for a cuppa and a blether

Thank you all

true27

Completely agree with Willow, I had to go back to work when DB was only 3 months old because my marriage broke down. My health visitor gave me so much earache about working full time I actually stopped taking DB to her.

Its all well and good being a stay at home mum (which I am now, now that DB is 9 and I love it) but sometimes its just not realistic, financially and emotionally for Mum!

I bet your LO will love it at the nursery and he will develop social skills far earlier and, seeing as you have 2 days a week with him, it's going to make that time so much more valuable

pepe2008

irishmist wrote: »

Thank you all so much for replying so quickly - it helps a lot.
Pepe - your point about the hidden effects of debt - i think that's what hurts so much - that I could be hurting our baby because of our own actions - he didn't build up the debt that needs to be paid back, but his life is different because of it.
Willow-thank you so much for telling your experience, and reminding me of the positive side of nursery - i really appreciate you taking the time to do that
Triangle - the hug is needed and appreciated, and you are right - will call my friend and see if she and her LO are up for a cuppa and a blether

Thank you all

Thanks Irishmist, Willows point about the Nursery experience being positive is very relevant.
As an aside, my Daughter used to work at a Nursery attached to a major Hospital......many lady Doctors, Surgeons etc putting small babies in. Some were so wrapped up in their Jobs the kids didn't seem to matter....but being left from 0730 'til 6pm is no good for any child...especially when they are apparently superfluous to the rest of the Parents life and knew it because they didn't want to go home. With other Parents who really cared about their kids, the joy on both of their faces when they met at the end of the day was brilliant.
You obviously care so much for your child I'm sure it will be a positive experience for both of you.

McKneff

Stop beating yourself up about it. Youre not hurting your baby by putting him in a nursery. Its good for him to be around other people, he will learn from it and this will be good for you. Dont feel guilty about whats passed, be positive and look to the future. Your baby will grow up to be a well adjusted little person who by the time he get to school age will have learned a lot of social skillss, will be articulate and have learned to share. Be proud of yourself that you are doing this. He will benefit in the long run.

Willow_K

Just wanted to add as well - it sounds from your first post that you would have had to / wanted to go back to work after 12 months anyway - imho it is much better for little one to go into nursery at 6 or 7 months when they are less aware than at 12 months when their awarness has increased massively and they will be much more concious of the fact that mom has left them.

I found with my little girl that at 7 months she was aware that I wasn't there but not that I'd deliberately left her - also, as she had a much shorter attention span it was easier for the nursery staff to distract her. By the time her awareness had increased, nursery was a part of her routine so it didn't bother her.

The difference in the way kids react at nursery between the ones who have been going since they were very young to those who only started at 12 months is amazing - they are a lot less clingy and upset when getting dropped off.

Willow_K

Sorry - one more thing to add which you may find relevant (or not) is that I went back to work when I did less for financial reasons (although that was part of it) and more because I was going stir crazy for adult, non-baby related company.

While I loved and adored my little one, I hated being at home all day and it was affecting my relationship with her.

When I went back to work, I became a better mom because of what I said above about appreciating the time I did have with her. When we are together now, she is the centre of attention much of the time and we spend so much time playing not a lot else gets done (the state of my house is testatment to that!)

pepe2008

Willow_K wrote: »

Sorry - one more thing to add which you may find relevant (or not) is that I went back to work when I did less for financial reasons (although that was part of it) and more because I was going stir crazy for adult, non-baby related company.

While I loved and adored my little one, I hated being at home all day and it was affecting my relationship with her.

When I went back to work, I became a better mom because of what I said above about appreciating the time I did have with her. When we are together now, she is the centre of attention much of the time and we spend so much time playing not a lot else gets done (the state of my house is testatment to that!)

Give me an untidy house and a happy child any day!