Ex wants to reduce access with Kids

headoutthesand

Afternoon campers

Need to rant for a bit but also ask for advice....

Background of the situation is this, ex got caught with his pants down almost 2 years ago, I left with kids, she moved in. We were both happy with agreement that he keeps kids 2 nights a week (one being every 2nd saturday). He has now told me that him and her have split up, 2 nights doesn't suit him (he works constant night shift) and he wasnt to reduce it to 1 so can get his life back and start going out.

He started off saying he needs to work an extra day to get extra money cos the old hag has moved out but ended up saying that he wants to use his extra night to get a social life lined up. He's a big fat liar

I stood up to him and said that whatever is going on in his private life should not affect me whatsoever. He choses to work nightshift because he gets better pay. He also didn't give 2 diddly squats about my circumstances when my and the kids had to share a room with a friend for 18 months while I tried to save for a house deposit and furniture to go in it.

I'm pretty angry cos i've started seeing a really nice guy (1st guy i've gone out with since split) and I don't want to tell him I can only see him 1 night a wee cos the ex is skint.

He's refusing to budge on it at all and I feel so helpless. I thought things were jsut coming together nicely when he goes and does this.

Thanks for listening guys

starbump

I think it's terrible that your ex wants to see his kids less often.

I don't see what this has to do with either of your social lives. Neither of you ceased to be parents when you split up. Tell your ex to hire suitable childcare if he wants to party on one of his regular access days/nights. And if he doesn't, then I guess you'll have to instead.

Sorry if I sound mean. You have my sympathies, truly.

mountainofdebt

I hate to say this but your children could end up thinking that they're a burden if you make too much of an issue out of this.

I don't know how old they are but imagine your dad prefering to go out on the proverbal rather than spend time with you and then your mum arguing with him that he has to have them because she wants a social life as well - however justified it may be.

I don't know how long you've been seeing your guy but I'm sure that he will understand the situation and it may be that you can do things as a group - perhaps he could come over for tea, even if he doesn't spend the night at yours, if that makes sense.

Would add it will be your ex's loss - children have good memories as to who was there for them

Oldernotwiser

Can't your ex have the children in the day as he works nights,or doesn't that fit in with either of your social lives?

bestpud

If your new guy is that good I am sure he will understand that childcare hiccups happen when you are a parent - it's not like you can't see him at all.

Sounds to me like you both need to get your priorities in order.

yoni_one

In effect he is asking you to indefinately babysit them on one of his nights.

I would be inclined to tell him that he is welcome to arrange childcare on his nights in exactly the same way you are when your arrangements take you away from the kids, but that you are not prepared to provide that childcare for him.

Also, if you do end up caring for the children for longer than initially agreed then typically maintenance should reflect that. When he has them it costs him more so he should pay less to you, equally when you have them more then your costs increase and this should be shared by him.

DaisyFlower

If he is actually working an extra night, then finding childcare for nights will be almost impossible. Therefore it does make sense that the children stay home with you when he has to work at night. Presumably, its far better he is working and contributing to his children. Could he not have them for tea before he starts work?

If he wants to drop a night purely to socialise then thats sad for the children but then your reason for not changing access is so that you can socialise too which seems a little unfair given you are slating him for that but intend to do the same. Your children may pick up on the fact that both parents would prefer to go out than stay with them.

If your new gentleman is serious about you surely he will know you come as a package and that you may not always be able to go out alone.

feelinggood_2

One child free (without babysitting costs) night a week seems to be quite fair, is two really necessary?

lilmisschick

feelinggood wrote: »

One child free (without babysitting costs) night a week seems to be quite fair, is two really necessary?

But he is the parent too?!

I feel for you, like you say, he cheated on you, moved her in and you and the children slept in a room together for 18 months.... you have moved on, got a place, met someone eventually and his life has fallen apart and he now wants more free time again to go out and meet someone else?! :eek: And it seems a few people's replies are insinuating you aren't putting your children first?!!!!

Good on you, you have been the one to care for them and save to get another home for your children, I hope you will be happier with your new partner!

xx

liney

So he works for 5 nights a week and the only two that he has off he is at home with the children. I can see his point to be honest; everyone has to have some leisure time, regardless of what went on between you two in the past.

I assume he works from Sunday to Thursday night or similar. Perhaps him taking the children as normal and bringing them home early evening, say 7pm will allow you to have an early tea out if you wish, and him to go out after he's dropped them off.

Whilst i can see that you like having your two child free nights, he currently has no free time at all in the evenings.

eklynne

Is there perhaps a chance that he knows you've met someone and he's trying to make life difficult for you? This is a guy we're talking about after all......